Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

T,

.... Why? Do you still care?

i'm sad, oh so sad, t. you say it is my depression, but what if it is just me? how can i ever truly believe you?

t, i had another one of my driving-home-from-work realizations today. it came after i realized i'm not completely freaking out about the deal with my son's friend. it's scary for sure, and i'm not interfering any more than to just tell my son i'm here if y'all need me, but i'm handling my own feelings about it. i had to ask for support on here earlier today but i'm feeling ok now. what i realized on the way home is that the reason i'm ok is because i have hope. hope that it's all going to be okay somehow. and further i realized where that hope comes from. and it's good. i'm finding resources inside myself like we talked about not too long ago. resiliancy i'd forgotten was there.

T,
I promise you I am working on all the exercises you gave me about self compassion. I'm trying, I really am. And I know you told me I have to believe it can work in order for it to work. But I really just think I will be this hard on myself forever. I've never known any other way, how can I change to something I've never known.
I'm sorry. I know I'm letting you down.
Annie

Like this?

Hi T,

Did you realize that you defended yourself there too?

You looked so old today

You’re giving up on me aren’t you?

I hope I feel healthier as the day goes on... either way I'm hoping for a good session!

I should not have told you

Annie, sorry if I'm butting in. I found this self help book written by a therapist good for beginning to be self compassionate to myself: "It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion "

https://www.amazon.com/Wasnt-Your-Fa.../dp/1626250995

My T encourages me to be neutral rather than punitive to myself if I cannot / an unwilling to be kind to myself.

I missed you so much yesterday. I’m still feeling pretty awful. Thank you for offering to phone me if I needed you. I so wanted too, but somehow, I just couldn’t bring myself to ask you. Why do I find it so hard to ask for help or support? I just feel that I’m putting people out & they have busy lives.

My thoughts exactly...
Hugs

Hei T,

There's so much I want to say, but really... What's the point.

I'm so tempted to cancel thursday.

Beavers bery odd to see you oit ofcontext today at the Dentists' abode. That other woman had been waiting foir you for thirsty minutes! Lazy *** man. Something about an emergency [atient call. I guess it's nice you're availiuab;e for other people, ha!

I'm sorry fot making that noise at you,I don'ny know what the **** they give mw at that dental hell. Miss Manners would be sorely dissappinted.

Cordially,

Argo

I had a long talk with you in my head on the way home. Did you "hear" any of it, I wonder? Having a version of you in my head is really helpful, you know.

How much do you dislike me? Be honest.

I really don't like you right now. I wish you wouldn't have bothered to call me back this morning. Would maybe make ending therapy with you on Monday a bit easier.

I don't know if you are truly as dense as you act or not. If I thought you intentionally did it - I would be impressed. But I actually think you are just completely clueless when it comes to me - I doubt I have ever met anyone with fewer reading comprehension or listening skills.

T

Must be nice to be able to just **** off for the week when you need to and not have to be the ****ed up client who has the ambivalent attachment.

Really hating you today..

Dear T,

You say you don’t think I’m autistic. Shouldn’t you be doing an assessment if you really feel that way? I’ve had this diagnosis for 18 years and everyone has always agreed so I really don’t think you are right.

-Butterfly

Hi T,

Thanks for the great session today. I'm feeling anxious about this new development though and am looking forward to a reassuring email from you. I hope of all of the times that this is NOT a time where you'll all of a sudden put a boundary around email in place? I doubt you would, but I'm feeling so anxious right now. Why can't I have the self confidence that I need to get through times like this?

Thanks for answering the question about your TG plans. I get so nervous asking questions, but so far you've always answered and you usually give me a couple of full sentences whereas all I got from Blank Slate T was a big smile and, "I'm not going to answer that!" F*** Her!

Dear T,

Thanks for not taking time off for thanksgiving and still meeting this week. I didn’t mention how our session two days earlier this week/ two days later next week does make me a little anxious though. I never realized how much I rely on the consistency and reliability of my Thursday appointments, that no matter how quickly time passes (and it passes oh so quickly!), I have next week. But I’ll survive.

Thanks for not commenting on my tears the few times I briefly choked up tonight. You know what a big deal it is for me to show emotion and how I can’t really cry in front if anyone. It’s the best thing for me, you not commenting on the tears specifically, just the emotions behind them. Maybe one day for real I’ll sob in front of you. I feel like using your tissue box would be a BIG therapy milestone for me. But I also know that crying isn’t the be all and end all, and you know the emotions are there.

The holidays are hard and thanksgiving will be difficult. But it feels good to trust you, to have someone to stand beside me. I talked about tonight the extreme difficulty for me to admit I need people, to seek them for comfort. Maybe one day I’ll tell you how much I need you. But in order to do that I’d have to admit to myself I need people sometimes—and that’s a giant, huge step, one to conquer eventually. Until then, please know I do need you.

Till next Thursday. (9 more days!

Thanks for the suggestion! Always looking for new things to read. I like that think about being neutral, too. I had never thought of that as an option.

You gave my time away again!!!! I clearly asked for a phonr session NOT to cancel. And you gave it away. I'm so upset. Why do you do this. Why do you hate me. The person I pay to talk to me doesn't even want to talk to me

Dear T2,
Sad you had to cancel today, but I completely understand. Hope your back injury isn't serious. And I really appreciate you scheduling me for this Friday, even though that's a day most people take off.* You could have very easily just scheduled me for next week instead. (Though I know you're aware of my sensitivity to last-minute cancellations due to past stuff with MC.) I feel...mostly OK about it though. Disappointed, but OK. Hope it works out to see you Friday (and that you're not all doped up on muscle relaxants or something, though I suppose that could make for an interesting session!)
Take care,
--LT

*In US, day after Thanksgiving.