Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Dear T,

I think these past few months I’ve spent too much real money on virtual video game items. Please don’t be mad. I just don’t have much else that brings me joy in life.

-Butterfly

Dear No. 3,

I was doing better earlier today, but not so much now.

You know, I finally got a good ending with you after months of asking. That was important to me.

I had it for two months. Then in a moment of carelessness you took it away.

I asked for it back. I thought it would take ten minutes for you to write a note and repair the damage.

But you couldn’t do that. So it’s gone. It’s gone for good.

And I needed it.

ATAT

Dear T,
You're amazing. I can't believe I lucked out with you.

T
I would have liked to talk to you today. It was a hard day. But it's okay and I'm okay.
I just wish the children were okay too. One of them told me something today that I wish didn't need to be told. I am a mandatory reporter. I reported.
They are so little.

Dear MC,
If only I hadn't sent that email, everything would be ok right now. I wouldn't be lying here feeling like I was dying. You say you didn't abandon me, so why does it feel like you did? Why is my heart hurting like it is? Do you not realize the power you have to destroy me? Maybe I shouldn't come back. Maybe it's just going to hurt too much...
LT

This has been such a hard week.

I’m already trying to sort my thoughts out to talk with you Wednesday.

I’m numb and don’t really k ow what direction to go

All I know is, “ I don’t belong here.”

Just saying.

My body hurts from feeling it and the pretense of it not being.

What do I do with this?

I want to say more, but what would it matter?

I don’t belong here...............

T,

Thx for putting up with me. Thx for being so consistent and caring, for listening to me. You’re great.

Dear T,
I know I sent you a weird email this time. I feel like you're too real for me to say "I love you". The fantasy is over! Yet you still want to say it to me and NOT just because I pay you. I don't know why you would love me.

During my year long psychotic episode on 2012 I did this. I even didn't pay my rent one month and spent it all on Facebook games. I would stay up all night on that crap. When I think back to it im like... Wow. Wtf.

What game are you playing?

Feeling slightly twitchy now...there's every chance I shouldn't have got so raw and vulnerable with you via email...but I am counting on you to handle it with grace, the way you have everything else so far.

I'm hoping it doesn't get to that point with me. It's a stupid game, its called MaraPets - Free Virtual Pets Site, Games & Dress Up Games.

Thank you for today, my Mister Universe.

I felt like crying today, I'm sure you noticed it. Your voice was so... caring?



I feel like crying right now. I don't hate myself, but I hate my existence. I'm so tired. Very tired.

Thank you.
Love,
A

Eta: I love you sooo much

Dear T,
I know I just texted you 15 minutes ago, but please get back to me soon about an appointment. You said yesterday that you were pretty open this week, so hopefully you might have something today or tomorrow. As expected, I hit a bad patch last night. Right now I feel like I'm mourning a death or something....
LT

ETA: Thanks for getting back to me, both the scheduling and the e-mail (I was going to tell you when you responded about scheduling that we could just discuss e-mail topic tomorrow, but you were too quick for me! Of course we'll still discuss it then). I'm glad you can see me tomorrow. Part of me hoped you had something today, but maybe another day to process first would be better anyway...if I'm feeling less raw, I can probably get more work done...Plus I have lots of actual work to do today, so...

Very anxious about our session. All this stuff coming up for me again. Sigh.

I don't think you are a hugging kind of therapist, but I got the distinct impression yesterday that you had a human-ish urge to hug me. That alone feels like enough right now.

Dear MC,
You know what this feels like? Like I was a kid who was bad, and now "Daddy" is punishing me. And not in the sense of, you're punishing me for my own good. But more that you're exerting your power over me. You KNOW how much power you have over me, so when you actually use it...it hurts that much more.

You could have done this so much differently. First of all, you could have brought it up in session, not on the phone, at the end of a very painful phone call. You could have phrased it as, you haven't had as much time to respond to e-mails lately. And that I seem to get anxious when I don't hear back and will write again. So maybe we could figure out a solution to that together. Or that you're wondering if outside contact is doing me more harm than good--how do I feel about that. You know, a dialogue, rather than a decree from up on high. Because this feels like it's what's best for you, not for me--since you said you were "bothered" by it...like you're just sick of dealing with it. But, oh, you're not taking it away entirely, so you can still think of yourself as the good guy. Yet you won't give me any sort of parameters, so that I'll have to worry all the time--is this too much? Because you won't tell me in advance--not until I've already crossed that line. Just like with ex-T except with her, I had to ask. And I've asked you numerous times, too, checking in, and you always said it was fine. Until it wasn't... And you know that's one of my triggers.

LT

Hey. Help me.

Soooooo impending therapy = high anxiety. I don't want seeing you to equal anxiety. Dammit.

Hi T,

Ok, numbness is gone... Now I'm feeling like the loneliest and most awful person in the world again.

Will this ever stop?

T,

I wish I hadn't broken down and emailed you. I was doing great on my own. I don't want to rely on you or need you. Just know that it was a temporary slip-up. I will NEVER allow myself to depend on you so much that you can hurt me. Yes, I know. You've never hurt me Intentionally. But you've hurt me, nontheless, many times. I've given you every chance I could. I have to look out for myself now.

I appreciate whatever you can give me in terms of knowledge, a listening ear, and/or skills building. But this is a business relationship clear and simple. My therapy hour is for temporary collaboration between two adults to reach an agreed-upon goal. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I need sleep. I hope I sleep tonight. I see u tomorrow I'm looking forward to it. I cleaned my house it was a total mess. So I feel proud of myself for that.

Hope you haven't fallen victim to the lurgy...could do with the safety of session later this week.

I feel too dependent now. I am starting to feel my dependent part more and I don't want to go back to that desperate place. I want to be the strong me who is respectable. I feel like I am being pulled apart inside. I feel like I will never find peace. I feel like I must not be okay being who I am now. I feel like I am of no consequence. I feel like I am not even allowed to have an opinion, but if I do, it is chalked up to me being a negative energy vampire or it is chalked up to the fact that I am neurotic. I wish I could not care about what any other one else's opinions are. I want to just be me. I am desperately trying to be me. I am trying to find my voice but feel like I am meeting resistance everywhere. I wish I was a better patient and didn't complain so much. I know you are trying to help me
.

I don't want to **** up. If I did, please tell me.

Not sure if trigger warning needed... Just in case