Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Dear T (formerly known as T2),
Feeling bad about myself after a bit of an argument with H over finances (stupid credit card bills). And then his offering to leave me alone, then getting mad when I took him up on that offer...
My brain briefly jumped to a bad place, but I know I need to not let other people influence me that much, like you said. Even if it is my husband...and it's not like I was being particularly frivolous with money, I don't think.
So...I wouldn't say I'm exactly "Enjoy"-ing the rest of the holiday weekend (though I was able to sleep in this morning), but I'll get through it...we see MC Monday, so pretty sure I can at least make it till then...and then another 2 days after that till I see you.
--LT
PS--That book you recommended should arrive Monday, too...
PPS--I hate how I'm sitting down here crying, while H is upstairs laughing at some show he's watching on his new Amazon Fire Stick, probably having already forgotten about our argument...
PPPS--And now my mom just called and told me my uncle (by marriage and who has been separated from my aunt for years) who'd had terminal cancer for a long time just passed away. She probably thought my crying was for him...
OK, I'll stop now.

Dear T,
I was just typing a response assuming you wouldn't write back because it was beyond the hour when you said you'd check e-mail/texts...but then you just sent me this really caring response that made me cry more...the whole "I'm sorry for your sadness, LT..." (seriously, why does someone being really nice/caring to me make me cry--I mean, not just tearing up from appreciation, but out and out sobbing--you're not the first to lead to that--like I sobbed when a friend sent me an unexpected birthday gift a couple years ago--we need to talk about that in a future session). Thanks so much for offering something tomorrow. I'll do my best not to need it. Seriously, you're awesome.
--LT

Well M.

Thanksgiving was a total fail.

I don’t want to be a part of these people anymore but I don’t know how to do that.

I don’t want Christmas to be sad but I don’t know how to do that either.

My granddaughter was passed off in a parking lot to the other grandparents today.

It broke my heart.

It shouldn’t be this way.

I don’t belong here.

Just saying.

T,
These month-long waiting periods between sessions are really, really hard, but they are getting easier. That gives me hope for when I won't get to see you (or any therapist) anymore. Maybe I can be okay on my own.
Annie

T, I am so glad you suggested recording the session. You have no idea how much that helped me last week. The session was so awful and broken and I was so dissociative I barely remembered any of it and certainly felt no connection with you. I left rageful at myself, unable to understand how I could return. After listening to the recording I understand so much more about what was gong on, but that's not the part I wanted to tell you.
What I want to say is in the recording I can hear you seeing me, seeing all of the me parts that were there. You saw them and acknowledged them and held the awareness of all of them, for themselves, for eachother, for me. I didn't know that whenever I am busy dissociating away from everything you are staying there doing that.
If I didn't have that recording I doubt I would have wanted to come back. It was all so cut up and broken and unseeable. It was all too shattered. I had so much rage at my brokenness and inability to be coherent to you.
But then there you were, on the recording, holding all of it together, seeing all of it together, accepting all of it together, and knowing understanding accepting that I'm not there yet, that I can't do that yet. But there you are, there you were, doing it for me.
Thank you, T. For the first time I have a feeling like "you got this." Thank you.

I've been in a similar situation - one year of having to wait a month between sessions. It is rough, and hard.

Do you have a transitional object from your T? Would it help? I'd asked for, and received a handwritten note from T. As well as a card with some therapy reminders.

I also audio record sessions and being able to re hear sessions have been helpful. Especially safe space imagery exercises. (she knows about it because I told her eventually. She asked me to stop but said it's up to me so I have chosen to not stop)

Every time I have to leave I touch your shoulder in my head.
I wish I could do it in reality.
Of course I'll never tell you

T,
you often say I have "pros and cons", and I always wonder what exactly do you mean.

But I don't want to hear about my "cons" because it would be another proof that I'm afwul and you hate me.
I don't want to hear about my "pros" either, because I wouldn't believe it.

Hi R,

I'm getting so damn tired of not sleeping through the night. 3:30am is a pisstake. I get to sleep, but only when I've absolutely worn myself out with the ache of it. I even had a 'good' night last night, going to a concert.

Ouch....and soon the festiveness, but if you've worked it out correctly, we will only miss one week. I hope so, but this is an extension of allowing myself to trust you.

Sometimes you say "I guess you're glad to see me" or "I'm glad to see you too" without asking. Lol.
Do I look so obviously happy? Well, it's true
But it's kind of creepy that you can read my mind

=[[[[[[[[[[[[[[

Thinking back to a few months ago and comparing it to now, I really gotta thank you. Ups and downs but I definitely feel stronger right now

I'm gonna love u
Until you hate me
And I'm gonna show u
What's really crazy.

I've been doing pretty well. Not really missing you that much. Just feeling angry and confused about what went on between us.

But then earlier I remembered you saying that you would miss 'working with' me, and I made you say that was the same as just saying you'd miss me, and then I looked at you, crying, and said I'd miss you too.

Ugh.

Whatever.

Oh.......
Thanks

Dear T,
Were you hanging out with MC this weekend or something? What was up with that story about your wife? I thought you were mostly a nondiscloser...but sharing that she has ADHD is a considerable disclosure, I think... Yes, it was all part of a really helpful point you ultimately made, but...please don't turn into MC!
--LT

ok i wuv you again

Hi T,

Thinking of you... I hope you have a great weekend.

Also, could you pleeeeease offer email? No need to respond, you can even read them during session (before you get me of course)...

Dear T,
You're awesome...thank you for today. You really seem to get it, to get me...and that means a lot...
--LT

By this time tomorrow, I may be therapist-less. And it sucks. I can recognize the good support you have given me. I like you...when I'm not hating you after being triggered over the tiniest of things. Funny, I can hate you but I don't hate the therapist that ruined therapy for me forever. Yeah, I know. Here's to hoping you can help me move through this quickly.

I've been feeling needy today, and it is uncomfortable but I am trying to accept how I feel. I think a part of it is that I feel SO overwhelmed at work so much so that it impedes my ability to think which negatively impacts me when trying to go over and over what I will be doing. It is so labor intensive along with having to actually do what I planned to do. However, I don't remember if I did what I needed to do last week in order to be ready tomorrow. I have no memory of if I did what I needed to do or not. It's like last Wednesday was a blur. When I get frustrated, I get angry. This is all so unsettling.

I feel like you abandoned me. It's been almost 2 months since our last session. I don't think I'll go back, but I find myself wondering if you think of me at all.

I lied, before. I did trust you. It's ironic that you saying what you did for my own good is the same thing that broke my trust. Ugh.

I'm sorry you have to wait so long between sessions. In my personal experience I'm not sure a transitional object would help -- I have worked very hard to get past my transference with her and I think that might make it worse for me. I don't audio record sessions, but I immediately journal about the session (both what happened and how I feel/felt) so it's kind of like a record for me. Thanks for the advice

T,
Good news: I'm a week and a half sober. You didn't even know I had a problem, but whatever. Yay.
Bad news: I've relapsed into my eating disorder again.
I'm sorry. I know I'm letting you down. I just don't know how to live with stability. I don't know what it is to exist without being self destructive.
Annie

Hi T,

Someone cancelled on me again... Why do people always cancel on me? Am I that disgusting and unbearable?