Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

I think I have figured out who "arrived" yesterday and it makes so much more sense now. Did you know or guess who it was?
This is going to be so hard for her. It is going to be so very, very hard. I think that means it is going to be hard for me too right?

Hi R,

I should have known that being so vulnerable with you yesterday would make today's recovery many times more challenging than usual. Thank you for wishing me luck today...I really think I am going to need it. Week after next....I can do this.

I like you.

I didn't think about your beauty today. I think this is a good sign! But really... Are you even human being?

Thanks god I don't have to deal with ET. It would kill me. Well, I used to have some ashaming fantasies, but I'm definitely NOT in love with you. I don't know why. Not because you're not good enough for me or anything. You're amazing. But my love for you is something different.

Tbh, I have no idea what exactly do I feel. You're in my heart, that's all I know.

Eta: it's funny that you don't remember you said you loved me. I'll never forget it. It was one of the best moments of my life actually.
Eta2: you took off your wedding ring again. It's okay. But you hold it in your hand while gesticulating, and it looked like you were showing your ring to me. I almost giggled lol

hey will u respond to my email at some point and say that it was ok

I don't think you can love someone sometimes. You can feel it sometimes. But love is love...

Shame I haven't got a session today... today i don't feel like holding back, by the time session comes round I will probably back out of what I want to say...

3 sleeps, I can do 3 sleeps.

I keep checking, yes it is only 3 sleeps.

Dear T2,
I'm glad your back is feeling better. Thanks for today's session. Since you said it's still Thanksgiving weekend, I'm thankful I started seeing you.
Gratefully,
LT

PS: And I felt pretty connected to you again today, which I know should be a positive thing. But of course I'm petrified of getting attached to you. And wonder if that's part of the real reason I was crying, because there was stuff I was afraid to talk about regarding you. So it was easier to just say the tears were all about the holiday and OCD stuff....

look forward to texting with you tomorrow

Dear T2,

Hopefully I'll have the courage to hand you the printout of this next week...
"So there was this moment in session where I was really upset and you seemed caring and it was like, in that moment, I wished you could give me a hug. (I'm fully aware that you couldn't do that.) And it's like I had that thought, then all these alarm sensors were going off in my brain like, "Danger, potential attachment alert!" And I just tried to act totally normal (I'm sure I completely failed at that!), when in reality, I probably should have shared the thoughts in my head at that moment. (And yes, MC often says I "shouldn't should," that I say too often that I "should" do a certain thing, when that's not necessarily the case). But still I feel like this is something I need to bring up because the thought crossed my mind--and not just about how it crossed my mind, but also my reaction to it. Because it's not just with you--it's basically anytime I feel connected to someone, the warning bells go off. So we need to address what that's about, because I'm pretty sure that's not a healthy response to feeling connected..."
--LT

I feel horrible. I feel ungrounded and insane. I feel like I will feel like this forever.

T,
I scare myself. I have so much to tell you. I'm so scared you're going to tell me this will be our last session due to your busy schedule and me moving next month. I'm not ready for us to part, I still have so many things to work through...

Please say something... Anything??????

I'm a miserable piece of ****.
I should say bye, but I can't

T, you are the best thing since sliced bread.

I'm sorry I'm so crazy

You must be messing with me. No one can be that dense.

Dear curren T and PrevT,

If I would choose PrevT to be my T again, that means no hugs, no little notes, no personal disclosure. And I like those things. I need them. No constantly. But I need that from a T. I needed that when PrevT was still my T, before I ever met current T. Current T does this and it is helpful for me. I don't think I can miss this at this point in my life.

I don't know what to do with this anger, rage really.

It's eating me up.

We've discussed that it's a defense.

But, against what?

I have no clue, really. And, it doesn't look like you do either.

I can't go on like this -- I'm really worried that I'll end up causing irreparable damage to someone else or even just my own self.

Dear Info,

Suddenly, after a pretty decent few days, I’m surrounded by a dark cloud again. Want to self-destruct.

I don’t think it’s anything to do with you really, though I think your talk of a session with No. 3 last night had something to do with it. Yes, I’d like to talk to her about this whole episode. No, I think it’s a dreadful idea with great potential for harm.

ATAT

PS Now in the pool locker room, too depressed to even change into my suit and go swim my mile.

Omggggg ur killing me
I did it to myself tho

It's Saturday, RoboT. It was probably an amalgamation of things, but I did not yearn for our session today like I normally do. I haven't missed you in several days. I'm glad I didn't reach out to you like I wanted to. I think I'm finally moving on.

It's just my brain isn't it? I'm not terrible, everything isn't terrible? Just my brain being crap? I wish it would stop.