Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

why did i send that second text? i feel so dumb now. we had a good day yesterday too. ugh.

Hi T,

I was convinced ti go out again. I feel sad and alone and isolated. Everyone here can have fun without me, they ignore me, there’s no need for me to be here. To be beneath humans. It doesn’t matter whether I exist or not.

I don’t understand how those people here can walk around, joke, have fun together, have conversations. No matter how hard I try, I’m not part of it. I’ll never be. I’ll stay alone my whole life - excluded.

I wuv you, your ugly sweater notwithstanding.

Wow, I wish I could tell you my good news. I know you'd be so happy for me, and proud of me. And you'd make me say something positive about myself. I guess the point of therapy is that you've taught me how to do that, and I don't need you to force me anymore.

I appreciate how much you allow me to be in control, and go with my flow. But I did like it when you brought up the right-y brain topic from the week before and revealed you even watched the TED talk I recommended. That was pretty cool.

Today is three years to the day since our first appointment.

I may not see you over the holidays but I'll be back next year.

JunkDNA -

Where are you?
How are you?
Thinking of you, praying you are holding on and keeping on.

AllHeart

On 12-15 on the Couch thread she posted that she was going quiet for awhile.

I'm so extremly scared of you leaving me right now.

Don't leave me.

I'm trying to be good.

Four more sleeps...I hope I can explore at the depth that I need to, and also that I can cope with the fallout from that. Hoping for a tidier ending this week than last.

I cannot believe it's been a month already since I was there. The time has gone by SO fast. I want to see you, and let you know I'm not going to be coming back after this, it's going to be an emotional conversation probably but I won't let myself run away from actually having it. I didn't want to do it on the phone or over email because there can be misunderstandings when you aren't face-to-face. Yes, it would be easier (at first) to just disappear on you like part of me wants to.... but I also know myself.... I know that if I did that, I would regret it at some point and that wouldn't be easy. So, please let us have a positive experience. I really, really need it to be as warm and genuine as it can be.

Oh and that thing I won't say anymore? It's still true. And I know you (still) know.

Artie, if it is still true, why won't you say it anymore?

Dear Dr. S,

Ok, so now I have bought you 2 gifts for Christmas - both inappropriate, I don't know. Why can't my innerworld be at peace with itself?

Oh, and that stuff I wrote in my journal, yeah. I'm not ready to talk about it so I moved it. I might never be ready to talk about it.

love,
me

Dear MC,
I'm not really sure what to say to you tomorrow. Feeling more on the anger side right now than the hurt side, but that's been going back and forth. I'm guessing you'll want to talk about the e-mail from T, but maybe not? I'd really like to be able to feel more OK with you before the holiday break. But that would require you to apologize and/or take responsibility for what you said. Like admit that you handled the cutting back on contact thing incorrectly...(If nothing else, you should have done that in session, not during a phone call.) But I'm not sure you're willing to do that. It would be nice if you could swallow your pride and show compassion to your patient of >3 years, who you supposedly genuinely care about. Please don't throw all of that away and make me question whether you've really meant what you've said over the past few years...
LT

ha. because! i am a stubborn pain in the *****!

Gotcha...

Hi T
Sorry for the rant yesterday (in this thread I mean)
I'm alive. I miss you.
Hope you're doing great.

M.

It’s really late and I should be asleep.

The book is going to come in and I can’t wait to do away with it.

Burn it?

Shred it into a million pieces.

It’s just another book.

Right?

No.

No.

I don’t even want to talk about it.

No!!!

I wish the book wouldn’t even come.

I do t want it to.

No explanations.

No!

I hate myself T. I know that's bad, and I've tried to resist, but everything is so dreadful. I keep messing things up and being an idiot. I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself. I want to destroy everything.

I guess I'm gonna have to walk home from work

Lol... A coworker just asked me to chip in $2 for buying the manager a gift card. I had to tell her I don't even have 2$
I have nothing

I want to die

T-

Please acknowledge the email before I come in on Thursday. I need to know we are both on the same page, before I walk into your office.

Healed

Dear MC,
OK, you kinda redeemed yourself today...you listened to me, took some responsibility for the boundary confusion, reassured me, gave me more clear outside contact boundaries (reluctantly, but still), seemed nervous that we might not want to come back for another session, and kinda explained (without outright saying it) that a misunderstanding about the e-mail was what made you feel we couldn't talk about certain things individually...Thank you. Part of me just wanted you to be a jerk, so that I could just be done with you. But that's really not how I'd want things to end between us...not after all this time and how much has happened. So I'm glad it won't.
Love you,
LT