Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Hi R,

I'm between a rock and a hard place today/this week. I understand why we can't meet, and I know I would kick myself for wasting a session on this, but...



It wasn't unexpected, and yet in a way it was. We knew it was coming, and we didn't know how soon.

I've never felt so much like a passenger in my own body/mind.

Hi t. I'm thinking about this t relationship today. What will replace it after we say goodbye? Probably nothing external anyway. I think perhaps what I'm about right now is finding "us" inside myself....

These hallucinations will be the death of me

A whole load more s*** has hit the fan. I'm about done for this year.

Today at work was horrible. I feel like a failure, and it is negatively impacting me. I am so overwhelmed and for some reason it is bringing up my abandonment fears. Something is wrong with me. Will I ever be sane? Will I ever be able to weather the storm without losing myself? Where have I gone? I can't deal with the amount of work that is being given to me, and yet that is my task. My anxiety is skyrocketing and I wish I could just give up. I keep pushing forward but feel like waving a white flag.

I miss the days when I could just text you and ask it we are okay and your response would make me feel SO much better. What happened? I don't know how I got here, but me trying to soothe myself isn't working. This is completely devastating to me. I feel like a failure at dealing with myself. Why do I have to be so difficult to deal with? Why can't I let myself soothe myself? I feel so DESOLATE. I'm trying to be compassionate with myself but the words don't translate into a meaning for me. What does this look like? How does one treat oneself with compassion? I remember telling you that I can't feel compassion for myself because it makes me feel vulnerable, and when I think of being kind to myself, I just feel defensive. help

Dear Info,

We have an appointment tomorrow.

I feel like I just keep going because I’m afraid you’re the last train leaving the station. Last chance at finding a competent therapist since 3. But if I stopped coming I don’t think I’d try another therapist. And it does provide some help.

You’re at least more understanding than 2, or DBC, or CW.

ATAT

Today was the first time that we talked about my trauma.

You asked me what all I could remember, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell you all of it.

I couldn't find the words to tell you how he asked me to show him when I cut myself because of what he did.

I couldn't find a way to say what happened with the flash light.

I know these are important details because of how they affect me, but I just don't know how to say them.

Dear T
I'm afraid I'll see you in public one day... And you will be with your friends or family
I know you have friends and family, but I don't want to see them. It would break my heart... again.
I don't want to see your other clients either.

Dear T's friends and family
Take care of him, okay? You're so lucky.

Well, now I'm kinda freaked out over how well you handled things this evening. I don't understand why the other shoe just doesn't drop. Having a healthy therapist that acts with my best interests in mind is hard to comprehend. I hope I can be re-conditioned and adjust. Thank you for graciously understanding, apologizing sincerely, and for once again meeting me where I am at.

T,
It's making me really nervous not knowing if this will be our last session or not. I wish I could just know. I hate the uncertainty of the free clinic. I'd say "you get what you pay for" but you're a wonderful T, and the clinic tries its best. It's no one's fault.
Either way... I'm not ready to leave you.
Annie

Ahhhh t. Thursday will be 2 weeks into my break. This morning I was feeling really "I miss you, I miss us". But as I've learned to do, I remembered I've felt that way before and got through it, let myself miss you, and those feelings morphed into wonderful memories of those times I felt most connected to you, a little wistful about the child-like attachment and how strong that was, ultimately how healing it proved to be somehow, even though I hated it a lot of the time.... I find myself looking forward to coming back for a couple sessions to reminisce with you about our years as a "team", and to say a heartfelt but bittersweet goodbye. Although my internalized version of you will always be with me, I know I will miss this very strange, very intimate, most healing and convoluted relationship that we have shared. 6 years. Holy cow. I never imagined back in 2011 just how much all of this would come to mean to me. It's been amazing, t.

Dear MC,
Is it possible that my transference for you has just...gone away? Was it you judging me and not really apologizing (until I basically fed you the words that I wanted to hear and you reluctantly said them)? Is it that you seem to still think I'm the one with all the issues in the marriage, that it's all up to me to change how I think and react and feel? Which doesn't seem fair or accurate...and just makes me feel bad about myself. Or did I just need to start seeing another male T-- one with (I think--so far) better boundaries? And one who seems to care and wants to help me, but is doing that by working with me in a partnership--not trying to "fix" me, like it often feels like you are? Some combination of the above?
--LT

ETA: I feel like I should be happy or relieved if it has in fact gone away, but instead I just feel sad and empty...

Dear T,
Tomorrow afternoon still feels like a long way away. I hope you can help me feel better. Just feeling hopeless and sad right now...about my marriage, about myself, about MC, about... And please be a bit less talkative than last time, since I suspect I'll have a lot to say...or if I do end up being more quiet, maybe just sort of sit in the quiet with me?
--LT

I'm so glad I can see you tomorrow. I know I've annoyed the heck out of you. Please be gentle with me as you've always been. I'm going thru a hard time still and need to feel support

Dear T,

You’ve given me a long list of things to avoid, the news, anything political, Facebook, and religious people and things (I had a bad religious experience). Please stop giving me things to avoid, I don’t want to live in a bubble. If you keep giving me things to avoid I will make my own list of things to avoid and you will be at the top of it.

-Butterfly

T- your text out of the blue thanking me for the tea I left with you last week really made my day. I like it when you think of me outside of session. I think about you too. I still wonder if we would’ve been better as friends.

Dear Info,

You’re obviously frustrated with me, and I’m frustrated with you. No one’s ever suggested I was setting someone up before. Not even 2-ex, who was completely paranoid.

I bet even 3 wouldn’t have said she felt I was setting her up. But you did.

So maybe it’s time to part ways.

ATAT

Dear Dr. S,

I am not sure about having this video software. I'm glad you were willing to put yourself on invisible. Thank you for doing the testing today and not make me use my session time for it. I do think it was better than just a phone call. I got to see the bookshelf behind you and I could almost smell the safety of that space.

I love you,
-me

Dear T,
And I'm reading that book you recommended. Pretty sure I do most of those cognitive distortions--but that's no surprise to you, I'm sure. And I know when I first talked to you, I was like, "CBT doesn't work for me--don't try it!" But maybe it was more about the practitioner or the particular stage I was at then. So, I suppose it's OK if you try some of those techniques on me. (I'm not riding the wave of anxiety during a panic attack though--that definitely doesn't work for me!)
There was also a statement in that book about how T's who just sit there passively and listen often don't ultimately end up helping their clients much. So, OK, maybe it's OK if you talk a fair amount...I mean, don't tell me a bunch of random personal stories like MC, but relevant stuff...(and it's OK to sneak in an occasional recommendation to watch an SNL commercial, because that was pretty funny and did make me laugh).
--LT

T,

I bet you'll also say I haven't been doing the self compassion exercises you gave me. But I have! I swear what I said above isn't related to how I feel about myself. It's about control. I promise I have been practicing, I'm not good at it. (You would want me to say "yet" right there.)
Annie

M.

Would you please tell me who you think I am?

Who do you perceive me to be?

I’m having a hard time trying to figure that out for myself.

I don’t trust the people who are in my life right now to base my opinion of myself on.

It’s numbing and disturbing.

I’m a chameleon and I am who I am supposed to be.

I don’t want to be that with you.

I want to be me.

I am curious if you know who “I”
am.

Just curious.

I really do love you. Thank you for being patient with me, at least occasionally.

Hi T,

Maybe I should start a comedy show about my life

Omg I’m exactly like him, am I not?

Hi R,

I'm feeling frigging exhausted at the moment. I'd just like to be able to wake up and feel like I've slept. Too much to ask? Next week, I would like to start by explaining the photograph I have been bringing to session for weeks without saying a word about it. Seems like the right time.

Then I need to explain the pottery tutor's apology/reaction, and then we can get into more about January 2011. I can't wait to feel safe again.

Dear T,

I hope I can see you today but my physical health comes first. You didn't get my email so you don't know what's going on. I will email you or call if I have to cancel. I feel like something is terribly wrong with me. I don't know why the ER let me leave! I need a hug from you right now.