Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Dear Dr. S,

You didn't return my book to me today. I didn't ask for it back. I don't know why. I thought about it and that you have it. hmmm will I have to ask for it back?

me

Are you okay? I'm available for chat or a PM if you want to talk.

Stay safe jDNA.... sending healing energy to you

I'm sorry. Y'all can just forget about me. Everyone else already has anyway

no, its those stupid voices in your head lying to you. i promise. please post here if it helps. i would be sad if you didn't post anymore boby!

No they haven't. Don't listen to the voices--they lie.

No they haven't....don't listen to those lying voices.... keep posting here...

No need to be sorry, JD. I hope you can hear us saying that those messages are lies and that we care.

Please hug Boby and stay safe.

[QUOTE=junkDNA;5942304]I'm sorry. Y'all can just forget about me. Everyone else already has anyway[/]

Please be kind to yourself.

I value you and your posts.

I wish you can see him weekly too. You do deserve him as a good T. Your problems aren't stupid. You matter and your pain is completely valid.

T, thanks for understanding yesterday. I didn't know if you would or not and it was huge relief to me that you did. I will come and see you on Monday. I'm sorry for being so difficult. I know it will get better.

I wrote you a poem for Christmas. I hope you like it.

My dependent part is terrified. It is afraid that you are going to push me out of the nest before I am ready.

I suspect that my independent part is angry because I am so dependent which is so painful. This part of me might be angry, I feel that there is something afoot within me. But it's just a feeling along with the fact that I keep wondering if you are angry at me or if you want to get rid of me. I can imagine I might be angry with you but I can't imagine wanting to get rid of you. I suspect I am projecting, though, but have no idea. I feel like I am going completely insane.

It's like two warring polar opposites who have different ideas and can't compromise.

You were very obvious about looking at your watch four times and I don't know what that means outside of you couldn't wait to rid yourself of me and go home. It felt horrible and hurt. Can't you just tell me what you are trying to convey so I can actually either experience the hurt and get it over with versus feeling like I'm insane and/or totally confused. It makes things seem unreal and I am doubting my emotional experience.

So my compromise with myself is that I am going to go to every other week starting this Summer. However, when I start back to work, I want to temporarily go every week. I have no idea if this is real. I have no idea if I really am compromising with myself or if I am just crazy. It feels like an accurate depiction, though.

I notice that you aren't validating how I feel/what I think regarding the stupid work book (and something else but I don't remember what), but instead you are telling me how other people at work are validating what I think/feel. I finally figured this out, and it has been driving me crazy This is why I need the words to describe/understand what is going on within me. It's like I need you to validate how I feel, I can't do this myself. This was an interesting realization. Unfortunately, it feels like I am being punished for getting better.

Well I miss you and it's only been day 1. You make me feel safe,something I realize I've never really had before.

P.s I really like the new photo of you on your website.

On top of everything that is going on at home, I'm hoping that I am mis-reading because...

I was working hard and you put the brakes on right in the middle of it.
Then you started spacing my sessions out longer.
Then you mentioned your schedule is tight,
and that you're dropping my insurance.

I half expect that when I see you next week, you'll tell me you're dropping me as a client.

I really like you, but it isn't really about you. It's just that this is a really really bad time. Everything is raw right now, like my skin peeled off. The idea of starting over in therapy with someone new makes me want to barf. The idea of going it on my own without one place to be really gut-wrenching real about what this life is like also makes me want to barf. So I really hope I'm wrong. (But my spidey-sense is tingling.)

I have NO idea who I am, what I need or what is going on inside of my head but I'm so devastated. I feel like I'm making decisions for myself but I don't have all the information I need. I am lost and confused, nothing new. There is no coherent me, just intellectualizing in hopes of solving the problem of Who am I?

If you know who I am, please let me know. I might not be a me. I am stuck between trying to figure out what you might want me to do and trying to appease my dependent part so I am not in so much pain. I am a big nothing trying to pass for a human. and failing.

Am I driving you crazy? I feel like such an ingrate. I feel like I am going completely insane, I feel like I am an unsolvable problem. I am merely a conundrum. I need to get out of my head somehow. I need to escape this mass confusion. I hate being so preoccupied, I feel like I am not okay. I truly don't have a self.

T my problem of course (why I can't let myself call) is I know I'll narc on myself, and tell you that part of me doesn't want to come back even to wrap up and say goodbye. I feel mean for thinking that.

You probably knew this would happen didn't you and that's why you asked if we should schedule the coming back...

Stupid stubborn ego.
Eta haha I fooled myself and called anyway and left a message asking to schedule.

Dear T,

As you know, I have an unhealthy acquaintance I talk to. You asked me how long I’d been talking to her. 3 months? 6 months? A year? You asked. I kind of just agreed after you said a year but honestly it’s been about 3 years. I was just scared to admit that, as I feel stupid for not breaking this relationship off sooner.

Please don’t hate me,
Butterfly

so t. what on earth made you ask if i needed to see you today? that was just weird. oh well. but now i feel dumb for calling. i should have just let it go.

eta but dang it, i know me. you've helped me get to know me this much - enough to know that if i don't come back to wind things up and say goodbye, if i run away from that and just disappear on you, i'll regret it.

so i called.

Dear FM,
You are on a roll tonight in answering emails. I'm glad you are not one of those that expects an apology for sending 4 in 1 hour.

I am glad we got to share a meal and exchange gifts before I leave for overseas. I'm glad you liked your gifts. Your gift to me, the book, "Up From The Pavement: Triumph over Grief and Trauma through Medicine...has made for heartfelt reading. This therapist had quite a difficult healing journey and I look forward to getting to know her soon. I'll finish it when I start my journey.

Again, thanks for seeing me through the deadlines and listening to the madness I created by procrastinating and pushing the final project into the 11th hour.

Love you much,
AesB

...I'm Free!

I sometimes feel exactly the same way- that I don't know who I am. Do what's best for you, not how someone wants you to be.

Hi R,

We need to talk about that email I sent last week. Not knowing whether you saw it is driving me up the wall.

See you Thursday,

Lost

Ok, I'm ready to start with this process. I will be honest and try to practice humility when we work together. I am sorry I was so rude. I will be aware and responsible.

Thank you for saying you're really looking forward to seeing me. I don't want to admit it but I can't wait to see you now, too. It's only been a month, for heaven's sake.

That was so much better.