Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Didn't get enough sleep again. I also just threw up all over my porch. I don't know why that happened

Ugh, hope you feel better soon. Do you have to work today, or can you maybe take a nap? You have T, right?

Yeah I see t today. Sorry I haven't wrote back to ur pm yet. I can't think straight anymore. I'm not usually able to nap unless I sedate myself with seroquel

Oh, it's OK, take your time! I know my response was pretty long. Hope it goes well with T.

So, my feelings towards you relate directly to feelings towards people from my past. Who'da thought it?

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I felt heard. And I appreciate that you have good boundaries and clear-cut policies. It makes me feel safer with you. Fuzzy/loose boundaries can seem nice until suddenly they're not and they come back to attack you.
LT

heya t. so tomorrow will be 4 weeks since we talked last. how does time go by so fast?!

I'm feeling real bad at the moment, T. And that leads me to the negative thoughts about myself. I'm trying to be less critical and more understanding of myself, but it hurts and I hate feeling this way. How can I forgive myself for hurting like this? Why can't I just be ok?

T,
I just left campus and said goodbye to all my friends... some of them forever because they are graduating. And then it sunk in that I won't get to see you until August. This is going to be really weird.
Annie

M.

I got home and found some space and got a download from the 12yo.

There are many questions and there’s some anger about feeling like I was wrong in the eruption that happened with him.

Do you understand the amount and level of numbness that came unleashed in that moment?

All of the anger from the unjust things that he has said to us in the past that was pushed down and shushed. It came out in that moment.

Ya know, the sad thing is that he was so messed up that he doesn’t even remember it.

There’s no satisfaction in the fact that I finally totally lost it and he has no memory of it.

I guess that’s just me wanting to be prideful in the fact that I had finally gotten on his level and reacted to him in a way that he would understand.

But.

He had no memory of it, so that just leaves me feeling like a bad person for acting the way I did.

I’m going to pursue this and see where it takes me.

I couldn’t tell you what he accused me of the other night. It involved you and it made me so very angry.

I don’t understand people. I never have and it makes me feel alone.

My little parts hurt.

The 12yo is not understanding why she was wrong in what she did. It felt like self protection and it was warranted.

T, that was a terrible session to end the year. and now you're away for 28 days. ugh. i know a lot of the terrible was coming from me and my complete inability to fathom a 28-day break in the midst of the work we've been doing around attachment trauma. and some of it was coming from you 'cos i know you're struggling with having to take such a long break right now. but your family stuff takes priority over my mental stuff. at least for you.

and having lost that other person to sunnier climes (good for him, but not for me), and with all the face-to-face support services shutting down for the holidays (how's that supposed to work when this time of year is really difficult for so many people?), i am officially without any mental health support for 28 days.

unless i call a 'phone line. which i won't because the experiences with them have been sub-par, to say the least.

looks like it's all on me.

Dear T,
I've been thinking about it, and I think I know why I needed to hand you that note at the start of session about what I wanted/needed and didn't want yesterday. I think it wasn't so much about you, but about MC. I felt steamrolled and unheard by him Sunday/Monday, and I think I just needed to assert myself. I needed to feel in control of the session. I almost think it didn't matter so much what happened after that--unless you'd totally screwed it up (which you didn't!). I think I just needed to assert myself and have you seem accepting of that (which you did). Perhaps we can address this briefly next week...
Warm regards,
LT

PS--Don't forget to copy me on that e-mail! (Unless you already sent it and already did...But you very pointedly said "You'll be getting an e-mail" when I was leaving, so I'd like to believe you wouldn't forget...or forget to send it entirely.)

Hi R,

The ending to today's session felt really clunky. Neither of us at fault, of course. Hoping for a tidier proceeding next week. Hoping I will be able to speak cleanly, and damn the consequences.

'Bristling...'
'Bristling?'
'Bristling...'

What does that even mean?

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm goin back to the start

Dear MC,
I think I've managed to get out of the whole "this is all my fault" mode, probably partly thanks to T. And shifted more into the anger I was feeling on the call Sunday. This is as much your fault as it is mine. Really, the fact that you're the trained professional here tilts it to being more your fault...you should be able to handle my feelings and emotions, good and bad. You should be able to handle criticism. You should be able to examine yourself and realize that, hey, maybe you *have* been inconsistent at times and get how that can be confusing for clients. How you've given me really mixed messages about what's OK and what isn't. I hope you're somehow able to see that--because I can't believe I'm the only client you hurt with that. Remember, there may have been ones who were hurt but never told you...and the troubled teens you see are particularly vulnerable...

I wish I'd started seeing T much earlier than I did--because he makes me appreciate solid boundaries and clear policies over things like outside contact.

I hope you're in therapy yourself or supervision (not just the whole weekly clinical staff meeting thing, where I doubt you'd bring this up...). Because I think you need to examine what you're doing. If some of this is grief messing with how you do your job, then you need to have other places to process that other than your clients. Or else maybe not practice at all...

LT

Missing you this morning.

Dear T,

It's been 24 hours since our last session and I already have more than enough for next session. By tomorrow I will have more than enough for two sessions.

Meanwhile you are at a retreat without internet access for 4 days so I can't even email about what's going on. Yesterday I was feeling young and clingy, now I am feeling young and immature, as in-- Damn all meditation retreats! What kind of granola bull **** is this?

~ml

Would it help to send the email, even knowing you won't get a response? Sometimes I think of my T's email and voicemail inboxes as little containers where I put my intensely unpleasant feelings so she can hold onto them for me. It often makes me feel less burdened. I find that once I place the feelings in there, it doesn't matter so much how soon she reads/listens to the message.

I wish I could see you weekly... Or every 10 days... I don't know.
But I know I don't deserve you, I know my problems are stupid and I'm miserable.

I'm so sorry

Thanks, ElectricManatee. I might write it and not send it, but read it to him next session. I tend to be obsessive, so just getting the words clearly written down might help lessen that.

My T is really prompt and consistent about sending back a short email within in a few hours (usually within 2 hours), so I think I've always felt like he was right there, and I'm just struggling knowing he's not. Writing should help though. I appreciate your suggestion!

Dear T,
So your memory kinda sucks, but that's OK. I'd rather you check in with me to make sure you correctly remember what to tell MC instead of telling him the wrong thing. At least I know you didn't just forget to do it entirely!
LT

Please stay safe, JDNA. Feel free to PM...

I had so much to say and bow my brain feels wiped. All I wrote down seems biw so far away. But if I dont give it to you, I just keep being stuck in this vicious circle of not opening up and I have to. I look forward to next session, and at the same time I'm scared.
What if I never get better? All I want is you to tell me its gonna be okay..,

jDNA, I think your T would be shattered if you were to do that. You've had a bond for a long time, and I can remember some times his care for you really showed. I think you drew a picture once, from your childhood, and he sat and stared at it and -- this is my own vague memory, but -- I think he was hit hard by it, he got very quiet, and I think felt awful about what you'd been through. He does care, but I understand sometimes, it's hard to see it or remember it. I hope you feel it again soon. Please try to stay safe.