Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

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t, i'm sitting here this afternoon with a lot of feelings kinda bombarding me and i think i'm going to go over to a journey circle this evening. i need to process all of the many feelings that are coming up over thinking about making this upcoming break permanent. i'm not sitting here bawling like I've done in the past over this subject which is a good sign i think but i need to process these feelings nevertheless and journeying to a drumbeat with friends sounds like a perfect way to do so.

Dear Info,

Tomorrow we’re talking more about No. 3. It would be a waste of time to spend more than a few minutes on the divorce hearing; it has to happen, and we can deal with the fallout later.

But 3...I am really sick of thinking about her, of having every emotion from pain to anger about her, of wondering when you’re going to make severe boneheaded mistakes like her and not resolve them. I trust by now from things you’ve said and done that you won’t be like 1, or 2, or CW, or even Smaug. Possibly not even DBC. But you could always be like 3, a good therapist who made bad mistakes. And that’s a fear much less easy to assuage.

ATAT

Posting this here so I don't actually e-mail you all this:
Dear MC,
So, the thing is, there's this part of me that wants you to say, regarding what you told T2, that it's OK I went looking for and found out what I did. That you're not mad or upset about that, even if it made things more difficult for you. That you understand why I did it. That you forgive me.

But then there's this other part of me that feels I shouldn't be looking for that. Not because you'd probably say something like, "If I'm bothered by it, it doesn't matter. It's not a reflection on you as a person."

Instead, it's because, when I really think about it--not from the self-hating part of myself, but from the more rational, intellectual part of myself--that I don't see where I did anything wrong. There were all these signs pointing in a particular direction, and I just verified what I was already sensing.

I don't know what I'm looking for in response to this. I mean, I know you're probably not going to be like, "It's OK, LT. I forgive you." Because maybe you don't. And I guess that's OK... I mean, sure, I'd rather you feel and say that, but if you don't, I know it doesn't mean you're rejecting me because, if you were going to do that, you would have done that by now, like terminated us or whatever. I think I just want to know that you understand why I did that search on that particular day.

So...I don't know. I just had to get this out, I think.

--LT

I will get this sooner or later or somewhere in between.

I'm angry with you because you're not here. You and pdoc. You keep talking about how I was left alone, but you're leaving me alone all the same.

You're cruel

You create an illusion of giving me support that does not hold for longer than session time

This. I'm actually thinking about that all day today...

T,
You give me the illusion...that I'm worthy of love and care... But it's false.

Do you know how much does it hurt? You have every right to hate me and to be annoyed, I don't blame you... But why give me this illusion?

I'm tired of being alone. I'm getting really annoyed with myself and my mind

I feel so done.. I can’t do anything anymore. It seems like the only option. I’m sorry.

Hugs. Are you safe?

Dear T2,
Sorry for being needy. I know you probably won't have anything before Wed., especially having been out of town, but thought it wouldn't hurt to ask. Really, it's fine either way.
--LT

Hi R,

It amazes me how easily I can go from sending you an email to thinking 'Damn, did that come off as proscriptive? That wasn't my intention...'

That said, we both know where I need to go...and I have given some serious thought to how you can help me stay safe when I am in that place.

Four more sleeps...

I love you. And I'm highly anxious because of what's happening between us. Remember last time we had a rupture and we said how good it was that I wasn't so anxious because I had faith we would fix it? Why has that gone again? Do I not have faith we will fix this? What's going on?

Dear T2,

Aw, that was a really nice and caring response. Glad you're able to see me Tuesday.

--LT

Dear Dr. S,

25.5 hours to go. I still haven't emailed you. It has not been an easy weekend. I don't know about tomorrow.

-me

Thank you so much for this. It has been an incredibly difficult weekend and you have no idea how much this meant. I’m safe now just struggling. I truly appreciate the hugs and concern

hey t. i will see you tomorrow and tell you this, but i feel broken. pretty much un-repairable.

I am not sure what happened with me. I think I misread what you were writing in the text? I guess this is more grist for the mill. But I feel bad anyway. I want to learn how to treat that part of me with compassion and be able to deal with it myself. I'm just not sure if I know what is going on with me right now.

Ex T,

I still think about you and I often have imaginary conversations with you in my head, even though I have another therapist now.

Info,

I don’t really blame you for today’s session (though I am pretty irritated with you right now). After all, you’re only human.

“I’m only human.” Such a catch-all excuse. It celebrates humanity’s flaws, not its ability to learn from mistakes, to set ambitious goals and then attain them. It says, “you can’t expect better of me, even if I’m a surgeon and by mistake I amputated the wrong leg. What else did you think would happen? I’m only human.”

If we are the only animal capable of reflection and thought, we should think about our mistakes, not jump to excuse them; we should at least try to fix them or build on them or learn from them, not let any discussion of them end with the words “I’m only human.” Say that if you wish, but then go on to demonstrate the better side of your humanity.

Your attempts to excuse 3 on the grounds she’s human take away from the fact I’m human, too, and can be hurt. And she hurt me. It doesn’t get us anywhere.

ATAT

Eta: and if we’re all only human, why should anyone come to therapy to improve their lives? Might as well just accept them. There will always be something done wrong, because we’re only human.

Therapy is about being human, learning to accept it, and then working with the positive aspects of our humanity. And yet a therapist’s typical excuse flies in the face of that. For if you are only human, and you are serving as a model for your clients, then why should they make an effort? They’re only human too.

(Sorry for the ridiculously philosophical post.)

Hugs to both of you.

Capt, your words "You give me the illusion...that I'm worthy of love and care... But it's false." yea I cried

T,

I wonder if you ever wish you'd never met me.

I actually asked T on Friday: "If you knew... everything... before our very first appointment, would you run away?"
He said no. Hehehe. It's difficult to believe

I've asked that question too :O *hugs*

Hi R,

Last night, I cried intermittently for about an hour. Not how I imagined it coming out, but I think it was a 'good' beginning to the process. My back and such still feel like they're on fire, it's still there...but it's beginning.

Three more sleeps...