Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

I lost all hope, but it's okay. I don't matter. I'm glad you exist. I'm glad your friends, family and coworkers have you. Please take care. You're amazing.

I feel worse and worse, but it's okay. Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for everything.

Love,
A

Dear MC,
You looked so sad when I brought up going to the memorial/wake for my uncle. I guess in a few weeks, it will have been a year since you lost your wife. I hope you're doing OK...
Love you,
LT

Hi T,

Do you believe me when I say that I'm trying? Please believe me.

Miss you.

Sometimes I really think I shouldn't do this again. Get attached. Spend all my time thinking about you and waiting till I see you. I'm too scared to tell you that though. So I guess I'll carry on.

T I keep thinking today that maybe we should let our goodbye on 11/16 be The Goodbye. But then I think, I told you I wouldn't just disappear, that I would come back even if just to wrap things up. And that's what it would be, I have decided. As Sponge Bob says, "oh, barnacles!" I suppose I'll give it another week or two....

I am so incredibly confused right now. I don't know if our session today was helpful or harmful. I just know that the fear that sometimes hides deep within me has made itself fully present again. I'm so scared I can barely breathe. I am poison.

I was really stressed today at work and for three quarters of the day I was really angry. I decided the only thing I could do was to sit with my anger in hopes that it would dissipate. I feel so vulnerable with my coworker, like I feel like I am being too needy/or driving the person crazy. I want so bad just to deal with things myself instead of trying to somehow mitigate my anger. The day ended much better than it started. I felt like some things that I was worried about were resolved. I was trying to figure out the root of my anger and I think I discovered one reason for it, which included my social anxiety. See you Wednesday.

Hi R,

Three more sleeps until you find out the thrilling conclusion to my first anxiety attack, and the pottery tutor's apology. I'm looking forward to feeling safe again soon. Pottery tutor's comments have me back on 'It's all my fault' type thinking.

*disappears*

T,
I don't quite miss you, but I keep thinking things like "Oh, I need to remember to tell T that," and then I remember that I can't anymore.
I hope you are doing well and that, while these next two weeks will be so stressful for you, you can have a fun and restful holiday.
I hope you'll be proud of me in my sobriety. Whenever I'm tempted, I think of how you would be disappointed.
Annie

T, I don't get this humanning thing. I don't get it. I don't know how to do it. I don't think there is a point to it. I mean why bother? Why put ourselves through this.... crap. And what for? For.... what? What is the point? And if it doesn't matter to any one, to any thing, then why not just stop? It really is as simple as that, isn't it? Just choosing to .... stop.

ugh, i hate how messed up i am by your impending (looooong) break. and it makes it worse that i feel like you're talking at me - not with me - about it. your defensiveness is really not helping right now.

please try to put yourself in my shoes.

Still feeling rotten, but need to talk....

Hoping it turns into a cold, then backs off for an hour or so...so that we can have our normal session.

Im sorry for being such a hard-head last night, but when u bring up medication, I just close down. It'd seem like the biggest failure to me. Please, don't make me. I need you, and in the end, I'll probably do what you want just so you sont leave. I love you, and I wish I could have said all this last night, but there was just no way... Sorry.

Dear T,
I wrote out this whole index card of stuff to talk about today and totally left the whole thing from last session about "Are you concerned that you're shifting the transference to me" off of it! Guess that shows that either a lot has gone on in the past week, I'm not really all that worried about it, or both...Of course, I could feel different when I see you... I know we need to at least briefly address it. Perhaps I'll start with that, then move on to the other stuff. Since talking about it in the last 5 minutes...is not so good.
See you in 4 hours,
LT

Hope you have a good session, LT.

Dear T,

I feel bad. I am bad. Things are bad. Everything is bad. Please make it better.

I know you can't make it better. I suppose I'll just come and cry at you for an hour again. It can't come soon enough.

Love,
Me

(((luco))) you are not bad.

Thank you, Art. that means a lot to me.

I think I really am, though. I feel very bad tonight. I don't know what to do.

Dear T,
Thanks for reassuring me that we'd work through transference if it came up. That you've dealt with it with past clients (I figured you had, since you work with a lot of teens). Thanks for saying you'd never just drop me. Could you tell I was much more comfortable in the second half of the session? I was actually able to sustain eye contact for more than a second. Thanks for making me feel more secure.
And seriously, you're not into music of any kind? Huh.
But thanks.
Fondly (because saying "love" here, even though I know you won't see it, still scares me),
LT

Sounds lovely, lonesome.
I need to get there and mention it... I wish I weren't so freaking scared...

T,

Yep, that was a snarky email. No, I am not sorry.. and I would like to further add screw you.

Me

Dear Info,

Get with the program, lady. You therapists are always saying to be grounded. Take your own advice, maybe?

I canceled that appointment days ago, you acknowledged, I have the emails to prove it, and now you're "planning for tomorrow."

You're making Piaf look good and I have almost a month before meeting her.

ATAT

M.

............

Last night there were so many things going on inside of me, on my drive to your office.

There was a part of me that wanted to cry. It wanted to be seen and heard, but it got covered up very quickly.

It’s still there.

Covered.

It trusts you but it was covered.

I don’t know by what or who.

There are too many pieces of me in different places right now.

It’s ok though.

That part knows you and feels safe with you.

No pushing.

It likes that you always agree with that.

Thank you for who you are to “us”.

Dear MC,
Sorry for that e-mail. Music, particularly live music, has such an intense effect on me. It stirs up all kinds of emotions. I don't know why I associate a couple of those songs with you, but I just do. And hearing them live just dredged up these feelings in me that I couldn't control. I mean, I was crying at one point during the show and then when I was leaving. (Maybe people just thought I was really happy to see the band?)

Please just respond with the two words I'm asking for. And if you could not bring it up in session or make it a big thing, that would be good, too.
And I know, maybe it could seem to conflict with my thinking the transference is fading. But I think love and transference are different things--the transference could completely go away, and I could still love you.
And again, I get that you can't reciprocate that feeling (and even if you did...you couldn't say it, even though ex-T kind of did). Just confirm that it's OK that I feel that way.
Really, just respond "It's OK" (or perhaps "It's OK, LT.) That's all I want.
Love (obviously),
LT