Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Teehee my t needs a serious visit from the color fairy, cuz she always wears black....

I was worried you'd think I was too clingy and attached already, last week, 'cos I emailed you and texted you, even though it was about practical matters.

But today you said that you understand that I need to take time to build trust with you, that my experience with T(wat) has made that harder for me, that our 'therapeutic alliance' is still new...

and I realised - you really don't know, do you? Because I haven't told you, I'm scared to tell you... how much I appreciate you, how warmly I think of you, how safe I feel with you, how much I like you.

I guess I somehow expected you to be able to tell.

T,
Where have you gone? You're not on my side. You are on your side.
You diagnosed away my REAL issues. YOU told me I was neurotic when I asked you why I was so negative about the work book. BTW, I was unaware I was setting you up to fail me, if I was, and am not sure I was? I would text you, but I am tired of being rejected by you. I am rejecting the part of you that is rejecting this part of me. It is high time that you get out of your own way because I need you to accept me. In one of my first sessions with you, you told me that you were "thinking like a therapist," and using your curiosity. I hope this part of you shows up.
My Intellect, or lack thereof

P.S.: I still am very grateful for you.

Thank you for trying. It may never be enough, but, well, at least we tried.

I would be seeing you today.

Dear T,

I’m just amazed at how quickly you understand me now, how quickly you grasp my concerns and emotions and make me feel understood. You might have set a new speedy record tonight at making me feel immediately understood and heard. How is it my husband of 12 years can’t begin to grasp my emotions like you can in the span of 30 seconds? (And yes, I know the obvious answer with an enormous amount of schooling and experience.) I’m speechless at how much you get it, how well I feel understood. I’ve been stumbling all week and metaphorically bashing my head against the wall trying to get my husband to have just a small modicum of your level of understanding. Thank you to the moon and back, I feel so much less confused now.

Also, with that new sculpted soft wave hairstyle tonight? I can usually set aside the fact you are, by any accounts, an attractive man. But tonight I had to make an extra conscious effort to ignore you looking especially handsome tonight. I swear I don’t actually have inappropriate feelings for you...

I hope my time away brings me clarity. I hope the space will help me see things more clearly. Will I need to come back to therapy? Am I really "okay"? Do I have more issues I need to work through? (I suspect I do.)
I guess you'll find out when I come back in August.

I feel like a disappointment. I did talk to H about my problems I am having.

Thank you for disputing me when I said my childhood was neutral. I'm glad I felt safe enough to say aloud that twin abused me.

Hey t. I was gonna call you today but have decided to wait until next week. I guess I really don't need to be in such a hurry all the time. I did say a month 'or so'. Maybe I should have said yes to scheduling something when you asked. Cuz I don't want to come back now.

Hey t I hope you can find an open time or someone cancels. I need to talk these thoughts out of my head

You never cease to amaze me with your brilliance, your kindness, your compassion. I don't have the words to express to you how much you mean to me. You go over and above and you are a huge part of why I am experiencing so much success. Your text was so moving that I almost started crying at work. It feels different to experience success. I am so grateful for you. Thank you.

Me

Dear MC,
Could you at least clarify before Monday if you want us to talk then about the e-mail or would consider a phone call? (Or maybe both?) I hope you understand why I'm nervous to show H the e-mail...and wish I could just talk to you for a bit before talking to you with him. Had I not contacted you so much this week, maybe I'd text to ask if we could just talk a few minutes at some point before Monday (I know it's the weekend, but that hasn't stopped you before). I just, at the very least, need to know if you're going to say something about the e-mail in session if I don't--I need to be mentally prepared. So...say something back? Again, I feel bad about all the contact, but you're the one who called this "something that is not trivial," so...
Love,
LT

T, I am terrified of what you know about me. I've given you the power to destroy me.

I'm scared.

I get that. And, as perverted as it may seem, I want it that way.

So,
Der T,
I tell you everything. You either catch me or destroy me. Its okay.

No. 3,

you and your ****ing clinician’s hat

atat

Are you losing your mind?

After telling you I was in better spirits, being semi cheerful and calmer to ensure i leave ok since i seemed to need some stabilty, so you have to squash it by being negative and pessimistic, and you can't even smile one time? And when I question it, tell me I'm projecting and how dysfunctional I am? And how any and all relational fallout is because of me?

Please stop.

Dear Dr. S,

Hi, really just hi - you exist, you are here, I can email you if I want.... so 58 hours and counting. 3 sleeps. I can make it. You will be there. I hope I can see you in person, I miss seeing you.

love,
me

What will you say, t? What will you say????

Whyyyyyyy do u hate me

Jk
I know why.

Hi T

I hate being alone. Being alone is really bad.

Dear T,
Currently composing a rambling e-mail to you that I can't send, because your mere reading of it, let alone replying, would hit the $45 threshold, unless you're a serious speed reader. Might try to edit it and, if I haven't heard back from the person the e-mail involves and I'm still really stressed about the upcoming session with him, maybe I'll send it and just deal with $45. (If you're working tomorrow, you'd likely offer an extra session, or half-session, but I just took you up on that 2 weeks ago, plus then I'd have to tell H why I need an extra session, when talking to him about the topic is why I'm worried about Monday and want to talk to you anyway. Yeah, I'm aware this likely makes no sense--it will all become clear with the e-mail, if I send one, or else in session Tuesday. Hopefully not in an anguished text or phone call Monday night...)
LT

Hi R,

You don't even know that email exists yet, so why am I feeling vulnerable and guilty about it? This is hard, because you won't know it exists until at least Tuesday.

I'm so tired
Time to take a rest
???
You're the best

Hey are you dead