Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

Hi R,

Come hell or high water...I will see you tomorrow. You are mercifully not dense, unlike some I've had the pleasure of entrusting with my experience this week. 'You shouldn't have opened the emails' was probably the least helpful thing she could have said.

One more sleep....

Ur wife came in my store with ur kids. And baby T. It was weirdness.

Well, you've said before that I should challenge you. Let's see what happens when I do. I hope you don't disappoint.

You made some bad stuff feel a little bit less bad. At least for a while.

i dont even know who i am

MC,
I'm just telling myself that you haven't read my e-mail yet. Which is probably accurate.

Sorry I'm so needy and confusing...I even had a really good session with T yesterday. Maybe this is some sort of weird guilt that I feel connected to him so quickly, I don't know...I mean I don't LOVE him, not at that point (yet, anyway). But maybe the fact that I like him and appreciate his stronger boundaries, realizing that your weaker ones have made things more difficult for me and contributed greatly to my attachment and dependency? And maybe I'm feeling guilty for saying negative things about you to him, I don't know.
Remember, just those two words is all you need to say...
LT

I hope you liked my Christmas card. Talk Friday

Dear MC,

Thanks for your reply. The "of course it's OK" made me feel better. But the whole "nontrivial" part concerns me slightly. You have to know I want to discuss this with you--was that you offering to do that? I mean, I assume, since you said I should discuss with your or T. But just wondering if that means you're open to a phone call, or would I have to discuss it all with H there? If the latter...any chance I wouldn't have to show him e-mail? And that maybe it could be a vaguer talk about transference rather than "love"?
--LT

Hey t. Y'know I don't know that I've ever felt this way before but I'm just wanting to get this wrap-up and goodbye over with so it's not looming out there anymore so I can just get to gettin' on with my post-therapy life!! I'm not even gonna ask "is that wrong?" Cuz it just is what it is. I'll likely be calling next week to schedule a couple wrap-up sessions. K? K.

Some "break" huh. It's just a break from the relationship. I'm still processing **** like crazy....

That's awesome!

Sometines I wish we could just wrap up a session, have a drink together, and then go home together and spend the night chatting, laughing, crying, and hugging and be best friends forever.

I want you here talking to me right now, T. RIGHT NOW.

I wanna read the snarky screw you email

Yes to this.... although in my case neither of us drink

V,

We're going to talk about the weather? Seriously? And our sessions haven't been very productive or insightful. You aren't as bad as the one I tried for 2 sessions, but that's a pretty low threshold. I'm looking for something else I think. So I'm going T shopping again.

Well t. I started writing my goodbye letter to you this evening. Trying to capture the overall feelings from 6 years of what has been a tremendously powerful therapeutic relationship. I don't know that anyone is a good enough writer to do it justice... but I am trying. I'm at 431 words already and I think I better stop now... actually I guess that's not so much, that's what, about 72 words for each year? Sigh...

p.s. And the fact that I can write 431 words without shedding even one tear is amazing and a testament to the strength that you have helped me to find within myself. Oh I'm no fool I know the tears will come when we're face to face saying goodbye and in the days after but... that's to be expected... seriously t. Had I tried to write this letter even a month ago I'd have been bawling already. Those last 3 sessions that we had before I took this break were pretty darn amazing.

And now I need to stop thinking about this for a few days.

T,
My H's T told him that he is being controlling and that they were going to work on that.

(new paragraph)
I feel so defensive. I feel like you don't understand me. You tell me that I am born to be negative, that it's who I am. You KNOW how much this is an issue with me. Then I am angry at me for being angry at you. Who do I trust? You or me? Do I trust the feeling that you don't understand me as of late? Or not?

I feel like I don't belong anywhere, and that I just plain don't belong.

M.

I’m in a really bad place right now.

I’m not me.

D and I were talking last night about family issues and my job and the stress level that it puts on me.

He came back at me, as a narcissist will do with a worse scenario.

That triggered me and it’s pretty fragmented.

It actually feels like it’s kind of a dream.

I really don’t remember the actual words I said, but they were true and I felt courage in saying them.

The end result was him telling me that I have been f****** you for the past five years and shooting me the bird behind his head as he walked away.

I have no emotions right now.

I was dismissed and not worthy of a reply.

I don’t belong here. I really don’t.

I’m afraid to talk with you about this because I may have to suffer the consequences of being honest.

When I told you about the issues with the neighbors and what happened, you said you had to report the abuse because I shared it with you.

This probably is stupid but it feels like that.

I so don’t belong here.

It’s been my while life.

What happens at Home stays at home.

Yeah right.

That’s bondage.

People really do have happy family lives. Right?

I don’t know that.

I wish I did.

I think I’ll keep it to myself.

It’s scary to have to be that way.

Dear MC,
Please write back and say we can schedule a phone call, even if it's not till 2 weeks from now. I know you usually just randomly call, but I want to be prepared for this one. And also to know how much time we'd have, even if it's just like 15 minutes. More like a session, in other words (wish I could have that individually with you, but not bothering to ask to avoid the rejection...) And I know you might just say we can talk about it Monday with H, but...I think I could feel more open and honest with you on the phone, without H sitting there. Particularly around using the L-word. I mean, maybe we could touch on transference stuff, since we were supposed to talk about what it was like for it to fade, but, well...guess it's pretty clear that isn't the case so much anymore. So, yeah, let's schedule something (I'll even pay if need be, if that could guarantee a certain time period, like T's model).
Love,
LT

Hi T,

You seemed seriously worried/ concerned at the end of our session.

What did I say to make you worried?

Thx for being there for me...

Me

Oh R,

Why am I evasive and avoidant, even in the one space where I know I can say whatever I need to? 'We both know what it's punctuated by...'

Well, maybe we do, but 'in order to slay the demon, you must first speak its name' (Pratchett, I think...) Last time I spoke the name, my friend made me jump out of my skin with her exuberant celebration. I don't want you to go that far...but please help me say what I couldn't say six years ago, and let this out...God knows I need to.

Also...your remark about my having the skills for self reflection? Scared me to death. Felt kind of like a pre-emptive goodbye. Hope not.

See you next week, hopefully both of us will have recovered from our respective illnesses.

Lost
x

respond already, ok.

Thank you.

Today is 3 weeks since we talked last. I'm trying not to think about just not coming back. It feels disrespectful to want to do that after i said I wouldn't.

I really should just call you already....

Who dresses you? You look like the result of a closet exploding! But I like eccentrics, so all's cool.