[ovid]

Hi all, first post but always around reading you all...

I've been seeing t for 2 years. not much older than me. we've both acknowlegded our chemistry as friends and how it would have been nice to meet under other circumstances, but here we are and so it will be.

but, as we get into trauma stuff.....i can't do it. i want her to hug as a friend would and console as a friend would i want to keep it together.....she likes me and i often wonder if she has crossed boundaires (not sexually) with me too much to make me see her as a therapist anymore. i mean we only see eachother at the office but i know a lot (imo) anout her and she call me her favorite sometimes......does this seem ok? as i like to hear about her life because i'd love to be friends with her, i don't feel the psychotherapist when i am supposed to and i am screwing up the process but don't want to leave. I should have picked someone else when we hit it off right away from the get go....

just maybe some thoughts would be nice, i know i haven't gotten too specific here, but how to go from friend to therapist?

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ovid said:
i am screwing up the process but don't want to leave.

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Alright, there is something really, really important that you need to know. You are not screwing up the process. It is up to the therapist to set and maintain the boundaries and to guide the client into maintaining the appropriate boundaries as well. This is not your fault. You did not force her to reveal information about herself-- that was her choice.

You also mentioned that you want to 'console as a friend would'-- is she telling you about her traumatic experiences? Its just that you shouldn't have to feel responsible for your therapist's feelings in regards to her traumas. It is fine for a T to self disclose if it going to benefit the client therapeutically, but in your case it sounds as though it's just mixing up the feelings... the focus should always be on you.

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I should have picked someone else when we hit it off right away from the get go....

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Again, don't blame yourself. Why would anyone pick someone else if they connected with a therapist right from the start? That's a beautiful thing... unfortunately it got a bit lost in the process.

Have you ever talked to her about this?

Or do you believe it has gone to far to be able to work together as therapist-client?

[ovid]

Hi Pink...thanks for responding!
Well, yea, i see what you mean about her setting boundaries but she self discloses minially unless i ask. and i do. everything i've ever asked, shes answered and i've asked a lot, even personal stuff. i guess i keep asking because i get surprised when she never puts a halt to it. although she waits for my questions, there seems to be nothing off limits and she engages in similar things i like and we talk a lot about that.

while i like this, i also dislike this. I know i am floundering between what do i want etc, but i keep 'testing' her i think subconcsiously and 'pushing' with the questions, but she's happy to oblige and when i read about other ts on here i think, wow mine is super open to me and has said things to me i don't think other ts would.

I don;t want to console her, but i feel like the consolation from a friend would be different than one from a therapist, so while we get along and the friend thing feels right, i feel like she "switches" in and out of modes and i'm not sure which mode i want for her to be.....my friend or my t.

we have always been open to expressing our thoughts/feelings for one another and discussing it in session (always my favorite topic-transference probably ha!) and i have been very clear with her that i struggle with boundaries around friendships (not lovers for some reason) and that i continue still to struggle with this, with her.

i am hoping because she knows i have the boundary issues, she's doing this on purpose, for the good of me as i don't feel yet exploited. but what if she doesn't have a master plan and i am on and aimless road? i don't know if its gone too far, i know i still want to see her, but i am hyper critical of her and she seems to not be able to win with me either way.

i thought my T would be austere and i wouldn't "like" her so much! maybe our so called "boundary crossings" are relatively minor and i trust she isn't misusing it, but i am really suprised how far, and how different it is from others' when i read their posts here. i know all ts are different, but i am in compare mode.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Ovid,

I'm a little confused about what you consider personal stuff.
I know some things about my T also. Actually I know a fair amount. And we know some people in common. But I consider him my T first. I definitely would not be happy if I felt like our relationship was a friendship first, it would be too weird.

If you feel so close to her, can't you just ask her about this? Can't you tell her you feel like the therapeutic relationship has been affected by her disclosures? At least if you feel the need to change, you will be able to resolve this.

[sunrise]

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ovid said:
I should have picked someone else when we hit it off right away from the get go....

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ovid, I don't agree. It is a wonderful thing when a person "clicks" with their therapist right from the beginning.

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i am screwing up the process but don't want to leave

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You are not screwing up the process. Sometimes the relationship with the therapist is so special and so close that it is easy to get confused. It is a relationship unlike any we have had in our lives before. Can you share your confusion with your T?

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i don't feel the psychotherapist when i am supposed to

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Could it be that your T may has no idea you don't view her as only a therapist anymore? I hope you can tell her.

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i often wonder if she has crossed boundaires (not sexually) with me too much to make me see her as a therapist anymore. i mean we only see eachother at the office but i know a lot (imo) anout her and she call me her favorite sometimes

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What boundaries has she crossed? For what it's worth, many therapists self disclose, and it can be very therapeutic. My therapist self discloses all the time--I asked him to early on. It is part of our therapy. Nothing inappropriate has happened because of this; it has strengthened our therapeutic relationship. On the other hand, I'm not so sure a T telling a client that they are the favorite is helpful. (My T has told me he loves our time together, but for all I know, he loves his time together with his other clients too. I find it enough to know how he feels about me.)

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there seems to be nothing off limits and she engages in similar things i like and we talk a lot about that.

while i like this, i also dislike this.

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You do indeed sound like you are testing her. What is it about her response that you don't like? Can you discuss that with her? My T often says I need to tell him what I want and need. Maybe you need your T to be less self disclosing. She can't know unless you tell her. If you keep asking her for information about her life, she will think you want to know. Be straight with her!

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i feel like she "switches" in and out of modes

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My T plays a dual (professional) role for me, and sometimes I get tired of the non-T role. I have told him before, "I need you to be my therapist today" and he was able to oblige with no problem. It is a way of telling him I am especially needy, I think, and please don't switch out of that role today. Can you bring to your T's attention that she seems to be switching in and out of modes? Maybe she doesn't know?

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but what if she doesn't have a master plan and i am on and aimless road?

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Would it help to have a session where you focus on goal-setting? Those can be really useful. (although I never do them myself, lol)

ovid, I think the most important thing is that you share your concerns with your T so she has a chance to work on this with you.