Almost - Getting Closer

The stress has been mounting at work and home lately - getting worse actually. I haven't seen my T in almost 3 weeks - it's really getting to me.

For the last two days, I've had the distinct privilege of being hurt by my husband - verbally and physically..........all because I couldn't buy him a pack of cigs, so obviously I must not care about the pain he is in.........blah, blah.

Work has been way too much drama also. Tonight I realized how little people in 3D care. I'm nice and helpful to the employees, I get screwed over. I bend over backwards to keep my husband happy and drain my bank accounts down to nothing just to keep him calm - but it is never good enough for anyone.

I sat at work tonight realizing how alone I am. Got really depressed. Called my T because I was sitting there with a whole bottle of pills ready to take them (he wasn't aware of that). He did notice that my speech sounded like I was tired - I had taken about 5 already and was really not all there.

As he told me I can either keep complaining about how I am treated (which is my own fault, I guess) or do something about it. Maybe calling him was a bad idea...........[sigh].

I really sat and looked at those pills - for quite awhile, debating what to do. Know what stopped me? I knew I had to do inventory tonight - took me till 3am to get it done. How stupid is that??? I can't end my life because I have to finish counting stuff. That's pathetic.

It is now about 5am here.........haven't slept yet. Have to get up in 2 hours to get Alex off to school, then sleep for awhile and start all over again.

I am so tired of being alone.

Mary Alice

(((((Mary Alice)))))))

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. It's so hard to keep going sometimes, isn't it? BUT - you have to keep going. Why? Because, believe it or not, people WILL miss you. It may feel like it, but you're not alone. I'm sorry that your husband has treated you shabbily over a pack of cigarettes. Why are you staying with him?

I'm sorry about work, too. Trust me when I say we've all been there. There's an *** in every company, and an *** will bother you at least every 10 minutes if you work in anything like retail. You really can't get away from them. What you have to change is your perspective on these jerks. Say to yourself, "Hey, I know I did a good job. The hell with the rest of these yahoos." The fact that you were up till 3am working on inventory shows your dedication and hard work. Not many other people would do that.

You sound like you need some serious alone time away from work and your husband. Try finding an hour or so a day, or even just a few minutes where you can be alone with your thoughts where no one is demanding ANYTHING from you. Go to the library and read a book on the way home from work. Even just taking the long way home and driving around can be very head-clearing. Yell about your stupid co-workers and even dumber clients. I do this every day now so that I don't end up losing my temper to this one complete ***** I work with. Works great! I say everything to myself that I'd say to her, complete with swearing. Helps me get over the initial anger and frustration.

Don't do anything to yourself, hon. We all love you here and I'm sure every last one of us wishes right now that we could put our arms through the screen and give you a great big hug.

You are not alone.

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Awww sweetie......are you ok? That jerk of a thing that you are married to (I won't even call him man)....can you get to a shelter with Alex? Please hun....think about it ok? I know how hard it is.....I was in the same boat as you and I know you can do it. It has to be better.....I know how afraid you are of this step but I think it is one thing you have to do now hun. This abuse has to stop.

I am assuming your T knows about this abuse from the jerk? Is there anything he can do from his end?

I feel so helpless Mary Alice.....you deserve so much more and like Anna said....I wish I could reach through this screen and help you.

You are definitely not alone......your sis is here for you always.




Heather

<font color=purple>((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))</font color=purple>

I'm glad that you didn't take those pills, for whatever reason. You don't deserve to have every chance of happiness ended that way, and Alex doesn't deserve to lose you. The problems that you're having at work and with that jerk of a husband don't have to be permanent problems.

I think you should call your t again today and tell him how close a call you had. I know that you're probably afraid of going back into the hospital, but even if he does put you in there I think that the break from everything would do you a lot of good.

Is there any way that you can leave the jerk? Getting rid of him would make things soooo much better for you and Alex.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I wish that I could put my arms through the screen and give you a big hug too. And that I could make things better for you. It is not your fault that your husband abuses you and that things are bad at work, but that doesn't mean that you are powerless to change things. From where you are it might not look like change is possible, but you should not stay around and be abused, and you also don't have to put up with so much garbage at work. You do work harder than is required of you, and as much as I know that you are driven to be perfect, you're going to burn out if you keep this up, and that doesn't help you or your employer.

Why haven't you seen your T in 3 weeks?

Please take Alex and go to a shelter, or ask your T to help you find some other resources to get you out of the situation you are in. There are people who will help you if you let them.

You know we love you always.

xoxoxooxoxox

I am going to just repeat what everyone else has said. Get out of that house. Take Alex with you and go to a shelter or to your family. No person should ever strike their spouse for any reason. From what I understand it will just get worse until you and your son are in severe danger. Your T is right, you have to make the dicision to get yourself out of this situation. I know you love your husband but please love yourself and your son more. You deserve to be treated well. That has to start with yourself. You have to make sure that you get what you need because no one else will...though your T is trying. So PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get out of there and get somewhere safe.
Worried Sick About You,
Carrie

Hi everyone,

I haven't been able to see my T because the one week he was sick with the flu and my next appt. wasn't for 2 weeks. I finally will get to see him this week, on Wed.

Yes Heather, the thought of change disturbs me greatly. No, I don't like being abused........been there, done that way too many times in the past.

For the record, I am not in love with my husband. I care about him, but anything else he killed off a long time ago. At one time, he was everything to me, but that was 9 years ago.

The one thing that has always been part of me is my honesty. People (supervisors) don't seem to believe in me anymore.

My mood swings are getting worse and more severe. I walked into work today and people just cleared out of my way. Said they were glad they weren't closing with me. [sad]

Since I was so angry today, I called my pdoc to talk about my meds, maybe a change, something. His stupid (and you'll see why I use that word in a sec) put me on hold. I told her how I was feeling - more depressed and then so angry that it feels like I just want to kill somebody (expression, right???).

This person starts asking me if I am going to harm myself, or someone else......who it might be, how they are there for me, etc. etc. I couldn't get a word in edgewise until I finally yelled, "excuse me" into the phone. I told her I was just kidding, just an expression, that I would never hurt someone else.

She blissfully ignored what I said, and continued on her little speech about how there was always a doctor on call................... I felt like telling her she was first on my list, but I behaved.

Now I have to see my pdoc on Wed. right before my appt. with my T. What an idiot she is - she pissed me off so badly and treated me like I was a complete psycho or something.

Wendy, I love you - you're always there for me. Carrie, thank you for the concern and the support. You are awesome.

I don't leave because I couldn't deal with the change right now. Long term it would be better, yes. If I had a definite place set-up and everything all ready so all I had to do was just get in my car and go...........I would. Right now with my issues at work and home plus the mood swings, I simply can't deal with it. He has never harmed Alex physically - if he had, I would be in jail, guaranteed.

I sit here at the computer and can't be still. I feel so restless it drives me batty. The brain won't turn off. I called my T today also and he never returned my call.

I have a meeting Wed. with the DM (District Manager) and my supervisor and the other manager - an open discussion type meeting about things. I have to leave early for my appts and he won't be happy about it. Because of all the issues going on at the store, he will be around alot.

I work in a restaurant, Anna. (Hint: my little animal under my name..... ) I've managed retail, restaurants, convenience stores and liquor stores. It is very draining at times. The only peace I have is when everyone is gone and I'm there alone with my paperwork.

I've considered a stay in the hospital, but can't do it financially. I have to be working to pay the bills. I almost had to borrow $5 from my boss just to buy milk and give him gas money........fortunately he found a way to get some cash and now he's happy ( oh joy ).

I just want to sleep, and sleep.

Thanks to everyone for answering my post - I know you all care..........

I work in a restaurant, Anna. (Hint: my little animal under my name..... ) I've managed retail, restaurants, convenience stores and liquor stores. It is very draining at times. The only peace I have is when everyone is gone and I'm there alone with my paperwork.

I used to be a supervisor at Starbucks a long time ago. I hated the business - way too many irritating idiots!

Quiet is the reason that I go into the office on the weekends now. It's the only time I can get work done without someone's petty office drama getting in my way or the phone ringing constantly. It's actually very soothing to do paperwork and such in the quiet. I think I'm just weird.


some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

I like working by myself as well. The other girls can't stand working at Guineveres and Pen & Parchment because we work those stores all by our lonesome. I love working them. I can get my book work done and not be bothered with small talk and gossip. Unfortunately I am scheduled to work in the main store most of next month. I am sure the other gals will be more then willing to switch with me though. I try not to switch to often because I know that I must work on my social/people skills if I am going to learn to relate/connect but being alone is so much easier. Sigh.

I totally understand the issues with change. Been there. I wanted to leave so badly but couldn't becuase was afraid of change and the what if and so forth. It is hard. Only you can decide what is best. Just know we worry about you, love.
Take care,
Carrie

Hey darling! It's me. I haven't been around much lately, and not for very good reasons. I was maybe hoping that since the last posts I had read from you were sounding somewhat optimistic, you were feeling better. I really do hopw everything's ok with you. I can't express how much I know exactly what you're feeling and where you are. I just got home today from a stay in the Psych ward because of an overdose that landed me in the emergency room. I was there for about 7 days. I wish so much I could say that hospitilization is the answer, but it's not, it's only good at keeping one from immediate danger. You mentioned that it was too expensive and such for you to consider a stay in the hospital, and I can only imagine what stress that only adds to everything else that is going on with you. If you need *anything* you have a friend in me, because I have been and am there in the same little sinking boat as you. Feel free to use me as a floatie : ). Again, I wish you the best and look forward to hearing from you sweetie.
*Hugs*
-Kelly-

I am so happy to see you Kelly...........missed you. The boat just doesn't work right without my partner in it.

I'm sorry that happened to you - and I do realize that it just helps with the immediate, not long term. They have put me on a mood stabilizer med in addition to the Lexapro........doesn't stop my thoughts, or wishes - but at least I don't go off on anyone and can control the mood swings better.

The same goes for you, and you may need to vent more than I - PM me anytime you want.......the door is always open for you.

hehe I missed you to! It definately isn't the same without you. What mood stabalizer have they put you on? My Pdoc has been doing the same with me, since Nov. I've been on trileptal to stabalize mood swings and stop my mind from racing away from me with all my destructive thoughts, but it never really did anything for me. I got up to 1200mg a day, and all it ever seemed to do is make me feel fuzzy in a totally bad way. He even added Abilify to help me with all the dissassociation I experience where I lose entire days at a time. But to no avail. In the hospital the Pdoc there took me off of everything but my effexor xr and added trezadone. blech. No one understands what's wrong with me. But I hope the mood stabalizer road works for you darling. I'll definately keep in touch with you sugardumplin : )

-kelly-

I'm on Lexapro and Lamictal...........they are working very well. The Lamictal is only 50mg right now, but every week it goes up till I reach 200mg.

I was on Effexor before and it just didn't work for me either.

xoxoxo

How is the Lamictal working out for you? I was on Lexapro before, helped mildly, then stopped entirely. So I was moved onto the mother of ADs Effexor XR. I'm taking 150mg daily right now, but I'm spiraling out of control. Now I'm just violently unhappy since all of my mood stabalizers were removed by the *other* doc. And nothing was even offered to me to help my crippling anxiety and panic attacks. Do they not believe me? I just want to give up. I simply want something that will allow me to sleep solid and not wake up in a sweat over and over. Ughh.. But I digress...Back to the Lamictal. Does it seem to control mood swings for you, or keep those lows not quite so low and the highs from turning into frenzy? are you experiencing and weight gain? I know I am in need of a mood stabalizer because I'm freaking out here on 150mg effexor xr and NO mood stabalizer(Just as my Pdoc said I would without one). I'm acting so weird, the dissassociation is getting more prominent. I swear, doctors in Psych Hospitals do not know how to regulate meds. All they know how to do is take you off most of your medications cold-turkey and leave you with a strong AD that is trying to throw me into mania of some form. All the while ignoring my cries for something to rid myself of the anxiety that keeps me locked inside my appartment for days. Sometimes I really wonder how I can let people do this to me. MY main problem is that the doctors keep telling me the effexor will cure my anxiety, but it is only antagonizing it. Its unbearable now. And they gave me ativan a few times while in the hospital to help ease the anxiety and panic attacks, and it helped me so much that I almost felt normal. Why cant I have some of this now. I don't want to get back to where I was a week ago. blahblahblah

((((Mary Alice))))))---- I truly do appologize for my ranting, its jsut hard to hold things back that irk me to the core.
Just know that I'm here, rowing beside you no matter what : P

*hugs and kisses*

-Kelly-

Hi Kelly,

I was on Effexor XR for about a month this fall. It made my depression worse and also I had really terrible anxiety symptoms on it, and anxiety isn't usually a big problem with me. If you're feeling noticeably worse, I hope you'll talk with your doctors about it. It can be a side effect of the Effexor. I started feeling better within a few days of going off it. I know from what you've written that there may be other issues involved, but it may be worth checking with your doctors about this.

I was on regular Effexor in the past and had bad experiences with it as well, but somehow it was worse on the Effexor XR - not sure of all the reasons why.

Take care,
ErinBear

I have taken Lamictal 200mgs per day for almost 2 years, after had being on so many different meds and combos, it has helped me tremendously
It is good that you doc is titrating slowly till you get to 200mgs., you may find after it is at it's full dose you may not even need Lexapro along with it anymore, but that all depends on how it all affects you.
Just sticking my 2 cents in, to tell you my success with Lamictal, I wish you lots of love and luck with things

DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

DE.............***************hugs**********************

I went to see this other doc and when he suggested lowering my Lexapro dosage I got a little upset with him. He said I may not need such a high mg either. Hmmmmmm, we'll see - I don't trust him that much yet. He's actually my husband's pdoc.

xoxoxoxoxo

Comment anytime you wish - I appreciate your input.

{{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

The Lamictal is working well actually. It helps me have less severe mood swings - the ones I do have I can control better so I don't get hysterical or out of control. I haven't called or emailed my T in about 2 weeks - he must not mind since he hasn't even tried to check on me.......that depresses me.

I have noticed my appetite increase somewhat, which is bothering me. I am going to have to watch that and stop it before I gain.

The Lamictal helps me sleep as well - this week I am on 100mg. per day. By tomorrow I will be so incredibly tired.......for about 2 days, then it stabilizes for me and I can get up easier.

I'm sorry that they are doing that to you - taking away what works is ridiculous. Hey, you are more than welcome to vent anytime with me, I hope you realize that. Just please don't abandon the boat, okay?

xoxoxo

It hasn't increased my appetite, which most meds have done while being on them, maybe for you it is just the initial dosing, I have been on 200mgs for almost 2 years.
But I did have my thyroid re-checked after weaning off Lithium (is a wonderful med for mania) and it did show underactive.
Between being on thyroid (synthroid) and Lamictal I feel 100 percent better, just dealing with family situations (long story) is still the problem, but as far as myself I am functioning, even laughing and smiling more
Now if you want to know what made me get fat fast was, Depakote, was on it for a year and had gained nearly 30 lbs., lost 20 over the 2 years of being on Lamictal.
Give it awhile, the drowsiness doesn't linger much at all, though again I realize meds affect everyone different.
In fact Lamictal and when I was on Lithobid, I was able to drive and stuff without falling asleep, where Depakote caused me 3 times to fall asleep at the wheel, so I told my pdoc I no longer wished to use it.
Lithium and Depakote do require periodic blood tests to be assured liver, kidney, and thyroid function are not being jeapordized, the Depakote blood monitoring I had was once a month for (liver) function, with the Lithobid it was every 3 months after first being put on it it was once a month and then just every 3 to 6 months, not bad, beats every month.
Give the Lamictal time, it is good too cause I was able to stop Celexa, Lamitcal addresses the depression part of bipolar than the others while still being a mood stabilizer.
Now that I chewed your ear off, I'll step down from my soapbox and send you my good wishes
Take care,
DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

DE, thank you for the info. Today is the day it hit me with the sleepiness, right when I have to put in a 14+ hours at work.

I always love to hear from you. xoxoxoxo

Mary Alice

<3 Mary Alice<3
I'm so glad the Lamictal is working for you. From where I am I find it a miracle if anything works for anyone. Maybe I should talk to my doc about it, because the effexor alone isn't doing much except keeping me awake all night. *sigh* I'm sorry that your T hasn't called you, but you know that everyone here cares for and love you very much . I'm becoming quite disenchanted with the whole medication thing. I feel like everyone I talk to is a brick wall, who interprets things that I say and feel as something completely different. I tell you, thre's nothing more frustrating than being misunderstood. One big hinderance as far as what my doc can prescribe me is the fact that I absolutely refuse to take anything that will make me gain even an ounce. Which is probably ridiculious because I'm borderline underweight technically. But that's a whole different story. I'm trying to hang in there and keep rowing, but as I'm sure you know, the lure of the water is often very enticing. Hope you are well hun
<3
Kelly

Her Erin,
I'm quite relieved that I amo not the only person who feels either unaffected or made to feel worse by the effexor, since apparently it's been deemed the new 'prozac with a punch'. I've actually had doctors ask my if I was suicidally depressed on tyhe pure basis that I was on effexor (since it is apparently such a potent AD) I'm still taking it though. It's so much worse when I don't take it, as I'm sure you've found out yourself. Thanks for the info hun, and I hope you have found something that helps you

Hi poptardqueen,

Actually, in my case, I am better off not taking Effexor. It was that bad for me. And no, I haven't found any medication that works for me...but I know medications do work for a lot of people, and I'm really glad that they do! I know they can be great sources of help. Anyway, hang in there and best wishes....

Take care,
ErinBear