[SarahSweden]

After therapy sessions and also after meetings with other health staff where I get counselling or similar I rather often ruminate about things I feel were perhaps a bit silly, too emotional, too caring to say or do.

As an example I´ve now had the last session before Christmas and me and my therapist are going to have a break for some weeks. I was in a sad mode because of other things and at the end when saying goodbye, I almost started to cry, I think it showed just before I said goodbye and left.

Now I ruminate about it a lot! I really didn´t want to show such emotions as my therapist isn´t important to such an extent that it was that emotional to me to leave for our Christmas break. I really hate when such things happen and I´m not thinking of telling her or anything but to me I can ruminate on such a thing for weeks.

Another example was when I had my last session before Christmas with my psychiatric nurse and she initiated a hug which I appreciate very much but I think that I perhaps said too much when I wished her a very nice Christmas and New years Eve. She didn´t mention Christmas or New Years Eve to me and I now think that perhaps this was too personal. I mean, I don´t know her personal situation, she might not celebrate Christmas or she has a sick husband to look after or similar.

I ruminate about such things very much as I don´t want anything to be questionable, too emotional or too personal when it comes to therapists and others that I don´t really know anything about.

Can anyone relate to this?

[Fernwehxx]

I think about what I said and didnt say a lot. A lot if times I dont like hiw strongly I react to things sometimes. It leaves me feeling bad fir abling time. Or, I kick,my butt that I didnt say what I should have said.
I don't show emotions a lot, and when some slip out, I wobder if I am too intense.

In general, I think too much, which is part of my issue. Lol

[fille_folle]

I obsess over what I said and didn't say, and what my T might have thought. I start thinking really irrational, baseless, and dramatic things. The thoughts just pop into my head. T must hate me, T thinks I'm crazy, T knows what a horrible person I am now, etc.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

I usually write down everything I remember after a session. That way, I don't keep thinking about it, and, therefore, mostly do not get obsessed about what I could have said or not said. I also don't struggle with not bringing up issues.

If I ever happen to either think a whole lot about a certain thing or wanted to bring something else up, I write it down for next session, and depending on how I feel at that point about the topic, I will bring it up then.

That way I never really have my head circling around something constantly.

[DP_2017]

I have anxiety, of course I do! LOL

[HALLIEBETH87]

I thought I was the only person who did this!

[Anastasia~]

Yes, absolutely! I react this way because of my social anxiety/phobia. It can be disconcerting and painful. I try to do this to distract myself, like doing a puzzle, looking at youtube videos, reading and so forth. It helps, but I wish I could get totally rid of it. Sorry you have to deal with this, also.

[nottrustin]

I do this frequently. If I can't let it go I email her because it can consume me.

yes. i even ruminate about what i say on a 2 minute phone call to schedule - like earlier this evening - what on earth made her ask if i needed to see her today? i think i sound particularly well right now. but now i'm second-guessing myself and playing the very short conversation over and over in my head and feeling stupid for calling.

[kecanoe]

Originally Posted by ArtieSwimsOn

yes. i even ruminate about what i say on a 2 minute phone call to schedule - like earlier this evening - what on earth made her ask if i needed to see her today? i think i sound particularly well right now. but now i'm second-guessing myself and playing the very short conversation over and over in my head and feeling stupid for calling.

I think she was just being kind. She has no clue where you are at, and if you need to see her, she would try to make it happen. There might have been times in the past where you called needing or wanting to get in that day.

She likes you, remember? She might even have hoped that you would want to come in right away.

[mostlylurking]

[ETA: Sorry, not trying to hijack this thread, just wanted to give an example that might be useful?, about seemingly confusing or unwarranted emotions.]

Hi Sarah, I know it's not exactly what you were asking, but the last time I saw my T I also got emotional about having to leave. Quite emotional -- I cried several times, even though I'm seeing him next week as usual! It may have seemed a bit silly or I might have felt embarrassed but I've had this happen before. I was able to admit that it was because I was going to have to leave.

He pointed out that I had been discussing some harmful things that my parents didn't know were going on when I was a teenager, and I probably had wished that I had had a caring adult to help me. The fact that he was going to be unreachable for a few days (due to a retreat) was perhaps making me feel like no caretaking adult would be available for my younger self. So his impending absence was pulling up those feelings of being alone and a bit overwhelmed, that I had perhaps had as a kid.

All of this made a ton of sense! I did feel very young and needy. As a teenager I probably did feel a bit bereft. But if I had covered up my emotions, tried to hide them or made an excuse about them, he and I would never have had this insight. It can be really hard to just let emotions come out, especially when they seem to make no sense, but often you can figure out their real origins and that's incredibly helpful.

Like you I do tend to ruminate, and I intellectualize also as a kind of defense mechanism (it distances me from emotions). If rational thought could solve all one's psychological issues I'd never have needed therapy, but alas, it doesn't work that way. Our emotions are valid, and if they seem irrational or unwarranted, it's because they aren't truly about the surface of things, they are tapping into something beneath the surface. It can be so valuable to just let them come out, and explore what they might really be about. I think you've felt in the recent past like your therapy had stagnated, and maybe it could get things started again if you explored some of your emotional or personal feelings? I make this suggestion out of personal experience. I hated having feelings I could not rationally explain, but letting them come out has been the most useful part of therapy for me.

[MessyD]

I tend to ruminate in general. Might be one of the reasons I don't talk much. But then I ruminate about not talking. In a therapy setting I usually ruminate more about what I didn't say. At this point I'd like to be able to tell my T things that bother me so when I don't I will think it wasn't productive. I want that to be the place where I can say what I need to say and I think he is the person I can do that with, so even if it's something awkward or embarrassing I try to tell myself he probably doesn't see it that way. I know, easier said that done. But every piece tells them more about ourselves.

[Searching4meaning]

I ruminate in general as well, and particularly about session conversations with my T. What he said, what i said, did i really re-word it and not hear/say it that way when relating it to my T? Usually the rumination itself becomes the start of the next session (I go 2x per week) so, it is like the conversation is happening most days. Makes me feel connected to T, even if not very connected to me, myself and I if that makes sense. T's version of me is still one that parts of me detest, am angry with...but it is a me i recognize anyway, even if i wish i could erase it and start again with some other me.
Thanks for starting this thread. Hugs too!

[LonesomeTonight]

I ruminate both about T sessions and also just about general conversations with people. Like if I have lunch with a friend, later I'm often thinking, "Oh no, did I talk about myself too much? Did I dwell on a certain topic for too long? Ugh, I forgot to ask her about her upcoming vacation. Did I bore her? Is that why she only stayed an hour and a half?" The joys of anxiety and OCD...

With T (or MC), I tend to think about what I meant to bring up but didn't, or that I should have mentioned something while we were talking about a particular topic. Or I worry I said too much or seemed too needy--this was particularly an issue for me in my third session with new T. I really opened up to him about some stuff (mostly involving the transference for my marriage counselor and things related to that) and I cried for the first time in front of him. Afterward, I was thinking, "Oh no, he's going to be freaked out by me, worried I'll attach to him in that way, think I shared too much too soon." I e-mailed him about it, and his response didn't seem to really address what was bothering me. But I explained next session, and then he seemed to get it. At the end of that session, he said, "Nothing you said today makes me not want to keep working with you. Unless I'm hit by a bus or trapped under something heavy in the basement, I'll be here for our appointment next week." And he's said similar things after other appointments, or when he opted not to shake my hand because I was getting over a cold, he said, "That's the only reason I'm not shaking your hand." So he realizes now that I sometimes need what MC has called "preemptive reassurance." Especially important with T because he has restrictions around e-mailing, like he charges for ones over a certain length--which I think is helping me better learn to sit with the anxiety, just telling myself "He still scheduled me for next week and shook my hand. It's OK. He's not trying to get rid of me."

[mostlylurking]

I used to ruminate about every social interaction, it is exhausting! I'm not a huge fan of CBT but I did find the CBT self help book "Feeling Good" to be a bit useful with my social anxieties.

The only thing that saves me ruminating about the last session too much is that the second I'm walking out of my T's office I start ruminating about what to say next session! I ruminate about that all week.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

I used to ruminate about every social interaction, it is exhausting! I'm not a huge fan of CBT but I did find the CBT self help book "Feeling Good" to be a bit useful with my social anxieties.

The only thing that saves me ruminating about the last session too much is that the second I'm walking out of my T's office I start ruminating about what to say next session! I ruminate about that all week.

OK, that's kinda funny because my T recommended that exact book to me a few weeks ago, so I ordered it. Thanks for the reminder to get back to reading it! (I'm maybe 1/8 of the way through--thick book!) Good to know it helped you...

[CepheidVariable]

I suffer from big rumination problems. It's not as bad with regard to the therapy as some other things, but still, the following helps me.

If something is bothering me about a session, I'll jot down quick notes. I can then review my notes before the next session and see if it's still bothering me, and if I want to bring it up. It often helps me put it aside in the mean time. (I guess in part because that's what therapy is for, and they have to put up with it. So I know I can try to get it sorted at that time -- decision made, that's done. Find something else to fret about. )

I have a small, pocket notepad I use for therapy notes and ideas. I don't like to waste time in limited/expensive sessions or potentially forget things and then kick myself because it's another two weeks before I get another chance to deal with it.

When I go into a session, I can review any notes and decide on priorities and if I even want to deal with certain things at all at that time. And knowing that it won't slip between the cracks, because I've made note of it helps me not stress about it.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

I usually think about T's responses to what I said, and I also think about what I want to ask/discuss during our next visit.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for sharing. As you feeling needy is one of the reasons I ruminate about therapy sessions and often I feel I shouldn´t let a therapist or another health carer become so important to me that it for example feels difficult to leave.

I agree it's helpful to talk things through about feelings and why leaving a session (or another situation) makes one feel sad or similar. But in this case with the therapist this thread is about I don´t know if she works with such therapy methods at all. I could for sure mention how I felt to her but I don´t think she would be able to support me or that she could meet me on a deeper level.

What I mean is that it´s not of so much use just telling a therapist how I felt if he or she can´t respond in a proper way and work on it.

Originally Posted by mostlylurking

[ETA: Sorry, not trying to hijack this thread, just wanted to give an example that might be useful?, about seemingly confusing or unwarranted emotions.]

Hi Sarah, I know it's not exactly what you were asking, but the last time I saw my T I also got emotional about having to leave. Quite emotional -- I cried several times, even though I'm seeing him next week as usual! It may have seemed a bit silly or I might have felt embarrassed but I've had this happen before. I was able to admit that it was because I was going to have to leave.

He pointed out that I had been discussing some harmful things that my parents didn't know were going on when I was a teenager, and I probably had wished that I had had a caring adult to help me. The fact that he was going to be unreachable for a few days (due to a retreat) was perhaps making me feel like no caretaking adult would be available for my younger self. So his impending absence was pulling up those feelings of being alone and a bit overwhelmed, that I had perhaps had as a kid.

All of this made a ton of sense! I did feel very young and needy. As a teenager I probably did feel a bit bereft. But if I had covered up my emotions, tried to hide them or made an excuse about them, he and I would never have had this insight. It can be really hard to just let emotions come out, especially when they seem to make no sense, but often you can figure out their real origins and that's incredibly helpful.

Like you I do tend to ruminate, and I intellectualize also as a kind of defense mechanism (it distances me from emotions). If rational thought could solve all one's psychological issues I'd never have needed therapy, but alas, it doesn't work that way. Our emotions are valid, and if they seem irrational or unwarranted, it's because they aren't truly about the surface of things, they are tapping into something beneath the surface. It can be so valuable to just let them come out, and explore what they might really be about. I think you've felt in the recent past like your therapy had stagnated, and maybe it could get things started again if you explored some of your emotional or personal feelings? I make this suggestion out of personal experience. I hated having feelings I could not rationally explain, but letting them come out has been the most useful part of therapy for me.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I can relate very much to what you say about meeting with a friend and afterwards situations during that meeting, a dinner or similar, pop up in my head and I feel I acted stupid in one way or another. Probably without the other person thinking that I actually did act stupid.

I think it´s very good to ask a therapist directly if he or she hesitates about seeing you if that´s a question you often ruminate about. I wonder about this as well as I have experiences with health care staff/counsellors that let me see them but at the same time thought negative about me.

I also think there´s a big difference between therapists where some look upon therapy more like coaching or just enhancing life a bit, not being aware how the client feels about the therapeutic relationship. Then there are therapists who realise that many clients have fear about being abandoned, ridiculed and such and who understand it can be important to the client with reassurance around the relationship. My experience is that the latter ones are a minority.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I ruminate both about T sessions and also just about general conversations with people. Like if I have lunch with a friend, later I'm often thinking, "Oh no, did I talk about myself too much? Did I dwell on a certain topic for too long? Ugh, I forgot to ask her about her upcoming vacation. Did I bore her? Is that why she only stayed an hour and a half?" The joys of anxiety and OCD...

With T (or MC), I tend to think about what I meant to bring up but didn't, or that I should have mentioned something while we were talking about a particular topic. Or I worry I said too much or seemed too needy--this was particularly an issue for me in my third session with new T. I really opened up to him about some stuff (mostly involving the transference for my marriage counselor and things related to that) and I cried for the first time in front of him. Afterward, I was thinking, "Oh no, he's going to be freaked out by me, worried I'll attach to him in that way, think I shared too much too soon." I e-mailed him about it, and his response didn't seem to really address what was bothering me. But I explained next session, and then he seemed to get it. At the end of that session, he said, "Nothing you said today makes me not want to keep working with you. Unless I'm hit by a bus or trapped under something heavy in the basement, I'll be here for our appointment next week." And he's said similar things after other appointments, or when he opted not to shake my hand because I was getting over a cold, he said, "That's the only reason I'm not shaking your hand." So he realizes now that I sometimes need what MC has called "preemptive reassurance." Especially important with T because he has restrictions around e-mailing, like he charges for ones over a certain length--which I think is helping me better learn to sit with the anxiety, just telling myself "He still scheduled me for next week and shook my hand. It's OK. He's not trying to get rid of me."

[SarahSweden]

Thanks for valuable tips. As you I journal a bit both about what happened in the latest session and what questions or thoughts that brought me. Sometimes I feel what I wrote just a week ago doesn´t feel that acute anymore and sometimes I feel it was a very good thing to have written down and to proceed talking about.

I though seldom feel that the therapist can do much about what I tell them, I have used a lot of written material and even if the therapists and other health care staff have read it they mostly haven´t been able to offer any change. I now mean change about how they meet with me or how they give me support.

But the writings also have other values and that is, as you mention, the feeling that one engages in therapy, not just waiting for the next session to happen.

Originally Posted by CepheidVariable

I suffer from big rumination problems. It's not as bad with regard to the therapy as some other things, but still, the following helps me.

If something is bothering me about a session, I'll jot down quick notes. I can then review my notes before the next session and see if it's still bothering me, and if I want to bring it up. It often helps me put it aside in the mean time. (I guess in part because that's what therapy is for, and they have to put up with it. So I know I can try to get it sorted at that time -- decision made, that's done. Find something else to fret about. )

I have a small, pocket notepad I use for therapy notes and ideas. I don't like to waste time in limited/expensive sessions or potentially forget things and then kick myself because it's another two weeks before I get another chance to deal with it.

When I go into a session, I can review any notes and decide on priorities and if I even want to deal with certain things at all at that time. And knowing that it won't slip between the cracks, because I've made note of it helps me not stress about it.

I used to ruminated about my therapists and therapy a lot only because that was the only thing I was doing in life. They were the only people I had interaction with at times, even if I was silent during sessions. After finding a therapist that was able to plot a course for me and not waffle to give me what she thought I might need to heal did the ruminating decrease. I had to throw caution to the wind and trust her. My ruminating in general did not decrease much because that is how I go about figuring out life in general. Having a life now, I devote my ruminating much less to therapy/therapist, but to so many other things that are able to happen in my life because of therapy. I’m in control of most of my ruminating and know what I need to do if it becomes an issue.