Note: I started writing my feelings in the depression forum, and it became very quickly about therapy and about my therapist, so I'm putting it here.

I need to write this somewhere. It might not make sense, it make be vague. But I need to put this someplace. I can't do this anymore. I have expectations and wishes and maybe they're unfair. I don't think so though. I'm not getting what I need. And I have needs. And I'm sad. And I feel really badly about myself and I don't want to. And I really don't like my therapist. This has been going on for a long time. I think I need to request to see someone else. I don't feel a connection to her. I don't feel like she is helping me anymore. I will of course, have to journal about this, and not make a rash decision. Because she has helped me in the past. But I just really feel like its not productive anymore. I'm not getting better in the ways I want and need to. I still feel like a loser. I haven't ever really felt a connection to her. And I think...I think its hard to talk about some things. And I want to feel safe when I do talk about them. I don't want to feel like the person sitting across from me doesn't care. She expects me to do it all on my own (I do think self sufficiency is important but...). And I think, while I do like her, her style is...not for me. I feel badly about myself around her. I shouldn't have to feel that way around my therapist. Yes, it's true, I loved (not romantically) my previous therapist, but that was a year ago (I had to quit because it was too expensive to see her). I'm going to journal about this. I can't just read a ****ing book on self esteem and feel better. I mean, it will help. But I need a relationship with my therapist that feels good to me.

My main reason for staying with her (I have brought all of the above up to her before, more than once), is this: I don't want to make a mistake, by leaving. I do like her. She *has* helped me. What if the person they put me with is worse? I wonder that maybe its *me,* I mean she means no harm (though that doesn't mean I'm not being harmed anyway), and I have jumped and run from people before in my life (like friends, boyfriends) and I have sometimes regretted it..like they seemed too black and white of decisions that I've made and I want to be able to work *with* people and not just run from them.

[SalingerEsme]

It seems like you gut instinct is speaking really loudly to you and you should listen. Therapy is so much mental and emotional work even with a beloved therapist. With one who doesnt seem to care? Heck, no, and you dont have to justify it. It's okay for your heart to make the decision, and the act of bravery in leaving might lead you to the right T. This is a good time of year to make a change. New business year for the T, new start for you. In your journaling maybe you could identify the characteristics you loved in your past T , and the ones that leave you less than lukewarm in your new one. Maybe this is a "rebound", and you just weren't ready, and you will be now with a new person?

[WarmFuzzySocks]

You're making sense.

It sounds like you're recognizing that what you're doing isn't working for you. You've given it a good try with the therapist and are recognizing that her style isn't a good match for what you need. That's not a good or bad reflection on either of you. It doesn't make you a loser or mean you're running away. It means that you're reflecting on whether your needs are being met and deciding how to make that happen.

[Minnow]

I think many of us have been where you are. You've investing a lot in your current T but you're not seeing the ROI. She's helped but your stuck. You're making sense to me.
Good luck and I wish you the best. I understand how hard these choices are and how hard it is to find the right T. But if you never look?

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by starrysky

My main reason for staying with her (I have brought all of the above up to her before, more than once), is this: I don't want to make a mistake, by leaving. I do like her. She *has* helped me. What if the person they put me with is worse? I wonder that maybe its *me,* I mean she means no harm (though that doesn't mean I'm not being harmed anyway), and I have jumped and run from people before in my life (like friends, boyfriends) and I have sometimes regretted it..like they seemed too black and white of decisions that I've made and I want to be able to work *with* people and not just run from them.

I have been in this exact position with therapists—two of them at least. I ended up leaving in both cases. It was the right decision. Didn’t miss them at all.

I have been in this exact position in two marriages. I ended up leaving in both cases. It was the right decision. Painful, yes, but right.

Like you, I wanted to be able to work *with* people. To say I’m a reasonable person, I’m fair, I’m forgiving.

Life’s too short for that shinola. Trust your instincts. Trust yourself.

Hi Everyone! Wow. I want to thank you all so much. Thank you for telling me to trust my gut instincts and that we are both not bad people, its just the fit that might not be right. I'm going to journal and do a list later of the pros and cons, and also what I actually want and need in a therapist.

[CepheidVariable]

Hey, starry. Fancy meeting you here. I don't drop in here too often.

I would agree with the others. I spent way too long with some therapists (especially the first one), because I thought it was me. That I just needed to try harder, or that I wasn't getting something. Not to project my stuff onto you. But I think there is a reasonable time limit on getting results.

You say you've discussed this with her, so she's had time to try different things? Also, you said you just don't seem to like her anymore. That's a problem, without an easy solution. And it doesn't have to be anyone's fault.

Looking for a new therapist is so hard, yes. Would it be possible to try someone else for a bit and go from there? Maybe taking a break from your current T while doing that, if necessary. But not severing ties completely.

I have self-esteem issues too, and have a hard time making these kinds of decisions. So I do really sympathize.

Thanks Cepheid. And hello

One thing I notice, is that I'll see her, and things will feel better. But I don't know. And things aren't bad all the time. And I know that I can't replicate what I had with my past therapist. But...I will make the list and journal. I still haven't done that.

I don't know if it sounds like I'm being resistant today to everyones suggestions. Because I really appreciated what you guys have to say. I think its just hard to figure out for me, for some reason. But only I can figure it out. I honestly meant to write about something else yesterday...and it turned into total thoughts on therapy. I guess I'm confused today. But its ok.

Thanks again.

[CepheidVariable]

Nah, you don't sound resistant. Everyone finds these things are hard to figure out.

I hope you can sort something out without too much stress. I'll be happy to offer any advice I have, or just listen to you talk it out anytime.

Thanks Ceph. I appreciate that.

I talked to my t last week. Since its at a clinic, and I wanted to keep the door open with her, in case it didn't work out with the next therapist (something I'm scared of..) she had an idea. She is pregnant. And having her baby in March. She said that maybe I could stay with her until she goes on maternity leave. And then try out a new therapist. If I like the therapist, I can stay with them. If not, I can go back to her and start from scratch.

I liked this idea. I was planning on going to therapy today with her....

And I utterly and completely forgot to go.

This has never happened before.

Ever.

I do have a lot on my mind, a lot of goals I want to accomplish... I'm pretty mentally scattered lately, too. It was Christmas, etc. I remembered in the morning. And then went to the gym this afternoon and forgot about going to see her. It wasn't until I took my medication this evening, that I saw what day it was, and was like, oh ****.

I know I posted here and people gave me advice. I appreciated it a lot. I guess I'm still in limbo. I'm also wondering if maybe my subconscious didn't want me to go. Or wants me to call her supervisor anyway, now, and ask for a new t.

I did write the pro's and con's list. And also a list of things I'm looking for in a new t.
I could always explain to her supervisor that I'm concerned about "skipping around" or being seen by her (the supervisor) as "Skipping around" if I don't like the next t. I just can't afford to go anywhere else right now. And I do like it there somewhat. It is better that the other clinics in my area. They are professional.

Originally Posted by starrysky

One thing I notice, is that I'll see her, and things will feel better. But I don't know. And things aren't bad all the time.

I think its just hard to figure out for me, for some reason. But only I can figure it out. I guess I'm confused today.

I feel generally confused about relationships/life/etc all of the time.

Therapy is a big investment (even if your copay is small it adds up over time). If you're not progressing or are just unsure it's worth it--I think it's healthy to want to change T's or take a break. Perhaps you forgot to go because you don't need therapy right now or she is not helping. Or maybe your mental condition plus the fact that Christmas puts everyone's schedules into turmoil made you forget.

It seems like if you still want/need therapy--now would be a good time for a change. With her about to go on maternity leave it might be harder to make progress and you are going to have to make a break from her anyways.

Since you are making a pros and cons list it sounds like you are ready to make that break from her soon. January might be the month--it's that time of year where many of us make changes in our life. Hope it all goes well for you.