As the title says “I don’t wanna go back”. Having three weeks off therapy has been bliss.
I want to actually live my life, not analyse it. I think generally therapy tends to drive me crazy and into a frenzy over my relationship with t. I haven’t missed her but I thought about her a lot. I thought mostly about how my therapy is all about her and how she can be very abusive angry and controlling. I am feeling alive and free and it feels good.

Sounds like therapy was more harmful than helpful for you. I don't blame you for feeling alive and free right now.

IMO, we should always do what's best for ourselves. If therapy is damaging, then it is creating more problems than what we started with, and there is no sense in putting ourselves through that.

If you do need therapy in the future, maybe a different therapist would be better. It sounds like this one is not suited to be a therapist if she's controlling/abusive. In fact, I would recommend reporting her if she truly is that way because she is probably hurting other patients as well.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I am feeling alive and free and it feels good.

That is awesome! That's what therapy is supposed to help get us too. I'd say extend that break until you feel are no longer feeling alive, free, and good. I would agree that sometimes therapy can get too absorbing that we lose some focus as to what else is out there in our lives; what it is that allows us to feel alive.

[cinnamon_roll]

I totally get this, Mona. As you know I stopped going back to my exT about 10 weeks ago. I too enjoy the freedom, the carelessness. I keep wondering whether therapy actually added significantly to my "problem load", because since I left I found myself able and strong enough to deal with the rest. This will probably not last forever, but I'll take it and enjoy it as long as it lasts!

Have you ever tried any "non-verbal" form of therapy? like art therapy or methods focusing on your body and what you're experiencing in your body? I've found that both approaches helped me to improve in a long-lasting and sustainable way. And much more "gentle" because it is not so much about WHAT I've experienced but how, and to somehow reach a place of "integration", without actually having to "repeat" the trauma experiences over and over again.

[Fernwehxx]

If I found my T abusive, I would not go back.

[Out There]

Therapy with this T is clearly not benefiting you , but take it slowly accepting what's happened. Maybe take up something new and creative so you can express yourself ? Maybe a T with another modality and a trauma background would be something to look at. But I know you are very attached to this T - give it time , it will pass , promise.

I want to actually live my life, not analyse it.

Love this mindset. Also the ideas about doing therapy that focuses on creativity or body. That can have the opposite effect of being 'in your head'.

Best of luck.

Well, then don't go back to therapy

[toomanycats]

Then don't go back

[JaneTennison1]

Maybe extend the break and see how you feel then.

[itisnt]

I totally get this. I moved out of state from the T I was working with over a year ago. It was an "okay" relationship with the T I left. I liked her, she was well trained and worked to make the relationship work. She was not abusive, narcissistic or horrible like yours, but I just wasn't feeling as though it served any purpose anymore. I had been going for about a year or so with that T.

After moving, I went to a few appointments with "possible" new Ts and it just wasn't helpful. I found myself tired of talking about my issues, irritated and impatient with the styles of the Ts and so, I just stopped making any more appointments and I stopped looking up possible "new" Ts. I've been out of therapy for a little over a year and I'm happy about my decision. Do I still have problems. Sure. Have I handled them. Yep. Am I thriving? Most days. But then, I think that most humans have their off days, their so/so days, and then a few really really GREAT days. It's okay and it's workable. I wish you good luck with whatever you decide!

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Sounds like therapy was more harmful than helpful for you. I don't blame you for feeling alive and free right now.


IMO, we should always do what's best for ourselves. If therapy is damaging, then it is creating more problems than what we started with, and there is no sense in putting ourselves through that.


If you do need therapy in the future, maybe a different therapist would be better. It sounds like this one is not suited to be a therapist if she's controlling/abusive. In fact, I would recommend reporting her if she truly is that way because she is probably hurting other patients as well.

I am really thinking of reporting her but I am grounding myself right now to be able to get me through this separation. I think reporting her right now would be too overwhelming but I am playing with the idea. Thank you for your response.

Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll

I totally get this, Mona. As you know I stopped going back to my exT about 10 weeks ago. I too enjoy the freedom, the carelessness. I keep wondering whether therapy actually added significantly to my "problem load", because since I left I found myself able and strong enough to deal with the rest. This will probably not last forever, but I'll take it and enjoy it as long as it lasts!

Have you ever tried any "non-verbal" form of therapy? like art therapy or methods focusing on your body and what you're experiencing in your body? I've found that both approaches helped me to improve in a long-lasting and sustainable way. And much more "gentle" because it is not so much about WHAT I've experienced but how, and to somehow reach a place of "integration", without actually having to "repeat" the trauma experiences over and over again.

Sounds like you are doing a great job with our your therapist
It’s hard but I think if we can manage to resist the attachment cries we can get through this.
I have never tried any non verbal therapy and the more I get to know about it the better it sounds.
One of the girls I trained with is a somatic therapist and I was always fascinated by the way she worked, I was really drawn to how gentle it was.
I would like to try something new but I am afraid to try anything to do with therapy just yet. For now I am sticking with yoga 🧘*♀️

Originally Posted by Out There

Therapy with this T is clearly not benefiting you , but take it slowly accepting what's happened. Maybe take up something new and creative so you can express yourself ? Maybe a T with another modality and a trauma background would be something to look at. But I know you are very attached to this T - give it time , it will pass , promise.

I have started painting again and I really feel this is the only safe method I have to really express myself.
Thank you OutThere, I really hope it does pass this time

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I am really thinking of reporting her but I am grounding myself right now to be able to get me through this separation. I think reporting her right now would be too overwhelming but I am playing with the idea. Thank you for your response.

Based on all I know about this story, I agree and would not report her right now either. You said in the OP, mona, that you just feel more free and alive not dealing with her - I would let that continue at least for a while and would not contaminate with the hassle and likely at least somewhat recalled emotional pain associated with the reporting process. I would just focus on your life and see if you still feel motivated to report later.

Originally Posted by itisnt

I totally get this. I moved out of state from the T I was working with over a year ago. It was an "okay" relationship with the T I left. I liked her, she was well trained and worked to make the relationship work. She was not abusive, narcissistic or horrible like yours, but I just wasn't feeling as though it served any purpose anymore. I had been going for about a year or so with that T.


After moving, I went to a few appointments with "possible" new Ts and it just wasn't helpful. I found myself tired of talking about my issues, irritated and impatient with the styles of the Ts and so, I just stopped making any more appointments and I stopped looking up possible "new" Ts. I've been out of therapy for a little over a year and I'm happy about my decision. Do I still have problems. Sure. Have I handled them. Yep. Am I thriving? Most days. But then, I think that most humans have their off days, their so/so days, and then a few really really GREAT days. It's okay and it's workable. I wish you good luck with whatever you decide!

Thank you and it’s really nice to hear that you are thriving not just surviving. Some days will be harder than others but I can hear that it is has been with it for you

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Based on all I know about this story, I agree and would not report her right now either. You said in the OP, mona, that you just feel more free and alive not dealing with her - I would let that continue at least for a while and would not contaminate with the hassle and likely at least somewhat recalled emotional pain associated with the reporting process. I would just focus on your life and see if you still feel motivated to report later.

I think it would be too triggering and I wouldn’t be able to continue with my own clients. It would contaminate everything and I just can’t handle that right now.
I know somebody else reported her and it got thrown out and she was left emotionally vulnerable for a long time.
Thank you for your response Xynesthesia

[Out There]

I think looking after yourself is the best bet for now. Yoga and painting and things like that are good. I took up Tai Chi which is very good for helping with trauma , one of the best things I did.

[cinnamon_roll]

Mona, if you don't want to go back - who (or what inner voice) is telling you that you *should* go back?
Looking after yourself, the yoga and the painting sounds great. Maybe this is the time for self-care and tenderly looking after yourself. And maybe that's "enough" for the time being.

One of the girls I trained with is a somatic therapist and I was always fascinated by the way she worked, I was really drawn to how gentle it was.
I would like to try something new but I am afraid to try anything to do with therapy just yet. For now I am sticking with yoga

My art T was at the same time a somatic experiencing practitioner. Which was wonderful. In a very gentle way she picked up on my bodily expressions. Showed me strategies how to better regulate myself and my emotions, when I#m in distress. In fact I was doing a lot of it already, on a intuitive level. Her poiting those things out to me helped me to actually "register" that there are things that I can do. Simple things. But effective, yet very gentle.

For the time being I'm quite happy without T. Knowing myself, I know that other times will come. And my psychiatrist urges me to at least find a new T and maybe have just monthly sessions, but she wants me to have someone in place, should things get worse again. Because looking for a (new) T when in distress isn't the best place to start and might actually twist my own perception quite a bit...
I know that this makes sense, but for now I just want to enjoy my freedom. I think you should enjoy this too.

love, c_r