[Fernwehxx]

I am curious now.

I am reading so many negative things about therapists here, and while I understand not everyone is in love and attached to their T, I am surprised how many mention a bad relationship and things like T breaks my heart, T hurts me, T made it worse, etc.

I have seen several Ts in my life. Some I worked well with, some not so much. However, I wouldn't have said they were totally unprofessional or did anything to me that was bad.

So, what do you expect from a T to not break your heart, hurt you, etc...?
And I mean more emotionally, so not just something like they need to be professional.... What do you expect from your T emotionally? How much contact do you feel you should get?

[Argonautomobile]

Very little.

If one holds no expectations, one can't ever be hurt or disappointed, right?

My T has suggested this is not an ideal approach to the world. That's fine - I didn't expect he'd agree!

What do you expect from the T, Fernwehxx?

[ElectricManatee]

I expect her to care about me and to want to connect with me emotionally regardless of what state I'm in. (I also expect her to ease off a bit if it's clear that I'm not interested in her closeness right then.)

As far as how much contact I should get, I feel like I should probably get once weekly appointments. So the fact that I get twice weekly appointments and extra phone contact whenever is kind of confusing and upsetting sometimes. I think maybe that's the point, though.

[toomanycats]

I need connection, but I also need my T's emotions to not take up space in a way that takes away from my emotions.
I also need him to be able to handle his own issues separate from me.
I need him to have boundaries that are clear and don't move around or change without both of us discussing and agreeing to the change.
I need him to be aware of his limitations and not overpromise (e.g., "I'll never leave you").

[Fernwehxx]

I expect that she knows what she's doing which means understand mental illness and have the kniwledge to guide me.
I expect that she's professional and reliable.
I expect to be warm, understanding, but also direct.Being approachable helps.
I expect she can solve issues that come up.

I do,not expect her to be there for me all the time, grant me outside contact.
I do,not believe a T want a to hurt me or does that on purpose.
I know they are human, too, and are not perfect.

I have an awesome T, btw, who exceeds my expectations.

I am really wondering where the frustration towards T comea from since I read it here a lot. I mean, why see a T that doeant fulfill our expectations, or even whom we expect something bad from?

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by Fernwehxx

I am really wondering where the frustration towards T comea from since I read it here a lot. I mean, why see a T that doeant fulfill our expectations, or even whom we expect something bad from?

Why does anybody stay in any kind of imperfect relationship?

Maybe they're afraid to leave, afraid they won't do any better, afraid of change. Maybe they have expectations that nobody can meet - or that they think nobody can meet - and so stick with the person who comes closest to meeting them.

Maybe they're too attached to leave. Maybe they keep hoping things will get better. Maybe something else entirely.

I stay because "good enough" is, for me, more preferable than taking the gamble that the next T will turn out to be a total whackjob. And he's on the bus route.

[AllHeart]

I expect my t to be emotionally strong while having an appropriate, balanced level of compassion for me, as needed. Meaning, I don't ever want her to cry with or for me, get all "ooh, you poor thing" kind of sappy, or to be void of any emotion at all.

I expect my t to keep her personal feelings and triggers out of my therapy so she can be there to emotionally support me and help make me more solid. It's my therapy - not hers.

I expect my t to put my emotional well-being first, not her own. By that I mean not using me to fill her own personal needs, not telling me so much of her personal business during session that it takes up more time than my own, not bringing about an outside friendship that effed with my head like no other just for her own personal gain, not be emotionally abusive, etc., like my ex-t. [sorry for the rant!]

As for how much contact I feel I should get, I do not expect any outside contact with my t except for in case of an emergency, scheduling issues, and if I might need quick clarification on something that was brought up during therapy. Anything beyond that is a bonus, not an expectation.

Thankfully, so far current t meets my expectations.

[malika138]

It is true that many on this forum talk about negative reactions with therapists, but isn't one of the goals of this forum to have the safe space to explore that? What I am trying to say is that threads on this forum aren't likely to be representative of all therapeutic relationships.

But to answer the question, I expect a therapist to have the technical skills and training to support me and help me identify triggers.

My T meets my expectations. I feel more stable and able to be healthier with this T.

I expect her to be consistent in how she treats me. That's it. I have no delusions about her actually caring.

Originally Posted by Fernwehxx

I am curious now.

I am reading so many negative things about therapists here, and while I understand not everyone is in love and attached to their T, I am surprised how many mention a bad relationship and things like T breaks my heart, T hurts me, T made it worse, etc.

I have seen several Ts in my life. Some I worked well with, some not so much. However, I wouldn't have said they were totally unprofessional or did anything to me that was bad.

So, what do you expect from a T to not break your heart, hurt you, etc...?
And I mean more emotionally, so not just something like they need to be professional.... What do you expect from your T emotionally? How much contact do you feel you should get?

No one can do these things to you. The broken heart etc has already taken place.
I feel many don't get the work, don't have the ego strength for the work and run beside the work gets finished.

NOT ALL!, there are incompetant/unskilled Therapist.

Thsts a lack of real understanding.

Find a good solid therapy orientation, where a T has done their own intensive therapy. Thsts the key.

And don't take what you read at face value on boards like this.

[annielovesbacon]

I expect my T to care about my wellbeing and safety. I do not expect T to think about me or worry about me outside of our sessions.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

Being consistent and caring. If he were consistently uncaring, I'd not see him. If he would switch up things all the time, change boundaries, react differently to things depending on his mood or something, or if he'd change his opinion on things, I don't think I could trust him.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Fernwehxx

I expect that she knows what she's doing which means understand mental illness and have the kniwledge to guide me.
I expect that she's professional and reliable.
I expect to be warm, understanding, but also direct.Being approachable helps.
I expect she can solve issues that come up.

I do,not expect her to be there for me all the time, grant me outside contact.
I do,not believe a T want a to hurt me or does that on purpose.
I know they are human, too, and are not perfect.

I have an awesome T, btw, who exceeds my expectations.

I am really wondering where the frustration towards T comea from since I read it here a lot. I mean, why see a T that doeant fulfill our expectations, or even whom we expect something bad from?

You’re really wondering? Why? Is it not clear enough?
Many therapists have no ****ing clue what they are doing and therefore they hurt their clients. This forum is FULL of examples of therapist incompetence.
Oh I know people are going to say: well it’s not representative of therapy as a whole blablabla. But how do we know that? We have no idea how representative this forum is (or any other forum for that matter where you can read about the same exact issues).
You have a great therapist: well cool for you I guess. Count your blessings.

As for what I expect: that they listen and remember what I have said. That they don’t brig their expectations or baggage into my therapy. So far none of the therapists I have seen have been capable of that.

[Fernwehxx]

Well, most expectations here are pretty much what I expected (ha!).

I get it. This is a space to vent, and I don't mind. And I know there are Ts out there that aren't good, obviously.

@Myrto, sure, I see that, and I think it's bad, really bad. I just wouldn't stick with such a T if I expected therapy to work.

Plus, I am about to go to school for MHC, so of course I am curious as to what people expect and if it aligns with my own expectations. Thanks for your input, folks.

[MRT6211]

I expect that she won’t hurt me or let me down. I expect her to help me and not patronize me or try to control me. I expect her to be there to help me when I’m struggling. I expect her to exercise kindness and compassion when appropriate, but also to reality check me/call me on my stuff when I’m falling into unhealthy patterns...really to be blunt and truthful. I expect to be able to trust her with my most intimate information.

[starfishing]

I suppose that as far as your second question, "where does the frustration come from," it's about both needs and expectations, the fact that clients and therapists can often have different visions of needs and expectations and how to meet them, the fact that frustration is an inevitable part of life, and the fact that sometimes some therapists don't handle their clients' needs/expectations skillfully or professionally.

Personally, I need my therapist to be smart, compassionate, reliable, and attentive in our sessions. I need him to be unbiased and at least somewhat knowledgeable about the communities I'm a part of. I need him to take responsibility for "meeting me where I am," and for guiding the interaction in a therapeutic direction. I need him to be precise about understanding what I'm saying, and open to being corrected about misunderstandings.

And it's taken a lot of trust-building for me to transform those needs even partially into real, internally felt (albeit still fragile) expectations, because of the number of abysmal past interactions I've had with therapists who treated one or more of those needs as expendable or excessive. Many of us come to expect the same bad interactions we've had in the past, which can make it complicated to reshape things to have better interactions and relationships (which, isn't that the whole project of therapy for so many people?), and therapy relationships are no different in that regard.

In the past, I've continued to see bad therapists because I doubted my own perceptions of the ways they were failing to meet my needs, whether because those failures were somewhat subtle, or because I was blaming myself for "needing too much" when they demonstrated that they didn't or couldn't meet those needs. There's a power imbalance built into therapy that can make it very, very hard sometimes to accurately assess the situation.

[RaineD]

I expect mine to care about me and not to do anything to hurt me intentionally.

I don't expect constant or frivolous between-session contact, but I like to know that he'll be there when I really need him.

For example,

Possible trigger:

The first time my dad threatened suicide, I texted T, and he responded right away. That meant a lot.

Also, the last time we got in a fight during session and I emailed him the next day asking him to help me stop therapy and told him I was crying, he responded within two hours.

I guess what I really care about isn't so much his response time but knowing that he cares about me. And for some reason I equate his responsiveness to his caring about me. Maybe that's silly, I don't know.

[Elio]

This is my 3rd T throughout my life. The other 2 I did not have the transference as I have now. Due to that transference, I believe I do expect more from her. I don't know if that is fair or not - I am putting a lot in her hands and I need her to be able to be gentle with me as we move through this process and sit with the various things that come up.

That includes many of the things that have already been listed. One thing I haven't seen, is I need to know that she takes care of her self so I don't feel like I have to take care of her. What does that look like? Basically not change her stance on something or her life on something because I "throw a tantrum" or just tell her how much it hurts, such as her going on vacation and what not.

I also need to know that she will not promise what she can not deliver on - "always be there", "never leave", type of things. I need her to tell me the truth about these types of things when I ask.

I need a therapist that sees me and listens to what I have to say.

[fille_folle]

I expect my T to provide support during my sessions, and to see me at the frequency we agreed upon. I do not expect contact or support between sessions. I technically have my T's cell phone number, but I'm not sure that I'm allowed to call it unless she calls me first and leaves a VM requesting I call that number. I can leave a VM on her office phone if I want, and she will call me back.

[stopdog]

For them to stay back, remember they do not get a stake in my life, explain what they mean when they talk, and to stay back.