[LostOnTheTrail]

New Dear T.

Have something you want to tell your T but can't? Post it here.
Have something you wish you could say to your T but aren't sure if you should or how? Post it here.

Anything you would like to say to your T, big or small - feel free to post it here.

V,

I wish I saw you today instead of tomorrow. Today is going to suck, and it would be nice to process through it immediately.

[toomanycats]

C,

It took me 2.5 years to get to a point where I really trusted S enough for the "hidden inner me" to come out in our sessions. It happened gradually over time. And, I've been pushing to try to make it happen so fast with you. See, with S, when I first started seeing him, I expressed no real emotion. I had my work face on. He used to say I was bottled up tightly and his goal was to get me to a point where I could let go. 6 months in, when my grandmother went into home hospice, I kind of naturally wound up trusting and leaning on him more -- I was too emotionally wrung out to hold myself together in those hour-long sessions.

About a year in, he began sitting on an adjacent sofa rather than his recliner - the adjacent sofa brought him physically closer to me. At this point, I felt safe enough to get "teary," but not really cry in front of him. A few months later, I got to a point where I could kick my shoes off -- all part of his having eventually given me permission/even encouraged me to allow myself to "be small" with him. A month or so later, I was comfortable enough to bring a blanket in and curl up on his couch during our sessions. And, then I began being able to cry sometimes. Around 1.5 years in, he began sitting on the same sofa as me. It was terrifying at first; I still remember the first time we tried it.

A few months later, I dared a hug at the end of our session. And, a couple months after the 2-year mark, during a session where I was basically just losing my mind and hyperventilating over something, he sat next to me on the floor, put his arms around me, and said "is this the thing you were so afraid to ask for? Is this what you ultimately wanted all this time?" And...yeah...it was. But I was too afraid to ever think of it. That just isn't something anyone has ever done for me before. And S always seemed so so much better than me. It disgusted me that I even wanted physical comfort from someone so much better than me - and I really thought it would disgust him too.

It took me 2.5 years to develop what I had with him - and to develop the trust and attachment I had with him. It was a lot of work, a lot of time. And then, it was gone. Instantaneously gone the moment he told me about the possibility of the job.

I feel lost without him and that space and that trust. And so maybe I have rushed and pushed really hard to try and make a similar connection and space with you too quickly - without actually letting any of the development I described with S happen with you over time. The truth is, I don't WANT to have to slow down, give it more time. I want what I had back again. I worked so long and so hard to get there - the idea of doing that again is exhausting and frustrating and makes me want to give up. So, I have done literally some of the exact same things I did with S (taking off my shoes, holding onto a pillow, finding a small stuffed animal to turn into a transitional object, saving all of your emails and reading the comforting bits repeatedly between sessions) with you - trying to get that space back. Trying to somehow get all of it back.

I actually thought I had, really... that it was working... until we came face to face with actually doing trauma work, and then I didn't understand what happened inside of me. The truth is, I built the "house" of my relationship with you out of sticks or straw (like the first 2 pigs in the 3 little pigs). It looked like it worked...until the wind blew and revealed its lack of stability, foundation, etc. I tried to ramshackle together the same relationship I had with S with you -- and from the outside, it looked similar, but it felt...hollow. Flimsy. And I knew this, but I ignored it, because I just freaking wanted to have it all back. And so, as the stick house has tumbled, I've been frustratedly trying to keep it standing and keep it looking like what I had before with S. But I can't.

I guess I'm hoping that you realized this already a while back even if I'm just realizing it now. I'm scared of this email hurting you. I'm scared you'll feel lied to or led on. To be clear: I'm not saying there is no relationship or no attachment -- the foundation is already being built, right? ... I guess I'm just coming face to face with the fact that I cannot get what I had with S back -- not even with you, because you're not S. And I knew that intellectually, but a part of me was ignoring it and trying to make it happen anyways. I hate this realization. I hate the idea of slowing down. I hate coming face-to-face with the fact that my grief is still very much here and happening. I'm worn out.

I should also probably throw in here that our conversation yesterday where you called me out on seeking reassurance in email...as well as my "drug effect descriptions" of what getting reassurance feels like will all lead you to stop providing it in order to break the comfort-seeking habit/pattern. Or...in order to force me to have to ask for it only in person. Is that your plan?

I know I've dumped a lot here. I wasn't planning to email you at all -- my gut response after yesterday was to wall off you and everything pertaining to you and therapy in general. I wanted to not care about it.
I'm trying to do the opposite instead.

[atisketatasket]

Info,

It’s already one of those days where I don’t know how I’ll make it through without resorting to something like sh.

I mean, I will, 100% track record, you know, but that doesn’t make it easier or less hellish.

ATAT

I've got a cold so I can't hug you tomorrow

[RaineD]

I'm so mad at you.

Why do you always threaten to leave me? You're so mean to me.

Where's the man who is supposed to be the embodiment of empathy? (Oh yeah, I Google-stalked the **** out of you and found that quote by a student of yours 20 years ago.)

If only I didn't love you so much, you asshole! God, I hate you.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear MC,
I love you so ****ing much...Whatever this is that's going on for me--separating from you? Something else? It hurts. I miss you...
Love,
LT

[toomanycats]

C,
A friend of mine pointed out that humans are not built to switch primary attachment figures/parents. S wasn't my parent, but what I felt/feel towards and with him feels just as permanent - cell-deep. The way you can't ever fully cut your mother out of your DNA.

Much as I hate my grief over S hitting me in the face, I also don't like coming face to face with the other grief: the grief that no matter how good the supplement, nothing can make me have had what I should've had when I should've had it. But, dammit, I was close...

I am relieved to hear you say that you don't want to break my comfort seeking pattern.

So... we're on the same page. The house of sticks has fallen; I'll let it fall, and I'm not scrambling to try to make it appear as stable as one made out of bricks (although I make no promises about never trying to build it with sticks again...you may have to call me out on picking up sticks again). Here I am on an only-started foundation with my pile of sticks. I'm really...really sad. Everything hurts. And I miss S. And I think I'm just going to sit here and be sad and hurting for a while.

Thanks for being here

[annielovesbacon]

T,
I have to wait 23 days to see you again and it will probably be the last time I see you, either until August or... ever.
I haven't even begun to process that.

[captgut]

Originally Posted by annielovesbacon

T,
I have to wait 23 days to see you again and it will probably be the last time I see you, either until August or... ever.
I haven't even begun to process that.

Wow, I guess I've missed something, is she moving or something?

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by toomanycats

C,

It took me 2.5 years to get to a point where I really trusted S enough for the "hidden inner me" to come out in our sessions. It happened gradually over time. And, I've been pushing to try to make it happen so fast with you. See, with S, when I first started seeing him, I expressed no real emotion. I had my work face on. He used to say I was bottled up tightly and his goal was to get me to a point where I could let go. 6 months in, when my grandmother went into home hospice, I kind of naturally wound up trusting and leaning on him more -- I was too emotionally wrung out to hold myself together in those hour-long sessions.

About a year in, he began sitting on an adjacent sofa rather than his recliner - the adjacent sofa brought him physically closer to me. At this point, I felt safe enough to get "teary," but not really cry in front of him. A few months later, I got to a point where I could kick my shoes off -- all part of his having eventually given me permission/even encouraged me to allow myself to "be small" with him. A month or so later, I was comfortable enough to bring a blanket in and curl up on his couch during our sessions. And, then I began being able to cry sometimes. Around 1.5 years in, he began sitting on the same sofa as me. It was terrifying at first; I still remember the first time we tried it.

A few months later, I dared a hug at the end of our session. And, a couple months after the 2-year mark, during a session where I was basically just losing my mind and hyperventilating over something, he sat next to me on the floor, put his arms around me, and said "is this the thing you were so afraid to ask for? Is this what you ultimately wanted all this time?" And...yeah...it was. But I was too afraid to ever think of it. That just isn't something anyone has ever done for me before. And S always seemed so so much better than me. It disgusted me that I even wanted physical comfort from someone so much better than me - and I really thought it would disgust him too.

It took me 2.5 years to develop what I had with him - and to develop the trust and attachment I had with him. It was a lot of work, a lot of time. And then, it was gone. Instantaneously gone the moment he told me about the possibility of the job.

I feel lost without him and that space and that trust. And so maybe I have rushed and pushed really hard to try and make a similar connection and space with you too quickly - without actually letting any of the development I described with S happen with you over time. The truth is, I don't WANT to have to slow down, give it more time. I want what I had back again. I worked so long and so hard to get there - the idea of doing that again is exhausting and frustrating and makes me want to give up. So, I have done literally some of the exact same things I did with S (taking off my shoes, holding onto a pillow, finding a small stuffed animal to turn into a transitional object, saving all of your emails and reading the comforting bits repeatedly between sessions) with you - trying to get that space back. Trying to somehow get all of it back.

I actually thought I had, really... that it was working... until we came face to face with actually doing trauma work, and then I didn't understand what happened inside of me. The truth is, I built the "house" of my relationship with you out of sticks or straw (like the first 2 pigs in the 3 little pigs). It looked like it worked...until the wind blew and revealed its lack of stability, foundation, etc. I tried to ramshackle together the same relationship I had with S with you -- and from the outside, it looked similar, but it felt...hollow. Flimsy. And I knew this, but I ignored it, because I just freaking wanted to have it all back. And so, as the stick house has tumbled, I've been frustratedly trying to keep it standing and keep it looking like what I had before with S. But I can't.

I guess I'm hoping that you realized this already a while back even if I'm just realizing it now. I'm scared of this email hurting you. I'm scared you'll feel lied to or led on. To be clear: I'm not saying there is no relationship or no attachment -- the foundation is already being built, right? ... I guess I'm just coming face to face with the fact that I cannot get what I had with S back -- not even with you, because you're not S. And I knew that intellectually, but a part of me was ignoring it and trying to make it happen anyways. I hate this realization. I hate the idea of slowing down. I hate coming face-to-face with the fact that my grief is still very much here and happening. I'm worn out.

I should also probably throw in here that our conversation yesterday where you called me out on seeking reassurance in email...as well as my "drug effect descriptions" of what getting reassurance feels like will all lead you to stop providing it in order to break the comfort-seeking habit/pattern. Or...in order to force me to have to ask for it only in person. Is that your plan?

I know I've dumped a lot here. I wasn't planning to email you at all -- my gut response after yesterday was to wall off you and everything pertaining to you and therapy in general. I wanted to not care about it.
I'm trying to do the opposite instead.

This is an an amazing post, toomanycats. I hope you have been able to share its wisdom with your T. If you were able to do that I wonder if it would be like hammering some floorboards into that new house.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Hi R,

Please stop me babbling at you tomorrow. It's been quite a week. Thankfully, I have the collage and the list to provide some direction to our session.

See you soon,

Lost

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T2,
Really wish I was in your office right now (though I guess we'd already be halfway through the appointment, but still). Depending on how I feel the next couple days and how things go with MC Friday, I may contact you to see if you have any openings earlier than our scheduled Wed. appt. next week...
--LT

I dunno T. I'm not entirely happy with the way you responded. I think I was so hell bent on not leaving on a rupture that I let you off the hook a bit for a couple of hurtful things you said. We'll have to work through it next week.

[chihirochild]

dear t,

because i am drowning so deeply in this mistake of mine, part of me wanted you to remember a time you messed up and someone died. i know it has happened; you’ve alluded to it. i think you did remember because your mouth went wobbly and so did your voice once or twice, and you took a tissue to your face and when i gathered the courage to look up at you i saw that you'd wiped the kohl from your eyes. your face looked younger without it. no less lovely, though. makeup is such a funny thing.

i don’t know why i wanted that. something about the intimacy of sharing grief? i guess i should have just said what i wanted, i dunno.

but what i really want, even more than that, is for you to rest your hand on my knee so that i can cry, or to sit next to me and put your arms around me so that i don't have to work so hard to hold myself together. but i don't think that's within your repertoire because when i managed to creak out that i had longed so much for touch with my previous t and it was hard because she couldn't tell me why she didn't think that'd be the right thing to do, and i think i maybe even said it was something i felt i wanted from you... i think you said something therapist-y (which is sort of unusual for you), something like, "you're wondering what the boundaries are in this relationship" which i interpreted as you not wanting to say just then that you aren't the sort of therapist who puts her hands on people (which would make a lot of sense for someone who specializes in trauma... not to mention that i can't help but wonder why someone who has no personal history with trauma would chose to specialize in it... so i wonder whether that might be a firm personal boundry, in addition to a Wise Professional Choice.)

i don't know if i can tolerate you saying 'no' to that. but i also want to stop wondering and wishing because that feels a bit awful.

but i'm not even brave enough to say that is what i want, not directly. i guess i should. i dunno. i hate not being straightforward.

i guess i'm babbling now. i'm getting tired. this depression is so exhausting.

i don't know how i am going to tolerate it until tuesday. it is too horrible.

-moi

[Fernwehxx]

I wish I had a friend like you. Well, honestly, I wish we could be friends...

[DP_2017]

I am not happy you lied about not going away on a trip during my session time, but it is what it is, I am not worried you wont come back, I hope you do. I can't deal with losing someone else right now

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Fernwehxx

I wish I had a friend like you. Well, honestly, I wish we could be friends...

I hear ya. 100% me. I even told him this, did you tell yours?

[Fernwehxx]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I hear ya. 100% me. I even told him this, did you tell yours?

I don't dare... In scared of what shed say. How did yours react?

[DP_2017]

Originally Posted by Fernwehxx

I don't dare... In scared of what shed say. How did yours react?

He was completely ok with it. He has not changed at all, which I was worried about, literally almost threw up before I told him I was that scared.... but we have the exact same relationship as we always have.

He also told me I am allowed to contact him after therapy ends and even come by to visit sometimes. So it kinda helped but the feelings of wanting to hang out with him, are still hard to deal with it and sometimes I cry about it.

,

You've ruined me. I hate you so much. I don't know that I'm ever going to be able to have a good therapeutic alliance ever again.

[RaineD]

I love you so much. I can't imagine ever leaving you.

I wish you knew how much you hurt me.

[Fernwehxx]

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I hear ya. 100% me. I even told him this, did you tell yours?

Originally Posted by DP_2017

He was completely ok with it. He has not changed at all, which I was worried about, literally almost threw up before I told him I was that scared.... but we have the exact same relationship as we always have.

He also told me I am allowed to contact him after therapy ends and even come by to visit sometimes. So it kinda helped but the feelings of wanting to hang out with him, are still hard to deal with it and sometimes I cry about it.

That's nice. I may tell her.
I'm scared she may distance herself after, or obviously reject me, which I know I couldnt deal with well.
In a way, I really want her to know how much she does for me. Shes more personal and approachable than any T I have had before. And, she really gets me. I live it when she laughs, and I love it how she tells me exactly the things I have always wanted to hear.
I am truly thankful that I found her, and I coyldnt do therapy with aomeonw I sont feel a strong connection for. Been there, done that, and all I do is chat, pretend, but I can't let go and go deep enough to really open up. With her, I can. I look forward to our appointments all the time, as is I were meeting a friend for some coffee....

[AllHeart]

I totally need a re-do of today's session. Sorry you are continually exposed to my extreme sensitivities. Good grief I'm lame. Thanks for helping me through my episode instead of calling 9-1-1. Ugh.

t, this past 6 years, well, it's been one helluva ride!!! i am so very, very grateful to you. even with the falling out between us during the summer.... somehow I think that had to be part of all of it. i really struck gold the day I stumbled upon your profile on psych today while researching other t's. how the hell did i ever get so lucky that YOU called me back instead of the t my pdoc recommended??? musta been some kinda magic in the air that day. I will never be the same for having done this work with you.