Dear T : I Need To Tell You Something, but Don't Know How(Part XXVIII)

If you do tell...maybe first ask if anything you say would change things. I did. I told him he was terrified he would stop hugging me and cut off contact. He replied in a email very sweetly about why he hugs me and how what I tell him wont change. I was still nervous but it made it easier.

Oh how I wish I could say all the things inside that just can't and won't come out. I know that nobody is perfect, but you are as close to perfect for me as anybody I have ever met. I can't imagine ever trying to fight this battle if you had not come along. I know I have to be so unbelievably frustrating to you and I really hope that I have not done to many things that you are finally beginning to think there is no hope or that you are tired of dealing with all my drama, but please don't give up on me.. please

Thanks.
In a way, I feel so messed up because I have these feelings. Like, the only friend I feel closest to is my paid therapist?
I'll wait for when the time is right and ask her if anything I say could change our relationship. I'm glad it went so well for you.

Dear T,

when you told me to finish my project, you left me stunned and amazed. You said the words I have been starving to hear from my family since I was a little child. You said that one sentence, and your smile was mesmerizing while you said it, and I smiled back and said I would.
I am kicking my own butt now. I am working on it again, and I will add at least a little something every day and join the monthly challenge.
Thank you! SO MUCH!

Dear MC,
I know you were out of town for part of the time, but could you still please respond in some way to my e-mail before we see you tomorrow? Even if it's just to say "Got it, let's discuss tomorrow"? (I know at the very least you're back in the office today because you'd originally offered us appointments today or tomorrow.)
--LT

PS--I hope you're not, like, dead or something...

C,
I am going to try very hard to not try to re-build the stick house with no foundation. I am afraid I'll jump into trying again today as I am feeling very anxious already.

For some reason I can’t quite name, your post reminds me of this Rumi poem (as translated by Coleman Barks):

This is a rented house.
You do not own the deed.

You have a lease, and you have set up
a little shop where you barely make a living
sewing patches on torn clothing.

Yet only a few feet underneath
are two veins, pure red and bright gold carnelian.

Quick. Take the pickaxe and pry the foundation.
You have got to quit this seamstress work.

What does the patch-sewing mean, you ask.
Eating and drinking. The heavy cloak
of the body is always getting torn.

You patch it with food
and other restless ego-satisfactions.

Rip up one board from the floor
and look into the basement.
You may see two glints in the dirt.

T,

This topic always makes me want to hurt myself really badly.

I know that I don't make sense.

I wouldn't believe myself either.

I know my denials are wrong.

I'll leave if you want me to.

Ever since you have gone the days don't seem so bright
And I wish I could forget you but I can't
Ever since you have gone I haven't felt quite right
And I promised I'd forget all that you meant

But now that I'm alone I can't stop myself from thinking
I can't stop myself from breaking promises I've made to myself
Babe, you must believe

I have promised myself I wouldn't dream of you
But I find that awful hard sometimes to do
I have promised myself I wouldn't think of you
But I find that just as hard you know it's true
Because when I'm alone I can't stop myself from thinking
I can't stop myself from breaking promises I've made to myself
Babe, you must believe

I have promised myself I wouldn't think of you
But I find that awful hard sometimes to do
I have promised myself I wouldn't dream of you
But I find that just as hard you know it's true
Because when I'm alone I can't stop my self from thinking
I can't stop myself from breaking promises I've made to myself
Babe, you must believe

Went past your place on the bus just now and it felt like there was an animal inside me gnawing at my ribcage. That's what missing you and loving you and hating you feels like.

Miss you
I start iop monday. Wish I could see u before then

Oh well

I don't know how I'll ever get over you.

I think I need you more than I should. I want you more than I should. Its not erotic in any way. I am happily married. What I want you fir is different, deeper, more raw, and needier than anything. I want to feel you, hug you, hold you.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going insane, after all.

Dear MC,
Nervous to see you tomorrow. Would feel much better (well, probably) if you'd responded to my e-mail, but I guess it's not noon tomorrow yet, so you still could. I mean, you've written to me as late at 1 a.m. (and as early as 7 a.m.) so...But not holding my breath...
--LT

Ah t. Were you perhaps engaging in some of that t wiliness tonight, when you said "You'll come back after your break. And there will be more."

I'll come back, yes. But I'll not make any promises for how long. It's nothing against you, of course; but it is because of you, because you've helped me SO much, because this process has been so absolutely amazing, all of it. How it's all worked together.

But...

all things eventually come to an end.

Dear T,

The red haired lady I despise for no reason—BEFORE me this week? What? Are kidding? I’m always the first client of the day at 5pm. I get to relish in pretending it makes me special, I love watching your car pull up, see you get settled, I’m secure in knowing all is right with the world now. Apparently you said it’s the schedule change for this week only. This is good. I was freaking out with now being sandwiched between women who are probably more interesting than me. But then the red haired lady then ran 10 minutes over (you gave me that time back and then a few minutes more), and you apologized for being late, that you had to make an important point. I glared at the door while waiting for you to be done, wishing that she will go away and find a new therapist, you’re mine mine mine mine. No, she doesn’t get to have important points made by you. You’re the first one who has ever, ever in my life heard the stories of my abused childhood. (You know this.) And I wanted to be irrationally mad over this lady, but I couldn’t, you’re too nice, too supportive. And tonight I was especially brave talking about a difficult subject from the past. (You said you’re proud I brought it up, that my feelings do matter.) So I’ve never brought up these feelings of jealously, but maybe one day I will. Can you see only male clients besides me? That would make me special. That’s a thing, right? Ok, I know you’re in your own private practice and need to make a living. I get it, we both work and have young families. But I’m special, right? This is a huge responsibility, being the bearer of these stories I’ve kept bottled up my whole life. I know you take these seriously, that you are to be trusted. But maybe don’t schedule this chick before me again, pretty please?

Till next week. I want it to be next Thursday already.

I don't even know what that was today.

yes t, it is fun sometimes, coming there, like the time we laughed so hard over my fairy tale. and when we have those really super-deep sessions. and it's been tough too. thank you for acknowleding tonight that i've been brave at times too. and even though it in a way felt like another wily tactic to make sure i come back after my break, i appreciate that you said i work a lot deeper than most people. that i've been so dedicated to the process or however you said it. yes, i have been. and i've grown so incredibly much from it. but t this can't go on forever. it can't. my life is much more interesting now than coming there, and i want to live it t, and not dissect it. yes i've worked deeply and it's been oh, so worth it. but i've come back up to the surface now. that canoe i put in the sand tray tonight with the oars propped up in the sand as though they were paddling through water? did you get what i said about that? did you? let's both call me a success and say good night, gracie. can we do that? can you? i am trying not to feel like you're dangling the pictures of my sand trays like a carrot in front of a horse. you know i want them. i did my work t, i know what you've been to me and I got through it, now it's time for you to figure out what i am to you. can you do that, t? can you? seriously. yes it's been fun and interesting and amazing and tough and miserable and every other emotion. and i am incredibly grateful for everything. for how it has all worked together to get me to where i am. i said a lot of this tonight but not all of it. i should have said all of it. oh sigh. but yeah... you need to let me go now. can you do that t? can you help me to leave you? can you?

How do I leave you?!

I scheduled an informal interview on the same day as our next session. I realize I may have chosen convenience over common sense. But it's easier for me to take a whole day off work than it is to take two consecutive half days.

I'm still planning on having that difficult conversation with you. And if you decide to dump me on the spot, well, I guess I'll just do terribly on the interview.

I still feel you were being punitive the other day.

So much for your “I am here.”

Dear T2,

Here is a list of things that you do that T1 could not:

- Reflect and comment on what I say in a manner that suggests that you have actually understood me and you actually give a s**t.

- Remember things that I've said. Like, properly specifically remember things.

- Honestly and appropriately share your experiences and impressions in the moment with me.

- Suggest metaphors and analogies that are imaginative and accurate, instead of a load of tedious rubbish...

(In our final session, in an attempt to argue that I shouldn't leave him, T1 said something like: "imagine if a person said they really didn't like cars, but they'd never actually driven one, and then they drove ten cars and said they still didn't like them - that would just be because its a foregone conclusion."

This bears no resemblance to my situation with him whatsoever... I never claimed to 'not like' therapists and I'm still not claiming such (though I am pretty suspicious of most of them at this point) - I also haven't 'driven' ten of them and I had no foregone conclusions about T1. In fact I desperately wanted to make it work.

But also, it doesn't even make sense in itself. Because maybe those cars were s**t, T1. Or maybe that person just doesn't bloody like cars. Maybe you should leave them alone and stop insisting that they drive...)

ANYWAY... T2, here is a list of things that T1 did that you cannot:

- Be the most beautiful person alive.

Oh well.

Wtf does that "...I even think about you with some warmth sometimes" s*** mean? Didn't you say you love me recently? What changed? I'm confused

Did you say you had (have?) BPD??? Oh wow. Thank you <3

I love you. Thank you for a hug.
I'm going to cancel our next session, but I'm not sure.

There are so many CRUEL people in this world, I didn't need to find another one in YOU.