Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I'm not sure I can do tomorrow :-(

It's been 3 hours, I think it's safe to say once again you wont reply at all or wait until office hours tomorrow, which means, you lied and changed the boundaries without telling me. I am so dumb for trusting you

Did you text him a dog picture and are now waiting for a reply back?

Maybe he forgot his phone at home, or it has run out of battery. Or maybe he is somewhere out of range. Or he has a major headache and can't concentrate on it right now. I know what it is like to wait for a response and how anxiety producing that can be, but there are lots of other reasons he might not be answering other than he doesn't want you texting anymore.

yes but it's typical for us that sort of stuff to text

maybe but he has always responded within a few hrs. the reason i am convinced he changed, the last 3 times I've texted, once was even about payment stuff for session, on days off or evenings, he waited a whole day to respond, its not normal. i wouldn't care except he promised he would never change boundaries without a discussion first. I will wait until i go to bed but I'm 100% sure he wont reply until tomorrow, if it at all. it's different now.... i will have to ask him why we didn't talk about it first

Thanks for getting back to me. I still feel annoying though.

Dear T,
I bet your ears are burning right now. I went to my neurologist to explain my ongoing migraines and then he asked what medications I was on I mentioned Paxil and how high she wanted to go frankly she was shocked. I also explained how it was making me really tired and perhaps the migraines were causing it and then I mentioned that to the therapist and she kinda shrugged it off and my neurologist brushed it off and said why did u get a CT scan and my neurologist said wow a therapist shouldn’t be saying that ( exactly what I’ve been saying) whether it be my constant weight loss ( judgey) saying I’m stressed or saying the pills aren’t working it’s always well we need to up them. T at this point I’m really beginning to think you aren’t very helpful I mean if my neurologist said something like that then there’s something off. I used to think you were caring but now I’m really thinking maybe you aren’t and all you care about is yourself.

Dear T,
I should probably tell you when you get back about the thoughts I had while driving today. But I won't.
LT

Thank you, C

I think I'm close to ready to hug you, by the way...

I feel like I'll know when it's time
it will need to be about really wanting to hug you, not about missing hugging S

Sorry I bothered you....I've learned now that I don't matter like I thought. I wont bother you unless its during office hours. You are different, it sucks but you know, I'm used to this from people.

I'm really mixed up tonight. I've still got like 3 parts crammed in the driver's seat with me, and it's very hard to 'see through them' -- to see reality through their realities and their agendas.

I thought that the idea of parts being "disowned" worked for me, because certainly there's rejection there between some parts... but now, thinking back, the idea that I "disowned" parts makes it, again, sound more like you're talking about "parts of me" (as in I'm the head and have disowned the parts I drew).

I can't disown something that isn't mine to begin with.....
I didn't disown parts, and they aren't mine to own.
I didn't MAKE the parts. Last year, I didn't MAKE the part that is frozen in time waiting for S or the part that kept moving forward and attached to you. They just exist. I didn't do anything to make these parts.... I didn't reject them, I didn't call them into being, I didn't form them... they just are.

And, we aren't all actually one thing that's going to somehow come together and be this "ONE" self you seem to be stuck on.
Don't you get that that idea feels like asking the parts to die? Like your goal for them is to not exist.. to disappear. That hurts so much...to some, it feels like you want to destroy them. Erase them.

Yes, I would like to know MY self, MY place in all of this, but a sense of self for ME isn't some combination of these parts. They aren't me. I literally feel like I lack a sense of self, and they do not. That's where I start feeling like I'm disappearing: They know who they are. They know how their worlds work, what matters to them, WHO matters to them, what motivates them...
But what about me??
All I know is what matters to THEM.

It really really upsets me when you don't seem to understand. I feel like you keep slipping back towards "me being the head in the drawing"-type thinking.
Not upset like mad at you. Upset like feeling very alone and hopeless.
If you don't really understand, then your reassurance and even your expressions of feelings don't mean anything -- not because you don't mean it or care or want to help.... but because your reassurance and feelings are all based on your misunderstanding of things.

You can't care about me if you don't even know me. If you can't even see me.
And you said yourself you don't see me.
You see one person. You see one 'self.'

That's not me.

I’m having a ton of anxiety that I may have ruined a good thing. I’m worried that my words or even feelings will make you decide to back off or even refer me out. Please understand where I am coming from. When you said “oh. “ followed by a puzzled look and silence what I wouldn’t give to hear your thoughts at that moment.

Refer me out is my biggest fear. I am with you on this feeling, tonight I am not doing well, at all. Normally I would not lose my mind over a text either.... I hope things are good, they seem to be for you still.

I hope you can talk to him about it. I hope it is a misunderstanding and does not have the meaning you think it does. I really think if he knew you were hurting he would act diffferntly. Can you text him that thought?

(I was doing a lot better now I’m getting anxious again)

I'm too afraid to text him now. I don't wanna become more annoying than I already am. I'd write up an email but I think that's needy seeming to. I'll just have to suffer until we talk in person and hope for the best

If I get a vote I’d say email him. Why suffer?

I emailed him Wed, I feel like I am too much right now. Man deserves a break from me, before he has to see my ugly mug again tomorrow.

I suggest you be nice, apolgize and take some responsibility! If not, you will be receiving my nastygram and things will not be the same for you after reading it. Plain and simple, be nice.

You told me I could call you if I needed, if it was an emergency. Well this feels like an emergency. But I can't call internationally and the clinic says there's nothing they can do. No email or anything. I know it's not your fault, I'm just frustrated right now. I don't know what to do.

oh hey T. not sure i can do it. i know you gave me an "out" by letting me know I can write it...but still. sigh.

I think you can buy an international calling card on Skype, and that will allow you to call a landline using the Skype app on your phone or computer. The rates are pretty reasonable. Is that a possibility for you?

I hope I don't get sick, or I won't be able to see you on Thursday.

Dear Dr. S,
Thank you for coming back. I am so far gone, I don't think you realize. I am not doing ok - but I am doing ok. It's weird. I -- can you tell me who I am?

M.

Thank you!

Tonight went much better than I had hoped for.

We were scared to put the card into your hand and we held our breathe as you read it.

It was too much to sort through and talk about tonight but the relief was great that it had been brought out into the light.

There is always relief and unburdening when the hard things are brought forward.

Thank you for your time in listening to the song that I sent to you. I know you are so busy and it meant a lot to me that you listened to it and you felt it.

Thank you.

Dr C,

Thank you for saying you know this relationship with you is really important to me. I'd always felt I failed at expressing how important our therapeutic relationship is. I always felt really vulnerable trying to say it. Sometimes I'm really ashamed that you mean so much to me as my therapist.