Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

maybe a little less irritable and ragey today
maybe it was just withdrawal
that would be good

You're not dead and I know that not because i have actual evidence I need... it's just what I am going to tell myself and go with

Hoping you are having a great time. I still feel guilty about needing the emergency session right before your trip. I hope it created a happy memory

It sounded like you really needed it though and that it helped. I had a last-minute session with my T yesterday, when he was leaving for vacation today (though I know he was seeing other clients yesterday, too). I feel like...they decide to do this job, they have to deal with stuff like that. Therapy doesn't always fit neatly into 50-minute sessions once a week...

I tried to talk to my mom about my food problems.
She's coming over tomorrow, and she said she would bring "store-bought Italian subs" for lunch. I panicked, and thank god it's my mom and not someone else, so I could outright say "no."
I told her I'm trying to maintain my weight, and I hate it (I do. I hate it. And I'm currently in a panic that I can't get rid of, because I ate some cake and have no idea how many calories were really in it, and either way, it means I ate at least 1,700 calories today, which is so. flipping. high.... I want to throw up. No, literally, I want to make myself throw up and then I want to never eat again.)
I told her "you'd think I mean that I hate it because I want more food, but no, I feel like I'm eating way too much, and I hate it."
She just said
"Are you tracking?"
I said "always."
She said "that way you'll know for sure."
I said "sometimes."
She just said..."see you tomorrow."

I can't stick with maintenance. I can't. I raised my goal from 1,200 calories a day to 1,500, because that's what I seemed to be eating most days anyways, but AIMING for it (1500) instead of aiming for 1,200 and usually eating 1,500 and feeling like it was a mistake is just... more terrifying. Because tonight I ate 1,700, and I feel out of control... what if, now, I aim for 1,500 and just always eat 1,700 and then gain weight?
I can't do this.
Maybe 1,300...maybe that's a safer number.
I don't want to maintain anyways. I want to lose. And lose and lose and lose and never ****ing stop losing I want to be nothing.
No. I mean. I would like to lose another 5 pounds. That's acceptable, right?

I spent all day crying, I have never been so miserable. Where is the line between giving up, and harming myself by being stubborn?

Yes, i do mind very very much. I dont know why i said i didnt. I want you to like me.

I'm glad you don't answer emails by just saying, "we'll talk about it next time" which is a mistake two t's ago made. so, "feeling happy is 'abnormal' to me." but if I accept "happy" then do I loose my emotional support all together? or do I have the strength to tackle other things. of course my biggest fear is that a t, any t, will say, 'ok you're cured. go away'. H says I need to keep going because of my history. Can I say remission if it has been six weeks since my last depressive episode? I typically make it 6 months. Is that remission? Are you going to drop me now? Or in six months? oh, and sorry but I know where your d goes to college and why you asked me about prof n.

Hey t. I'll tell you here since I don't want to bug you til I'm ready to schedule. I've lost 20 lbs as of this morning since that hugely important session on Jan 4. I hope to have lost 5 more before I see you again. I feel so much better already. The highest weight I'd gotten up to was so terribly unhealthy I don't know how nothing bad happened because of it. And the incredible thing is it's not a struggle like my attempts have been in the past. I'm listening to my body and it's telling me what it wants. The work I've done in therapy has been life-changing and yes, transformative. Thank you so much for guiding me through it all. I do love you.

I’m almost ready to let go of our valentines themed rupture but first, a little something from cvs from me to you...

Dear MC,

Sorry for the e-mail...you had to know it was coming eventually...Please say something back, at some point before our long-delayed session a week from tomorrow? Though I suspect you'll just say, "Let's discuss in session." (Or, ignoring some of the other stuff I said, "I'm sure it will work out with T.") But...if you could throw in something caring or reassuring, I'd really appreciate it.

LT

Hope things go ok there, Was this a bad email?

Thanks, DP. Just...really long and a little needy.

So probably still pretty attached then

yeah, maybe...and possibly connected to T being out of town.

well, it IS where it all started, with him doing those cough syrup commercials!

Dear Info,

Okay, so as agreed I sent you an email of what I want to discuss Tuesday. I made a decent list, but mostly I just wanted to put down “Why are you a giant flake?” several times over.

ATAT

M.

Tomorrow.

All week I’ve been working through this.

Compliance asked for an answer and it came in pieces.

There’s no other way than to bring this to the table.

I don’t want to but I have to for her.

I have no idea what this is going to look like or do to me.

I’m really afraid, but I’ve brought other things and we’ve worked through them and they did not crush me or shatter me.

Ya know, it’s been there and it’s not something new. It just wants to be heard and compliance wants it heard.

I don’t imagine I will be all me when I get to your office tomorrow. I already don’t feel like myself.

There has to be redemption from this.

I will believe that and hold on to it.

Thank you for the safety I feel with you with nothing expected back.

That in itself speaks millions.

See you tomorrow.

You know how we were talking about me sabotaging things, well I felt like there was real connection today and now i want to piss all over that. Really what will happen if i let myself be happy? Stay tuned same cheese time same cheese channel.

Former t

Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away from the pain that you drive into the heart of me
The love we share
Seems to go nowhere
And I've lost my light
For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

Now I know I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
You don't really want it any more from me
To make things right
You need someone to hold you tight
And you'll think love is to pray
But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

Once I ran to you
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh tainted love
Tainted love

Don't touch me please
I cannot stand the way you tease
I love you though you hurt me so
Now I'm going to pack my things and go
Tainted love, tainted love
Tainted love, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love
Touch me baby, tainted love
Tainted love
Tainted love
Tainted love

T,

I think I'm relapsing into the e.d. hole. Why can I not just be okay and healthy. Like, what about that feels wrong to me?

Me.

I miss you! I am gonna text you a pic of the dog you asked about today, I am hoping you respond, otherwise I think your texting rules may have changed. Sigh...

Plz let me reschedule ...

I texted you to cancel my appointment because I feel better. I am noticing how anxious I am getting because you haven't answered me. It is painful and it makes me start wondering if you are upset that I cancelled, or that I even asked. Instead of being normal, and thinking that you just haven't had a chance to respond, I think about why you might not be responding and I am good at coming up with negative ideas.

BREAKING NEWS: Thanks for texting me back just now. At least when I am worrying about why you (or someone at work) is responding to me in a certain way or not responding to me in a certain way, instead of getting lost in my thoughts, I am doing more mentalization. I am thinking about what I am thinking/feeling and just noticing the anxiety that comes with this territory.

I know that one concept is that feelings come from thoughts, but in this/these instance(s) it feels like my anxiety reaction comes first. And it is as if I am trying to think of why I feel so bad and am drawing conclusions based on how bad I feel. I guess my problem is that i sometimes view my feelings as facts, maybe?

Although I am more aware of this process, I still start to feel unsafe, especially at work, and it causes me so much stress. It is so painful and scary.

I'm limping through today, touchy as anything. Near meltdown over not being able to find a particular CD. Only it's not the CD, is it?

The straw and the camel's back comes to mind.