Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

Not dear t but dear pc people who might be having a crappy time today.
This video made me smile maybe it will cheer you up too

There can beonly me

I smiled!

Feeling so vulnerable and young. T seems to be enjoying herself with her friends and I think her mother in Cambodia. The photos she's tagged in on her friend's instagram. She looks so happy with that lovely smile...

Dear T...I'm sad I rarely get to see even a glimpse of that easy, goofy, playful you in sessions. Only on your friends' instagrams.

Come back safely...

Dear T,

Have you ever received advice from a client? I have some for you:

Don't start something with me and run away hiding your head in the sand.

i hate that a disclosure is such a huge deal for me and just..... work for you. like, you've probably heard variations of it a thousand times before, but this is the first (and maybe only) time i've said it out loud, and you are the only person i've said it to.

and you would have put it aside as soon as i walked out the door, while i'm still a wreck, hours later. all these horrible emotions and memories stirred up. feeling vulnerable and exposed and just left alone with it all.

i hate this part. the 'after'. sometimes it feels too much like then.

I can protect me better by not seeing you.

Contrary to the stories you make up about me, I am not doing well under the circumstances forced upon me. In fact, I am worse than our last session. Can't tell you that though can I?

Dear T,
Reading another thread gave me a possible insight--I wonder if I'm just not used to people being direct, straightforward, and honest with me? So it's like I'm not sure how to take you sometimes, like I have trouble taking you at your word. And thinking there must be stuff you're not saying. Because I'm not used to the transparency. Hm... Something to bring up next session. Because I imagine I have this issue with other people in my life, too...
LT

Just want to say that I wish I could do what you do and get that level of insight when I'm not in my sessions. I tend to leave everything in the room, lock everything up, and not think about them until the next week. So I end up back in the therapy room and it's like I have to get used to everything again because it's so jarring.

I think I'm in love with my coworker. I'm ****ed. Because he's married, and I'm a piece of ****.

I should post it on the couch, but I can't, because, well, I feel like I'm not welcome here.

I'm drunk, you know. I love you. I hope you're doing well.

I tend to have some of my greatest insights on the ride home (or to wherever I'm going) from therapy sessions. It's one of the reasons I often e-mailed ex-T after session--to tell her about some revelation I had in the car! The issue with this is...I end up thinking about therapy an awful lot, something current T mentioned in a recent session. But, as I put it to him, I think about a lot of different things a lot--my brain is just constantly going!

If you want to think more about stuff between sessions, I wonder if it would help you to, for example, write down a few things from your session right after you leave? Like journaling in a sense. Even if it's just a couple words that come to mind that you can look back on later.

Dear T,
Thanks for being so accommodating and fitting me in for an extra session at the end of next week, since you'll be away the week after that. And I appreciate your confirming that you'd still see me at my regular appointment without my having to ask--I think you really are figuring me out!

Also, note that I avoided any apologies for contacting you again or any comments fearing I'd be asking too much or taking away time away from you or your other clients. I'm trying to just take you at your word that I both haven't crossed any boundaries (so the scheduling text is fine) and that I don't need to "take care of" you (or your other clients). That's at least a tiny bit of progress, right?
LT

Of course you're welcome on the Couch, Capt. Hope you're doing OK... You're not a piece of ****. There's nothing wrong with having feelings for someone...just don't act on them.

I'm seeing you in 2 hours.
I'm scared.

I can't do any of this.

Light sessions can definitely be beneficial!

I want a lite one today.... hmmmm

FM

How the mind likes to imagine, paranoia possibly, when people do not nice things. He, he.

I know you don't do therapy by email, so I get why you haven't responded to my second email. I wish you had time for me before my next session.

I'm sick and barfing...whyyyyyy

I appreciate your vision of how our next session might work. I appreciate that you have borne out 'I'm with you' in every possible way since you first said the words last January. And although I was irritated by the way that things worked out so that you weren't around when I really needed you...I think we can work from here to repair that, and then hopefully get to the point where I can sleep through the night, rather than being taken there.

Six more sleeps...

Ugh, hope you feel better soon!

Dang it, I wanted so bad to hate you and be angry but no, you are still so sweet and kind and I miss you. Is it Tues yet?

T,
I feel like I am sliding down the slippery slope of negativity and I can't stop it. I've already kind of screwed things up and I hate myself for it. I feel like I am being taken advantage of, and I am not sure that is true, but it sure is how I feel. I did something that I wish I didn't and made the person mad. Now I am feeling the repercussions of this. I am trying so hard to keep my head above this but I am failing miserably and I feel like throwing myself off of a ledge.

I feel inferior to this one, holier than thou, judgmental person and I'm so ****ing angry at myself for being such a wimp. I wish you could make this go away, it is so soul destroying. Is this person too close? Am I trying to push her away? I don't trust her, she talks really positively with people and when they leave, she stabs them in the back.

I feel like jumping off of a cliff. I can't take this anymore. My anxiety is way too high, and I can't continue like this nor do I want to. I am going back to being a hide away. I am locking myself in my room at work. I am going to deal with as few adults as I can. I need just to deal with it and do what the **** ever other people want me to do. But this makes me angry. I could wave my white flag but it wouldn't matter because I don't matter. I can't do this. I just can't.

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm failing you... You told me to enjoy my trip, to savor every day and to be present in the moment... but I have just been floating through this trip that's supposed to be fun in a depressive fog, I can't remember anything... I can't believe I'm going to waste this trip of a lifetime because I won't even remember it from dissociating so much