Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I hope I cross your mind at least once this weekend.

Dear T,
That started off quite poorly, but ended up being very helpful. Thank you.
LT

Stressed doesn't even begin to cover it!

I don't want to be clingy, but it is terrifying that I have to go to work and deal with my social anxiety issues and so on. When I'm in the middle of it, it feels like I'm not going to make it out, it just feels like too much to handle. I have been trying to keep ahead of my darkness and fear, and I am doing better at it than I ever have been. But it doesn't make it a lot easier to take. I am doing what I am supposed to do, but it sometimes is so overwhelming and seems to be happening on a daily basis. I think I feel bad that I haven't done everything I should/could have done regarding getting things ready at work, but I had no idea really what I needed to do because this is my first time doing this. I'm staying in my room trying to avoid my reactions to things. I feel so much safer there. I have to call my GP and ask for another appointment, and I am avoiding it like the plague. I don't want to be called irresponsible. I can't help that I have no memory whatsoever, and I'm stressed and ashamed about it, even though I couldn't really help it. I need to get a really good smart phone and rely on it. All of this sounds so trite, like not a big deal, but to me, I am trying to work with affect that is excruciating and trying to maintain my energy and my stress tolerance. I wonder what it would be like if I was normal and didn't have to deal with my forgetfulness, my terror of other people/rejection, etc.? I think it would be like winning the lottery. I can't imagine going to work and not having at least a few instances where I feel like an idiot and feel judged which leads to painful affect.

I want to ask you for a phone call right now but I’m scared.. I’ve never done that before. I got an unexpected message from my abuser and I’m feeling really unstable. I wish it wasn’t the weekend. I don’t want to bother you but I don’t know who else I could tell.

Wait... are u alive.

I love you so much. But I feel connected to you. I can still feel the squeeze of your hug. That's why you aren't hearing from me - because I still feel that connection.

I did it. I asked if you can call me. Please don’t hate me

I'm annoyed that I care that you are going out of town next weekend. It doesn't even affect me in any way. I'll still have the same number of sessions, so why do I feel sad? And thank you for reserving a spot for me on Monday. I appreciated that.

I hope you are enjoying your trip and that I did not ruin your ability to enjoy it. I know how meaningful it is for you to create a new happier memory there.

Dear T,
You're gone for one day and I already have flashbacks


I wish we would have talked about how I could get support this week. But I guess that wouldn't have helped either way. I hope I can see you Monday in a week...

Dear T,
Part of me wishes that where you were going next week was a conference on attachment in therapy. I think you may have a lot of learning to do...And I don't want to be the one to do all the teaching...

LT

I know you said you'd worry about me this weekend if I kept my commitment not to email again.
It's probably awful of me, but...
maybe it's not so bad to have someone worry about me for a little while...

If you saw my email, please reply. And I hope you’re not annoyed that I emailed you. I feel like you’re probably thinking “oh god, not her again. And on a Saturday!” I’m sorry, I feel needy

I'm very drunk, and at dinner I said you were hot if you're into gingers. My friend agreed 😂

Hi MLK,

We sometimes joke, things usually happen for a reason - your butt dial happened for a reason. I think you missed me and your fingers couldn't break the therapeutic frame so you commissioned your butt cheeks to do it. Years ago, I would have been frantic with worry and speed dialing your number a bunch of times. Instead, I sent you an email since I had not heard from you the previous week.

"Hi AesB, Hmm, indeed. You definitely were in my thoughts this morning as I drove to work. We are having some major rain and I was thinking about how difficult this must be for bus riders, and I was happy that you were not sitting at a drenched bus stop. So, as a result of that thought, I was thinking I would email you to just check in and see how you are doing.
Apparently I inadvertently hit your number as I was struggling to find a number to retrieve my phone messages. I am changing my phone system and you'll probably remember that I am technologically challenged. But Freud would say there are no accidents, so who knows. Maybe subconsciously I did want to know that you are okay, and truly, I do. Consciously. So how are you doing?

Yes the video was useful and I do thank you for sharing it. I'm working on your special event. I could easily make that first date but the new one presents a problem because that is the regular meeting time of an organization I belong to. I'm the person in charge of the program and I'm hoping to find someone to cover for me so I can attend your event. Your event is a seriously big deal! I'd love to be there if I can swing it. - MLK"

PS: I am doing fine. I will mention that your response to the video was just down right weird. It wasn't meant to be useful (I get it you don't work in attachment therapy), it was meant to be funny. FM thought it was hilarious. You still need a little work yet.

2 years ago, [edit to remove graphic SH info]
"there's no one for me to call"
is there now?
would you be there?
are you there?
i wish you were my real daddy
and i was really just a child
i wish i could curl up on the sofa with you and watch a movie
i wish i could fall asleep with you in the next room (i used to say that about S...i wish i could say it about you with as much of myself as i was able to say anything about him)
i wish i'd met you first
i wish i'd attached to you first
i wish you could've been there
i wish you could've protected me from him
do you know how many times i wished he could've protected me?
and all that time, i needed to be protected from him
how do i know that's not the truth now too?

Is it Tuesday yet? How sad has my life become, that I get most excited all week for the 1 hour I get to be with you.... sigh....

You are still a lot on my mind, ma'am.

why can't i just be happy...if you were here you'd know how to answer that

I'm a ginger my t is a ginger with a ginger beard . One time we were mistaken for brother and sister lol

Heyyyyy ummmm
Are u dead

Oh gosh that's awkward lol

It was, yes
Lol

(Trigger warning) Yeah I was on the fence about emailing you. I knew I shouldn’t have expected a reply. I guess when my r****t messages me I shouldn’t need your support.