Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

I don't think I'd like a one on one therapy retreat because that might drive my T over the edge and she'd never want to see me again. I mean, I don't like spending 24 hours with myself, so why should she?

I cant even sense the part that shuts me down. It seems to be a ninja part. I hope you have some ideas from your wonderful training about how to speak with it.

I'm with you and the snow. I'm barely holding off on not calling T.

Yeah, in response to his email about rescheduling, I asked if I could send him something. Nothing. I'm feeling like nothing more than a job to him today. It kinda hurts.

We've got the video visit down, but I'd rather see her in person.

Ouch.

.........................!

If I remembered ****, I could actually talk with you about it. But I don't. I just have my sister's words. Maybe you should be her therapist and I should **** Off.

I don't remember the bad. And I don't remember the good too!

She talked about picnics and outings. A better time. I know there's photos but I have NO MEMORIES.

Dear Terminator T,

I shall put on my big girl panties and turn up for my session tomorrow.

I have to reschedule again. I hope u get back to me within a reasonable time ...

Patch is in surgery. My anxiety is high. I wish I could hug you

Next time I see you, the religious festival that triggers the crap out of me will be four weeks away. I cannot count. Thank you for understanding today, it was good to have you validate my 'WTF' perspective on H. 'You usually take a couple of weeks off'

Sure, I go on holiday to Hell for a fortnight. Fun, fun, fun.

Thinking of you right now DP! I hope everything goes smoothly.

Making myself paranoid over here

Dear T,
Well, I've made it to the halfway point from when I last saw you and when I'll be seeing you next. And I've managed not to contact you! (OK, I did contact MC, but that's still not contacting you...) Trying to work on the journaling and other support people in my life. Even seeing a friend yesterday and NOT talking about any of the therapy stuff or other major stressors--aside from shared parenting laments--was really helpful. I think being outside in the nice weather helped as well--you picked the wrong week to leave town! I do kinda miss you, but in an "it would be nice to talk to you about some of this" way, not in a "Oh God, I don't know if I can handle this without you..." sort of way. (So far at least!)
Hope you're doing well and still alive,
LT

There are certain times I wish I could just talk to you and make sense of things. This is one of them.

You do my head in.

Ugghhhhh say something

Im sure whoever wrote that song 'Say something (Im giving up on you) was referring to therapy.

Dear Terminator T,

I have decided no more floor, we will sit in chairs today. The sad thing is, you will see that as progress when really its a big F U.

(Does anyone else read their own posts and think who is this crazy person?)

That song is for my former Therapist

I keep forgetting to say that your T saying that txt was intrusive was a ****** thing to say. You kept on topic of what is allowed (scheduling stuff) and it was within the appropriate time frame. Maybe he needs a work phone if he cant control leaving his ph alone if he doesnt want to be intruded upon

S (ExT),

Thank you for the really really really good FaceTime call. I miss you so flipping much. And I love you. Even when it hurts.

T,
I'm such a loser.

I made it through the day without pestering you.... look forward to texting tomorrow. I miss you, as always

Thanks. I think he was just trying to follow through on his promise to be up front with me instead of waiting till it was way too much. But it still hurt. I think what may have crossed the intrusive line is that I sent initial text around 9, requesting call, then at 9:30 texted “please?” Because I was in distress and knew 10 was his cutoff. But he didn’t specify that so maybe it was just texting at night in general? It’s just, he knows I’m sensitive about outside contact stuff because of what recently happened with MC. And “intrusive” is a rather triggering word for me..but he had no way of knowing that. Still he could have worded it differently, like “in the future, just email me if it’s after x time.”

I’m just scared that I thought I was following the rules (and he recently said I was doing fine with respecting his boundaries, even though I was worried). So If I was trying to follow rules and crossed line, after only 5 months, while with Ex-T and MC took years...of course I’m worried I’ll screw up and get terminated. I mean, he said he wasn’t mad and it was OK, but...clearly this is something I need to discuss with him more.