Dear T.....I Really Need To Tell You Something (But Don't Know How) Part XXIX

T, you're usually great, but I think whatever is going on in your personal life is throwing you off your game. I'm going to have to bring it up and it's going to be awkward, but we both know that I'm the one who's going to get (more) hurt if you keep having, shall we say, moments of misattunement. It's little things, things I would forgive or ignore if you were anybody else, but I need you to be who you've always been to do the work I need to do right now. If you can't be on your game with me, I'm going to have to scale back enormously on what I bring into session, not because I'm trying to take care of you, but because I need to protect me. It would be ideal if you could just get things together again and be present for me when I'm there. I trust you and I trust the process, but I also think this is really, really delicate right now.

I'm sorry you're going through this TMC.

I think S (stupid) is ex-T and C (caring) is the new caring and supportive T.

TMC - Am I right?

Dear T

We're past the point of no return and you made sure to remind me that you're still there and you didn't go away. Thank you.

@Elio - yes, that's it. (not TMC, but I remember from her earlier posts.)

You're right, I missed which T the post was to. I'm sorry, TMC...that's really awful for S to do that to you.. (I mean, it would have been awful either way, of course, I was just confused because I thought you'd seen C right after it happened.)

Dear Dr S,
This morning I was feeling really good and ok about your trip. I felt safe and secure in the knowledge that you'd be coming back so it wasn't a big deal.

Now, I'm back to wanting to beg you not to go. Nothing has changed in my life. Why can't I hold on to the good/ok feeling?

lol me and my confusing letters.
Yes, S, not C. C would never.

And I quote (from S):
"Why are you attracting purse burglars? Are you gonna be on Cops?"

...
as I said.
Get robbed.
I'll find it hilarious.

Correct
Except S now stands for s***head
I mean, it's also his real first initial though.

Ugh, that sucks... I'm sorry....

Whats wrong with him? Omg. Thats not even a little bit funny.

Many, many things.

I am always terrified of running into one of his other clients on here.

Dear T... I think I have been going between hypomania and depression. I think on top of BPD, I have Bipolar II. I can't say it though, not out loud. Because what if it's not true, what if saying it makes you think I'm even crazier than I am?

T,
Work is driving me mad. I can't take it anymore. I feel like I have it good there. I also feel like I am being taken advantage of. I'm getting intensely angry and am trying desperately to keep it to myself. I tried being assertive, but I ended up feeling bad about it. I am so, so intensely rageful. H tells me, work relationships should be just that, work. HELLO! I have an attachment disorder?!? This is in NO WAY a choice.

I don't feel safe at all. I hate everyone around me and just want to be left alone.

I called Pdoc, and of course, I get the condescending secretary, "So, you missed your appt?" me: yes. Her: Well, I'll see if she will send in a script for your meds. or not. GO ahead and charge me for a no show, I have no problem with that. But the last think I ****ing need is to have my meds. held over my head. H is not happy with me about this. He can go **** himself. You are the only one I trust right now, I don't even trust myself.

I feel so helpless. I want to just be me, I want to be my own agent instead of even caring what other people think. I feel like I'm being kinder to myself than other people and that is saying something. I hate this toxic environment. If one more person asks me to do something for them I am going to go insane. I just feel so devastated.

Anastasia have you thought of asking for a 90 day prescription so you only have to go through this 4 times a year. I have it for mail order and just renew on my tablet. Easy! Easy!! Worth a check with your insurance.

Deejay,
Thanks for this. I was getting a 90 day prescription, and I was only going every three months or so. This Pdoc is notorious for having a horrible front office, but my Pdoc always blamed me. The secretary said the next appt. I could get would be in May. I need to look for someone else, and have been thinking of doing this for a long time. I am fine with my current meds. and just need someone to write a script. I am so frustrated both with myself and my Pdoc (soon to be x Pdoc).

Since you are stable on your current medications, would your GP be willing to write you a script? Or is the Pdoc willing to give you enough meds to last until your next appointment? My husband is horrible about missing appointments. He's always having to call and beg for meds. They usually give them to him simply because some of that stuff just can't be quit cold turkey and they don't want to be sued. Another technique we use is that sometimes I call and beg for him. They seem to be less grumpy at me since I'm not the patient. Do you have anyone who could call for you?

That's all short term solutions though to get you through until you get another Pdoc. You deserve to see someone who is respectful of you and doesn't blame you.

I really hope my GP will be willing to write me scripts, I see her on Thursday afternoon. I am hoping my Pdoc will write me a script for at least the next thirty days so I can find someone else. If my GP is willing to write the prescriptions for me at least temporarily, I will do that but try to find a Pdoc who doesn't have a waiting list until May. My H has dealt with this Pdoc before, and is frustrated totally by her. It infuriates him. Thanks for the ideas.

That upset me

I'd rather not mess with psychiatrists at all if I can help it. I live in an area where there is a huge shortage of them anyway, so GPs are much more likely to give out psych prescriptions, especially if someone is stable on medication. I've been on the same thing for years, so they never give me any trouble. She refills it for a year usually.

Yay we get to color tomorrow! Should be fun.

C,

i really need you to respond...

i feel invisible...

did tonight even happen? did i dream it?

Same here. My GP has prescribed my antidepressant for over a decade now while I have only seen my T for a little over 2 yrs. My T is a pDoc, we did a trial run of her taking over my med management and it didn't feel good for me, so I went back to my GP.

I miss you so much, I wish you would get out of my head, but at the same time I don't want you to leave