[Mouse_]

I wonder will I ever be free of my fears of abandoment. Being adopted is only the begining of the pain. Having a terrible relationship with adoptive mother put into the mix and I just feel hopeless.

I stopped drinking almost 5yrs ago so that I could be the best mother I can be to my kids. I am in therapy so that I can be the best mother I can be to my kids.

Unyet tonight I feel a failure, the worse mother on this earth, I feel a great big bulls up.

I'm struggling in the relationship between me and one of my 14yr old twin daughter. She is everything I'm not, unyet everything that I am.

I know my kids are normal and being normal 14yr olds I am not the centre of their world. But I've just realised my self-esteem has been resting so heavy on how I feel they percieve me.

I am holding myself and them prisoner and thats not fair. Today I had a day planned for me and my twins to have some nice time together, but it went wrong. I went wrong. Something happened and I just lost it.

As I drove us home all I could think of was the desarterous relationship I had with adoptive mother, especially the age my girls are. All that kept going through my mind was the 3yrs I've been in T, shouldn't I be better than this?

All I could think of was doing something different then the way it was done between me and my adoptive mother, so I finally found the couraget to talk about what was going on for me in the car driving home.

I told "E" my daughter that I am afraid she doesn't like me and my greatest fear is that they will all leave me. But then I felt I was doing what my adoptive mother would do and manipulate me to make her feel good, so I also added finally that none of this was "E"'s fault, it was my stuff.

I felt like my narcissitic defences had been broken through, that all I could feel was the pain of my greatest fear and the redundency of using false defences. The illusion that I am a wonderful perfect mother, even though I kid myself I am content being just good enought, but dig that bit deeper and I found I am not as confident and brave as I pretend to be.

I even spoke to my husband and he doesn't get it, he was aobut to tell me that they'll just being their age, and I stopped him and said I KONW THAT! don't you get it? Its me, my total incapacitating fear of abandoment.

Oh I'd give anything ot be in the safety of T's room!

My daughters have gone out with friends tonight. I really need to find a middle ground, or else I will end up hating those that I believe I depend upon the most, my kids and thats not good! If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I am free of this absolutely paralysying fear of being left! Its hell.

I'm hoping that feeling the intensity of this today will some how lead me to a path of better healing. We cannot heal that which we cannot feel??

(please no lectures on whats normal for kids, I know this, its the insanity that is killing me)

[Soidhonia]

Hello (((MOUSE))). I admire your honesty with yourself and your children. It is very inspiring to see that you communicate so well with your children in a truthful manner, and you are willing to be the best mother you can be by getting the therapy you need for them to have a more secure mother. take care Mouse. Soidhonia.

[Perna]

I think it is about "experiencing" and sitting with your feelings (which I know you know about). You can't have known you'd feel this way before you "tried" it/leveled with your daughter. You couldn't/can't get free until you know and experience your bondage?

I would try to remember too that it is the fear of abandonment that you are afraid of, not the actual experience (which you haven't had from your daughter yet and may not get; can't tell). You lived through the abandonment of your mother and are "fixing" that in therapy and now you probably have a good 2-6 years to get over your fear. . . of abandonment by your children and be in a better position to cope with what actually does happen.

[Mouse_]

[chaotic13]

Mouse,

My children are not yet to their teen years, but the thought of them as teenagers scares me to death. Presently they are still willing to publicly acknowledge that I am related to them and are reasonably compliant. With my past, I am very vigilant in protecting them against any perceived threat and I know very soon I will have to give them more space to experience life and make their own mistakes and discoveries.

I know during their teen years I will some how be transformed from the safe, loving, 'finder of all things lost' person I currently am to them -->to the dumbest person on the planet who isn't remotely related to them. I know it is coming. Presently my 10 yr old still smiles and give me a small hug when I pick him up after school--but he is already starting to look over his shoulder at his peers.

I don't know how I am going to deal with this transition. I'm sure it is going to hurt a lot. Especially since at the moment my children are the only people I can truly and confidently say that I unconditionally love. They are the only ones who really have the ability to affect me deeply. I hope I can prepare myself for this stage in their life and still remain open and loving towards them.

I fear not only their abandonment but also my tendency to retreat when facing emotional pain. I'm afraid that I won't be there for them when they need my unconditional love most.

I guess we just have to have faith that this stage will pass and they will eventually warm back up to us. Unfortunately, for me my mother passed away before she could see me come full circle.

[MissCharlotte]

((Mouse))

Ok, but what about what's normal for mothers? How about what's normal for mothers in therapy? Or mothers in therapy who were abandoned by their mothers?

I hope you can cut yourself a little slack. The difference between you and your adoptive mother is that you are recognizing your baggage and taking the necessary steps toward establishing healthy relationships with your children.

No one has a perfect relationship with their teens and many of us mothers have "issues" that we bring to the parenting table. When we lose patience because of our issues then we are displaying our human side. When we explain our anger/explosiveness/acting out to our chldren then we are showing them that healing is possible. It's all we can do because as you know, children learn more from modeling than from anyone else.

So, when life gets difficult for your kids, it will feel normal for them to reach out for help because of your example. Good job, mom.

Take care.

[ECHOES]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I told "E" my daughter that I am afraid she doesn't like me and my greatest fear is that they will all leave me.

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Mouse, I think that says" I care if you like me and I care how our relationship is going". That tells her you care and value this relationship that is about 2 people-- who both have feelings, hopes, expectations, needs. I think that's so wonderful to share with your daughter!

[Mouse_]

Thanks for all the great replys! I do feel better this morning. I guess a lot of what is hurt is my pride also. Plus I feel scared that maybe my adoptive mother struggled with some of the pain I am experiencing andI couldn't or wouldn't see that. I struggle with guilt about cutting her out my life. But then I guess I am not my adoptive mother and perhaps if she had admitted how she felt scared about my leaving her instead of accusing me all the time, then we could have worked through our stuff?? Some part of me feels its weakness to admit to a child how I the "adult" is feeling?? that I should be in total control at all times? But saying that, if my adoptive mother had admitted to her "weaknessess" then I would have grown toward her and not away from her. We can't work with what we dont know. Plus any breakdown in communication when I was growing up, was turned into a major event. It was like the world as I knew it stopped. All communication at home stopped and there was a period of suffering one was made to experience before they were accepted back into the fold. Then the cycle would begin all over again.

[Mouse_]

I talked to "E" today like normal. It felt a bit uncomfortable at first. But I felt she was needing me to do the parenting here. I actually felt like a mother and her the 14yr old that needs an example. Hopefully this will be ok. SHe went out shopping with her friends today and text me later to say is it ok if her boyfriend comes round on his new moped? I replied "yup" She replied "Thanx's mum, kool x" LOL! I guess we survived.