[LearningMe01]

If and when you cry? This may seem like a silly question, but I'm really curious. See, I'm not really a "crier" unless it's in front of the people who are closest to me. For a long time I tried to keep my T out of that "close to me zone" (a defense mechanism) I've finally accepted that she means a lot to me and I am about as comfortable as a person can be when I'm around her (except for the romantic feelings on my part, which are always there, but do not seem to get in the way of the session)I've told her how much I care about her, in the most sincere way possible. Since then, it's been easier for me to cry in front of her. I don't mean just a tear or two streaming down my cheek...full on crying.

I don't know what I expect her to do...but she just kinda sits there and looks at me. Don't get me wrong, she always has a very concerned look in her eyes, but it feels strange sometimes, sitting there crying in front of someone. I wonder if it's awkward for her as well? Or maybe her silence is her way of respecting my feelings and letting me express them without interruption?

This isn't something that's a huge deal, just something I noticed tonight and I'm interested in hearing ways other T's react.

[sweepy62]

I have a problem with crying in front of any t I hold it back and it can get in the way of my healing but I just learned to hold it in and trust me it's painful

I'm not a 'crier' either and it distresses me greatly when I do. My T just sits and stares at me which I find rather like I'm being ignored.(When I was little my mum used to ignore my crying) This causes a severe reaction in me after therapy. I am going to bring it up next session.

[critterlady]

My T doesn't react when I cry. He doesn't comfort me, since providing comfort would not help me express my emotions. He empathizes with whatever emotion I have that causes my tears.

Come to think of it, though, my crying is always just tears falling. I've never sobbed in front of him. I don't know what he would do if I sobbed.

[Moodswing]

Yeah mine has never done anything either. Once he said....in the most concerned voice ever....it is ok MoodSwing. I did not expect it to be as comforting as it was. It feet like a warm glow starting small in my abdomen and then growing. I am not use to being consoled when crying. Usually I do it in hiding anyway.

[LearningMe01]

Originally Posted by critterlady

My T doesn't react when I cry. He doesn't comfort me, since providing comfort would not help me express my emotions. He empathizes with whatever emotion I have that causes my tears.

Come to think of it, though, my crying is always just tears falling. I've never sobbed in front of him. I don't know what he would do if I sobbed.

That's pretty much what I was thinking. I suppose crying can be a good thing, and she's trying to let me express the way I feel. And yes, she always empathizes with the emotions also (or sympathizes with things things she doesn't understand)

He gives me the space to cry generally. Sometimes he will ask me to put the tears to words. That is more when the crying is pulling me into dissociation (hard to explain). I can get very "lost" in my tears and there is a fine line for me where if I go too far, it is very hard to find my way back. T is pretty attuned to seeing the difference and helps me get grounded before I am too far gone.

[Leah123]

My therapist and I do online chats and sometimes phone chats. When I tell her I'm crying, she tells me a few different things:

She sometimes says she'll hold my tears, which I think is her way of embracing my pain and sharing it with me, trying to unburden me.

She sometimes tells me just to take my time and cry, that she's there with me. She wants me to feel comfortable getting out all my tears and says tears are healing (sometimes I agree, sometimes I dont)

I asked her recently if I could have a virtual hug, and was so relieved and pleased when she said she liked hugs and would send me one whenever I asked, so if I'm having a hard time, I've just started asking for a hug on occasion.

In general is very sympathetic.

...gives me a tissue or lots of them.
the best is that T takes them back, snot and all ...and throws them away.

[stopdog]

I have never cried in front of a therapist and I don't plan on doing so. But the woman, who was once on a kick to get me to cry, used tell me she would stay back and promised not to touch me if I ever did. Of course, she has never kept a promise she has made thus far, so I would not be surprised if the supposed assurance was mere hyperbole.

[retro_chic]

I have never shed a tear during my 2.5 years of therapy. I told my last T that I thought there was something wrong with me because I can't cry in a session. She said it was completely normal and everyone expresses themselves differently. She told she even has clients who have to opposite problem and wish they could stop crying.

Anyway, I think if I did cry my T would have acted in a similar way you have all described.

[growlycat]

I have had T's that just sit there and watch when I cry--I really really really hate that. It seems kind of cold to me. It actually makes me feel a little agressive.

My main T has done different things when I cry like sit next to me or even hold me, but the norm is to sit and look at me too but at least I feel like he cares, because he has been willing to other things in the past, other than sit and look at me.

Health T has invited me to cry, which is interesting. I didn't feel like crying at the time. Wondering if he would do anything differently. Sometimes he will hand me stuff and our fingers touch and I get antsy about that. Is he testing my tolerance for being touched? Or is it just not a big deal to him? Everything feels like I'm being scoped out because our relationship is pretty new

[feralkittymom]

Or maybe her silence is her way of respecting my feelings and letting me express them without interruption?

^This.

I never cried as a child. It just wasn't safe. My mother was of the "I'll give you something to cry about" school of parenting.

I very unexpectedly burst into tears in my first session. And not critterlady's genteel trail of tears: full-on gasping, nose running, red-faced sobs . Interspersed with apologizing.

He got up and moved the box of tissues to the arm of my chair from the table next to me, sat down, and very softly said that maybe I needed to cry and that it was safe to cry there.

I think my trust began in that moment.

I have 2 Ts...the first is really very empathetic overall and is always ready to hand me a tissue...or 3. He has "welled-up" himself on several occasions when I have gotten really upset, although not actually cried.

My newer T and I have an interesting relationship in that he says he can relate a lot to things I have been through, and he uses a lot of self-disclosure with me, which I find SO helpful because all my other Ts I have known nothing about and have never ever related to me like that. He says we are doing a form of "relational-psychodynamic" therapy which is fine with me...I wanted to see him specifically because I knew his therapy was psychodynamic-based. Anyway, I digress ALOT.

When he "welled-up" the other day he said he felt embarassed and like he should apologize, and I found myself, who was already crying, saying, "Oh, it's ok, Dr. My Other T does that all the time. Don't feel embarassed, it's ok." Anyway, I thought it was interesting he felt embarassed about it, and there I am crying and telling him it's okay for him to "feel his feelings." I guess it must not happen much to him? On Tuesday when I started to cry he got a bit upset (for me, that I was that upset) and stood up to bring me tissue and began patting at my face for me (I felt like a monkey being groomed, lol) and said, "I don't want to mess up your...." I only had a bit of eyeliner on, but I said, "It doesn't matter, really." That was an interesting experience though.

I never cried once in front of my ex-T. But we had a lot of complicated transference issues going on. Although my life was honestly a lot different back then, I wasn't depressed, and I am not sure if I COULDN'T cry in front of him, which was what he thought, and perhaps could be true, or if I just didn't need to.

My T invites me to cry, She often stares at me in which I find annoying but I can see the concern in her face.

[Bloem]

I've never cried infront of a T. Sometimes I think I'm gonna cry but it never happened. my T encouraged me to cry but I cry not easy, I start to laugh. recently I cried on the phone while talking with my t, I forget her reaction but it felt ok.

Bloem

[SkinnySoul]

He offers tissues or a glass of water. I deny both. Then he stares at me and says something comforting.

I hate crying in front of him. When I do, I usually cover my face with both hands and wipe my tears away with my fingers.

["Tilly may"]

both my T and Pdoc shove a box of kleenex in front of me at the first sign of a tear.

Lately it seems I haven't had a session where I'm not crying. I'm not entirely sure about T's reaction because I'm too terrified to look at her, but when I do catch a glimpse she's usually got a sympathetic look on her face, which makes me feel not as alone.
Since crying is pretty much par for the course these days, T and I generally just continue with our session through the tears. Sometimes she is silent, but she can also be silent when I'm not crying - I think she's giving me time to say things. I do get the feeling she is sometimes staring at me, which makes me nervous, but at the same time makes me feel cared about.
Continuing the session while I cry makes the crying seem a bit more acceptable somehow. She rarely comments on my crying - in fact, I don't think she ever has. Once at the end of the session I noticed the tissue box was empty (it had been since the start of our session), and asked if she had more anywhere. She apologized and mentioned there were probably some in the reception area or I could use the restroom nearby. A big part of me wished she would have gotten some for me. I also have a fantasy of her coming to sit with me while I cry, to hold me, provide a hug, or a gentle touch, to let me hold her hand for a moment.
Yeah, I guess I have I thought a bit about the crying thing a lot.

[tinyrabbit]

This is a really interesting question. It's not silly at all. I think it's such an individual thing - one person's idea of an uncaring response is what someone else wants. And I think what we want at these moments often relates back to childhood.

My parents didn't allow me to be upset. My dad was more of the "I'll give you something to cry about" view while my mum would ignore me, talk over me or tell me not to be upset. I don't have any memories of being comforted or of my feelings being accepted. I've told my T that I feel really abandoned and neglected if he doesn't pass me the tissues, so he does now when I cry.

I tend to hide behind my hands when I cry. If I look at him, his compassionate expression always comes as something of a shock, as it's not what I'm expecting to see.

The one thing I really need is some kind of acknowledgement that I'm crying, even if it's just the look on his face. For a while, I was convinced he didn't notice or care and actually fantasised about getting him to hold up a sign when he could see that I was crying. But I don't feel he's ignoring me if he sits and looks at me, that makes me feel too seen and too scrutinised. I would feel ignored if he got up and did something else or talked casually while I cried.

My therapist and I hug when I cry. I don't feel so alone. She lets me know its okay to cry, and sometimes gives a voice to my tears (Gestalt technique). Her holding me doesn't stop the tears. The sense of safety allows them to flow freely. In the beginning of therapy, I scheduled a special session, because I wanted to cry. And, I thought hat would be it. Now, I can even cry happy tears.

[Perna]

It might be an idea to discuss (when you are not crying, talk about it with curiosity :-) as different people have different reactions as you give example of and I think people cry differently too; I keep talking when I am crying, which delighted my husband; his first wife would just cry hard and he felt "stuck"/helpless to do anything with that? I keep working, keep talking, listening and still acknowledge I'm scared or angry or sad, etc. The tears are, hopefully, just the physical expression of what I am verbally expressing.

[growlithing]

I've never full on cried in a session. I think I might have shed a tear in my last session in May but the weird thing is that I honestly don't really remember. I know I didn't straight up bawl.

If I were to start crying, I'm not really sure what I'd want her to do. Part of me would want her to like sit next to me or something, but I know if she did that in real life I would be really seriously uncomfortable. I feel like if she were to just sit there and say nothing, I would be very embarrassed and worried that I was annoying her.

[boredporcupine]

The first time I cried really hard in therapy, when I looked up from sobbing, I saw my T had her hand stretched out to me. I held her hand for a moment and then I had to tell her she could let go because she was still holding on

[The_little_didgee]

She always offers me some Kleenex. Usually, she lets me finish crying and then we discuss whatever upset me further.