Therapists who reassure and get it wrong

Eh, these types of statements are hits or misses. Really about a 50-50 for me. Today's - not really at all.

That reassures me about myself.

My ex therapist would say "Oh, you handled that really well. I think it was just the way to phrase it, instead of saying..." I guess that's reassurance, though I hadn't asked. It was not that often and it always made me feel good about myself. Does that make me pathetic?

ONe time near the start of therapy my mum was coming to stay with me, and my T kept saying "It's ok. Just remember, you will get through this. You can call me any time that you need to." I was amazed, and I told him so. I coped with my mum for my whole life, with nobody to help me, and you've been on the scene for five minutes sunshine!

Now I think my T knows me a lot better, and also now he would typically reassure me about something I had just chosen to share with him, so we don't get this mismatch about what either of us thinks I might need reassurance about. I can understand being driven up the wall that if the mismatch kept occurring.

wow incredible

My T once tried to reassure me and it went horribly wrong. Afterwards he said "when will I learn, reassurance is never reassuring."

I see. I should probably read things better before I post....

It seems people here are pathologizing it too.

About what it is--Reassurance for me is just quelling a fear. Fear including anxiety fear. People here are assigning it different meanings, and that is mine. I noticed some therapists consider it 'stating what is already known'. That I do not like in particular.

Yeah, when it's done badly it can be cheesy and can actually backfire badly. At worst, it can leave me feeling manipulated and that gets in the way of progress.

Stopdog,

I've read many of your posts, and it's clear that you need something different from your therapy than what the majority of other therapy clients need. I think that's one mistake your therapists have made with you (assuming that what helps most other clients will also help you in the same way).

The only thing that I can think of that might change this situation is for you to be very candid and clear about what you want and do not want from them. You are very candid here. Are you just as candid when you are in therapy?

I've occasionally had my therapist respond in ways that she thought would be helpful, when it actually made things much worse for me. When that happens, we have to talk about it, sometimes several times, until I'm sure that I have conveyed my feelings to her sufficiently that she understands why her response was not helpful.

I have also had to come right out and ask for what I need at times, even when I feel that it should be obvious to her by now. It surprises me sometimes to find out that she has misinterpreted something I've said, when I believe I've made my point clearly.

I am extremely direct and clear with therapists. That is not the problem for me.

I simply wondered if others experienced what I do.

I assumed you were probably blunt with them, like you are on here.

It's normal for people to misunderstand one another sometimes. But to have the constant experience of my therapist not being in tune with my present experience or my needs would be frustrating beyond belief.

Nope. I think it make you human. I think most of us like to hear something good about ourselves...especially if we believe it.

Yeah, well there is a lot of social science research that suggests that when we hear flattery, it "works" as in it enhances our view of the flatterer, even when we don't actually believe their buttering-up words. See here. Even obviously manipulative comments are surprisingly effective:

https://www.scientificamerican.com/a...l-get-you-far/

I think that's kind of disturbing in some ways but maybe Stopdog has a really fine-tuned b.s. detector. Maybe other people who are on the receiving end of flattery don't want to hear it, don't believe it and to paraphrase Groucho Marx, don't want to be in a club that would have them as a member!

Simply liking to hear nice things about oneself or saying nice things about another person is not pathological. We have evolved to live in social groups and social niceties make that easier. It builds relationships.

Also when you are learning a new skill (as some of us are in therapy) it helps to hear when we do something right as well as when we do something wrong. I supervise a number of people at my job. I've been doing it for years. I find that people learn more quickly when I tell them when they do something right as well as when they make a mistake. Am I doing it for manipulative purposes? Not really. I don't necessarily need them to love me. I just need them to do the job.

But when the flattery is insecure...or inappropriate as in "you did a good job on that" when you really didn't, I don't think it works as well. It makes people mad because they feel like you are trying to manipulate them.

Mine doesn't really reassure me.

I find her appropriately and successfully reassuring. Sorry you don’t get that. It’s nice, sometimes, to get additional support from someone who knows you well, I think.

Just my opinion.

"Don't worry, you're not the only one who feels this way..."
"What you're feeling is completely understandable, you just experienced X..."
"The feelings you have are completely normal..."
etc.

Of course this is just my opinion, these statements may comfort others. But they would not comfort me. I don't care if I am or am not the only person who feels a certain way. How others feel does not affect how I feel. I don't care if my feelings are normal or understandable. So I do not want to hear those reassurances, I want to work through the problem.

This was very much the case with my 1st T. He has a tendency to be very dogmatic and project the same kind of *** onto everyone. I think it can fit many people but was completely irrelevant and inaccurate with me. He tried to reassure me about things that did not even exist in me and then got upset and twisted it further when I complained and criticized it.

The other T was much better at providing tailored support and stopped saying things when I pointed out they were unnecessary. He was reassuring with his consistency, reliability and generally positive attitude and this worked much better for me.

For me, the problem with reassurance from a T can be twofold: when they miss the mark and reassure something that is not even there, and when their overall presentation and work ethic is such that I lose respect for them. Reassurance can sound irritating and condescending from someone I don't have much respect for and who repeatedly demonstrates a lot of hypocrisy and low standards.

You hit the nail on the head! My therapist doesn’t usually try to reassure me, In fact sometimes I wish she would a bit more! The one thing she has done though from time to time is attempt to normalize my experiences. I’ve heard “ that’s perfectly normal to have those feelings” or “ everybody” this or everybody that “... it takes away from MY experience which is quite invalidating.

Flattery isn't reassurance. Flattery is flattery.
Bs isn't reassurance. Bs is bs.

If a therapist uses flattery and bs, they are not using reassurance.

I don't think it is quite that black and white. One can be reassured by flattery and the therapist can be ********ting and if the client believes it -be reassured by it.