Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Thank you for holding my every other week appointment this upcoming week, even though I told you incorrectly I'd be out of town, and thanks for getting back to me so quickly that it was available.

I am fully in charge of asking to be seen more frequently, and I know you would find a spot for me every week as soon as you could. I can't decide if that's what I want, as I think I'm mostly doing fine with this every other week thing I've been doing for the past year or so. It makes me think that perhaps I will end therapy one day, which seems like it could be a good thing (you will retire before I'm ready to do that, probably). On the other hand, I think therapy for the foreseeable future to manage stress and exposure to other people's traumas may just be the continual self care that I need.

I notice I'm not panicking at the idea of you retiring before I'm ready to quit and that the idea of quitting "someday" doesn't feel terribly painful like it did once.

I ran into the boy who ghosted me last year in the lunch hall. I didn't even notice him at first- he was sat on the table behind us. I only noticed him after I walked back after grabbing a coffee. I mumbled a stupid "hey" back before running away.

Well you already know all about him. I loved him and he just cut me out after 9 months, because he didn't like the feeling of someone getting attached to him.

You're too close to me R and I can't stand it, but I don't want to hurt you and be like him instead of being strong enough to face all the painful things.

So this time makes it the fourth time I've officially quit. But I know you will always take me back. xD

I'm getting a little concerned I won't be able to see you on Wednesday

Dear MC,
Thanks for today's session. You were kinda channeling Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting in the end there the way you kept repeating "You're not too much"...but I think it got through to me. You're really good at speaking to the needy child part of me...and telling her all the stuff she should have been told as an actual child... But I know we can't keep seeing you forever just because of that. I need to figure out how to speak to her myself...Hope T can help me get there. See you in 2 weeks.
Love you,
LT

I think you lied to me when you said we would definitely have a phone call this week. I know that I got greedy and said that I would rather we figure out a way to meet in person because of what's going on between us, but I think you have no intention of ever having a session with me again. If you did, I feel like you would have responded to my text telling you that I had to work late two days this week and that I would be willing to make the drive to your office if you were willing to stay late one of the other three because talking to you about this stuff is important to me.

Did you reschedule me to fit in another client...

Im going to ask you.

I am completely and totally lost. And it doesn't matter. Nobody even realizes I'm gone.

****ing weather. More fool me, thinking I 'needed' this week's session. Apparently the Universe disagrees. Still hoping to be able to see you on Thursday, but I suspect it will take a miracle.

Lots of empathy from this side of the thread

Bubbles,

If you ruin my Friday night I'm going to be so pissed. I'm very excited about D&D. We're on our way to go fight a dragon! Don't ruin it by doing something like a safety contract or...basically anything other than letting me talk and you listen.

I miss you and can't wait to see you tomorrow.

Did you know you're my favorite person ever? I couldn't do any of this without you.

When I was packing for the move and throwing away lots of stuff, I really felt like I was a slightly different person. It was easier for me to let go of stuff, even things with sentimental value. I thought to myself: why attach sentiment to objects? They're just things.

Dear T,
Nervous to see you tomorrow. Pretty sure you wouldn't be able to live up to MC today (that's a pretty high bar)...but I hope we have a good session. I hope I feel connected to you and like you understand me. I just have to figure out which of like 50 things I want to talk about...Kinda hope I can see you Friday, too, since that will give us a chance to talk about some more stuff on that list.
LT

i am so nervous to talk about feelings about you again, it hasn't gone well before but I think it's needed. I am either gonna chicken out or ruin everything most likely. sigh

I really wish I could find a newbie d&d group where I'm at. Have fun, Daisy!

Dear Terminator T,

Am I ever going to get it through my thick skull that you cant give me what I want?

Maybe lines will help....

You cant give me what I want
You cant give me what I want
You cant give me what I want
You cant give me what I want
You cant give me what I want

AbusivePDoc- you tried to scare me with your crank phone calls.

You are an asshole! I don’t forgive you! YOU DON’T SCARE ME!

T - You've hurt me and scared me.

I can't wait to hug you today, and it's gonna be such a nice day for a walk, wahoo!

Can I text you again for no reason at all?

I feel like I will never be OK again after this...

It’s possible I am pushing through solid rock
in flintlike layers, as the ore lies, alone;
I am such a long way in I see no way through,
and no space: everything is close to my face,
and everything close to my face is stone.

I don’t have much knowledge yet in grief
so this massive darkness makes me small.
You be the master: make yourself fierce, break in:
then your great transforming will happen to me,
and my great grief cry will happen to you.

Rainier Maria Rilke - 'Pushing Through'

Well it turns out I'm the asshole and I'm sorry

Ugh I can’t believe I sent you that Kristen bell video about therapy.
I warned you that it might be “too much”

Crickets. You haven’t responded. Eek did I finally cross a line??

sorry i had to laugh, i found that video so funny. I think my T would laugh but he also never respond to my link i sent on fri either, i always worry I've pushed the limits. its scary how we never know what the limit is

Yeah this line, while hilarious, may have overshot his tolerances:

“...and objectively, you’re attractive. But that’s neither here nor there.”

(Facepalm)