Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

If it helps, I am absolutely Kristen Bell in that video (to an uncanny degree), and my T still thought the video was "funny and adorable" when I sent to to her. I don't think our therapists are generally as distressed by our intense feelings as we are.

I'm sweating already, see, I told you, I can't do emotions. I am so nervous this will backfire like the others, I don't think I can say anything

Dear T,
Thanks for a good session today. You seemed attuned, connected, and compassionate.

Though I am still terribly confused by the nuances of your texting boundaries. You had to realize when you were explaining it more to me how confusing they are, right? Seriously, you need a "text vs. e-mail vs. wait till next session" flowchart on your website or something...
Maybe see you Friday?
LT

That sounds annoying. The text/email thing.

My t is the same way lol
"No texting Me! "
T texts me

Me: confused

Dear T,

Thank you for The Lion The Witch Wardrobe thought, and for being happy with me and letting us talk about some current topics instead of grappling with the past to the point of tears. It was nice to push open the old doors to the busy street, and not be self conscious and red-eyed.

Therapy can be so hard, I lose track of why it's worth it now and then. There is so much suffering, and you are so present in session and so remote and vanished once it's over, that I start associating you with the anguish itself, rather than its overcoming.

It is needed and nice to have a session like we used too, with affection and respect and a more normal range of feelings.

You want therapy to be such a mystery, and for no one to look behind Oz's curtain, or research or read textbooks or go on educated forums as if a magic trick were being performed that would no longer dazzle the audience if understood in its technical workings. Why do you feel this way?

Best, Esme - with love and a little less squalor

Bubbles,

I may now have to choose between D&D and therapy. I imagine that the responsible decision is to choose therapy, but we're going to the dragon lair!

it's too much...
i'm not going to survive this

Thank you for being so incredible tonight with my ILY confession. I was scared to death but you stepped up and handled it amazingly well considering how our last issue went.

It feels uncomfortable and scary still but it's nice knowing you know and I haven't made you run for the hills. Like I can actually tell you ILY if I want and it's gonna be ok.

T,

I think of you often.

When I'm so overwhelmed that I feel paralyzed all I can do is think of you. Wishing that I was near you.

When the day is over and I'm lying in my bed and the loneliness and my past creeps up on me, all I wish is that you were next to me with your arms wrapped tightly around me. Don't worry, it's not romantic. It's not sexual. It's a chaste comfort that I seek. A protector. To know that someone else is keeping guard. I fall asleep with these thoughts.

I feel so close to you now. I'm going to roll around in this feeling and enjoy it while it lasts. Thank you for being so patient with me and so accommodating!

I love you.

I want your strength. Sometimes I'm so afraid that I will leave you with nothing.

I can see you too. You try to hide, but I can see you too.

I am tired of pretending that I don't need you as much as I do.

I wish I could see you every week instead of every 2 weeks. I'm struggling so much. But I can't afford to see you more often. It hurts. Even if you offered to reduce your fee, I would say no. I refuse to sit across from someone who's doing me a favor.

I need you so very much. I wish I could breathe you in and erase all the bad.

You've broken every promise to me you ever made. What's worse is being retraumatized and having no support. You took my support system away as well. Seems everyone has taken from me in this life. Including you.

Well that's as close as you could possibly come to saying "don't come" without actually saying "don't come". Rationally i know it's concern for my safety on treacherous roads but still...

Thank you for posting this. Rilke is my favorite poet.

I love the lines. . . Who shows a child who she really is? . . Who has twisted us like this, so that we always take the shape of someone saying goodbye?

Wow...I've never come across those before. Beautiful.

----

How the **** am I supposed to do this? It was bad, now it's getting worse....and now there's ****ing snow. So I won't see you.

I know I made you do this. I'll try to go away and leave you alone.

Anna--your freaking therapist... Have you talked to him? Are you okay?

Everything is so overwhelming. I need you.

Today's going to be our last in-person session for a while. 5.5 weeks, I think.

If I told you I love, would it be too much? Do we have the kind of relationship where I can do that?

Go for it, I did it, I was so scared I nearly threw up but I am so glad I did.

Not okay...but...don't want to bother anyone. You all seem like really nice people and I feel like I did wrong by bothering you as much as I already have...

Hey. Thanks for saying hi this morning. I totally didn't even see you!!

You haven't done anything wrong. That's what this site is for...to talk about stuff that is bothering you with people who have experienced some of the same things. If it will help you even a little to share what is going on, I think you should.