Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Sorry you're struggling. I'm sure your little one knows he's loved. I can feel the love coming through in your post, so he must feel it, too. I worry about the same thing with my daughter, though, so I get it.

I wish I could wish you a Happy Birthday today and tell you that I love you. I missed seeing you this week and I feel that our connection took a hit. Can I have a hug on Tuesday. Please don't be angry at me for this week. I just couldn't come to session because I was too ill from not having my meds. The psych doctor screwed them up and I was the one who is paying. Anyway. Happy Birthday and I love you LOTS!!!!!!

I luff u

I know you're not a parent, but I think you understand the difficulty. I think you even understand why one wishes to be a better one. This is gun-renching and anxiety proliferating and both of those interfere with compassionate and supportive responses. Although every time I think I'm being supportive he says I'm not. Confusing and frustrating. I keep thinking that just loving him and making attempts to connect with him rather than what I'd like to do, which is put him in the car and drive him to the orphanage, will eventually be enough. Since there is not much else I can do, will set my temporary beliefs on that channel.

Hey, I thought I was the only person who said that

Dear former unethical therapist and mental health professionals,

How dare you hurt me when I was vulnerable. How dare you alter and falsify my health records and carry out smear campaigns against me. How dare you cover-up your malicious deeds. How dare you threaten me to stay silent and how dare you all fail to adhere to your ethical standards. How dare you gaslight me and make me feel like my perception is to blame. How dare you take advantage of your position of power and use it to destroy my credibility and my life. How dare you create years of pain and suffering and trauma. How dare you invalidate me and how dare you continue to work with vulnerable people and hide behind your public facade of do no harm. How dare you protect one another through lies and deceit and psychopathy. Look in the mirror you unethical pieces of gutter trash! Enough is enough. Time for a social movement.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

I've chosen to see you on the 20th instead of the 13th.

You've gone quiet on me, but every time I tell you to leave I hope you stay.

You must have planned an intense session, because you seemed hyper-focused when we said hello . My head is spinning ,and even my heartbeat seems off-kilter with adrenaline. After session, I brought mail to the bank instead of the post office - flustered. You have been babying me- but not today . It is paradoxical to dive so deeply into dark emotions, and yet keep in mind those emotions are never to be about one another. You brought up the topic that people who have affairs lose trust in others because they then know themselves not to be trustworthy. From where did that comment stem? Affairs are not part of my therapy. I said that affairs could be also boundaried spaces, and you had a moment of tears in your eyes. What was going on there? You once a long time ago explained how our relationship and all therapy relationships are artificial. My feelings are often real though. I'm confused if I can sustain this level of intimacy and being seen by you, with a lack of all real world feeling for you. I focus on my BF, and use all my imagination to stay in bounds of what and howI think you wantmeto feel. That you are a doctor treating patient- no more and no less. Today was messy though- I dont think it was me? We went ten minutes over for maybe the second time ,but you didn't slowdown the emotion,and I went out the old wooden doors of your building to the bright snowy streets kind of stunned like a bird who hits a window. In the end, your voice means so much to me in my life right now; does mine mean anything to you?

I am making a difference at work. I am really seeing progress and it is measurable. I am doing everything that I need to be doing while I am learning this new program. I am incrementally adding things to my repertoire, because I want to do this well. And the program is growing.

My social anxiety is proving to be a terrifying nemesis. It makes me think things are really bad, only to find out they are not that bad. It skews my thoughts and interpretations. It's so difficult to try to live in a world that doesn't make sense to me. It is horrifying to realize that you can't rely on yourself. Thankfully, I am not in that place now. I do feel compassion for myself because it is really scary and I really try to work through it to get through the other side. I didn't handle it perfectly, and I felt so much shame which is really upsetting. But, I can only do the best that I can at any given minute.

I'm going to relax, not think about work (except what I brought home to do), and just find something interesting to do with my H and D.

I really appreciate the support here, it helps me when I am in a dark place.

It feels like it will be forever before our next session. I guess I'm doing ok...ish.

I was really hurting last week. It was probably the most depressed I had been in 10 years. I emailed asking for another session. You said no openings. I emailed again. You said, 'hope we can discuss this next time.' Am I ever allowed to call?

I don't get it. You've offered FaceTime when one of us is away, but at a point when I am the closest I’ve come to an emergency crisis and all I get is, 'I hope we can discuss this next time'?

When I was leaving on Wed, feeling quite depressed, and you said, 'is there anything else I can do?' what exactly were my options?

I'm about to tell you the story when a former t literally responded to my disclosure on the phone

Possible trigger:

of imminent suicide

with 'let's discuss it next time.' Do you have any comprehension of what it is like to be in that dark place, even if it is many years later, looking down into the abyss? Are you pulling back because I am too much?

Thank you so much for not forgetting me again today, even though it was short.... I am glad you will let me call you Tues too if I need it.

I relate so much to this, the way there is invitation and beckoning to come closer when all is regular, but a pulling away went need is greater . What the heck are their jobs if not to lifeguard the hard times? I feel for your frustration and sense of betrayal, and have felt it bigtime once with my T.

This really struck me. I'm struggling with similar thoughts right now. I've told my therapist there's something bothering me but that I need to sit with it before I decide whether to tell him or not. Recently he suggested we need to do something different/more for me and it brought up some intensely negative emotions for me. When he said that, it's like a potent reminder that I'm just work for him, and wow that really hurts. I know what the reality of the relationship is, but I just really want to mean something to him. Over our holiday break, he wrote me a letter to help me get through the two week break. One of the things he said in the letter was "that even when we aren't meeting our relationship is carried with you at all times". I really want to ask him if that sentiment goes the other way too, but I'm afraid what the answer would be. I know he's said that he will think/has thought of me. Shouldn't that be enough?

WTF did you mean? You talk in double speak and I hate you. I'm so glad that I found a new T but it bums me out that I spend the whole time talking about you and how bad you turned out. I need to move on and talk about some new things but I'm sure that I'll be compelled to talk about your latest email again.

Not Happy with Your response...at the moment!

Me: “Hi FM,

I won’t let my mind process what you have said about getting through this last bit. You are correct on both counts.I read it twice but my brain won’t respond. Only the frighten adult-bodied child that used to be in your office with her right arm wrapped around your neck and my thumb in my mouth. I can’t even sustain the image to soothe myself. I also believe it is not what I really want. Yet, I am paralyzed to get this last piece done that I hope will free me from my past. This sucks! I only want it to be the way it was five-six years ago. I know you are not my therapist, but it has to do with the attachment piece and I feel I need you, but know I don’t. Unfortunately, I am in the mist of a five-year-old’s tantrum. F*^$ this Sh@#!!!! I did attempt to call, but chose not to leave a message because I am feeling so pathetic for the moment.

AesB”

Therapist: “Full adulthood is a scary place, eh?

They are the bumps that interfere with the smooth road, smooth transition.

There's no right or wrong. You decide you want to have your own life
badly enough to take this step, or you don't. You can choose to stop
your brain from processing, or you choose to allow it to do so, and
move on to the next step. A gift you give yourself now. Or later. Or
never. Only you have the power, and only you have the right to make
the choice.

Love you,
FM”

What a unproductive day I've had.

Thanks SalingerEsme. This can feel so isolating. It is not that I am saying I want to be a part of her life. I'm saying I want a professional to catch me during a mental health crash.

(((QuietMind)))

Conversion therapy is a really triggering topic for me too. I'm sorry your friend doesn't understand this. Sending you love and good vibes, and a reminder that you are valid and worthy of happiness just as you are.

FM,

I went to my old default, sleep, and that was not the answer.

I want what I know deep dow I really don't want. I am procrastinating. Maybe, its time to email MLk and let her play sweet gentle Mom. She finesses the edges while you drop the raw truth uncensored one me.

Debating if I should work through the night or adult, get a good nights sleep and get to work in the morning.

Bubbles,
Last night's session was the first that felt "normal." It wasn't an assessment, it wasn't Valentine's Day, and it wasn't a full 50 minutes of dissociation. So if that was what "normal" was, then I think we'll be okay.

RoboT,
Your continued existence in my psyche annoys me.

Woke up brokenhearted over our session yesterday- compartmentalizing that to go to work and not interact with clients the way you interact with me . Imagine telling them- hey clients, you're just my job, and many things are moreimgportant to me than your experience here today. That might be true in a few cases, but I really care about my clients overall and see the as people with meaningful life stories. Also, I am actively thankful they choose me and trust me when they have lots of choices. There is such a sense of you have about yourself of being the wizard, the Dumbledore , the guy who works a four day week instead of five bc he is just that good.

" Therapy is a medical procedure. I am the doctor, you are the patient." Esme's T

Dear FM,

Not what I wanted in a response! I want you to F*&$ING HOLD ME!!!

I am not into the philosophy of therapy. I am the dumb one, remember?

Me at 4:00 AM:
This is F^&#ing torturous!!!! I F@#&ING HATE IT!!!!…And I can’t do it. Tell me that it’s okay that I can’t do it FM.

Aide moi s'il te plait!

F^%$ing hate it.

One bright spot: I don’t hate me.

The little girl needs you...

10:00 AM ex therapist:

Hey my friend, it is neither okay nor not okay. It just is - you can
do it or you can't. It's about doing, not being. If you can't do
something then you can't do it (I cannot draw or paint landscapes even
marginally well,, although I sorely wish I could). Doesn't speak to
who you ARE.

Just make sure you have accurately identified 'it' - what is 'it' that
you hate, and can't do. I am most happy to hear that you have
identified that it is NOT you.

I think the significant part of the struggle here is that you have not
come to embrace the idea that it's enough for you to be acceptable to
yourself and whomever else accepts you as you are. You continue to
want to be acceptable to your family as you, i.e. not as the mother of
a 'medical student', or the earner of an honours degree. YOUR FAMILY IS NOT
CAPABLE OF GIVING YOU THIS. Yet you continue to see it as your failing
and not theirs and so you punish yourself for not being good enough.

Love you,
FM

SUCKS! SUCKS! SUCKS!

I see myself in for another unproductive day.

Why am I being so negative?

I have the power to walk myself out of this five-year-old tantrum.

An unsent email:

I can't wait until Tues when we can talk on the phone. I miss your voice.

Today I thought about what our first session in eight months will be like, I imagined me telling you how hard those eight months were for me and you asking me What coping mechanisms did you try to use?

And I realized... I don't think I've used any except maybe writing... I can't even remember any coping mechanisms that you taught me

I'm sorry I'm the worst client ever... when you see me again in August it will probably be like starting all over as if our first 1.5 years never happened