Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

Dear T....

I wanted to do CBT, you discouraged it. I do not think you are able to help me anymore. I make zero progress. If you cannot give me tools to help me, why do I just come there to complain about the same things.

I hope you still have that 11am today but prob not. It's ok though .

You're not bothering us! We're all here to talk about things and get support.

I think that's the great thing about having a community. People who feel moved by your story or who can relate will offer support. People who can't relate will just move along. I personally think your situation sounds incredibly stressful, Anna. Your therapist is being unprofessional and letting you down, and none of this is your fault. The client's job is never to support the therapist. You shouldn't have to control your feelings to accommodate him. Please do keep posting. People here are happy to support you. Many of us have had the feeling of being too much, but we often don't feel that way about other people. You aren't too much.

I ****ing despise who I am and my stupid need for reassurance. I dont have a ****ing clue on how to be a human being. I am constantly being onslaughted about doubts about myself manifesting in the need for reassurance. I hate who I am yey I keep letting down my hypervigilance. My emotions are nothing less than agents , weapons of mass destruction. This is ****ing hopeless. I have never been a viable human. This is just to much, way, way too much. Oh, let me put on the mask and go to work because I dont matter, at least not to myself. I feel like crying hysterically and then giving up. I CANT do this. But what else is there?

I am sorry for the dumb email, your response was dumber yet but I'm gonna ignore it and just bask in the awesomeness of last night's session.

Just seeing you on the screen...man. we need to talk more about the whole love and therapeutic purpose thing.

t, i hope you're ok and that you were just there for routine labs this morning. i'm sure we'll talk about it tomorrow, since we've never run into each other in public before.

So, now, after feeling much better and somewhat resolved, I feel embarrassment and shame in thinking about what a horrible dynamic I was acting out with said person we talked about. I am so ashamed This onslaught of emotions is so much to handle.

t, see, stuff like running into you this morning. i want to care about you. because you've meant so much to me. it's hard. let's talk about this tomorrow k?

Oh. So you're trying to show me that I can behave like an asshole or a bratty child if I need to and you will still be there to help me? Why am I starting to believe you actually know what you're doing? And that you actually give a smidge of a crap about me?

I see what you're doing. It might be working. So....thank you.

I would be seeing you today, but my slot was taken, so... see you Tuesday?

T,
Today was another horrible day. I cried on the bus home because I just wanted to go home (like, HOME home) so badly. But I (finally) was able to get in touch with pdoc today. He is upping my dose of lamictal and refilling my xanax prescription (what I'm on here in Ecuador SUCKS), which my sister will bring me next week when she visits. I really really hope it helps. If I keep feeling like this I just don't think I can hold on much longer.
Still miss you (duh). Hope you're well.
Annie

Gah...I want to sleep for the next two days, and then go back to sleep after Saturday to get me through 'til next session. The nights are hell, but you know that. ****ing inclement weather.

So someone just came into your cabinet... Someone who took my slot.

Have a good session, stranger. Have a good session, T. Enjoy this hour... without me.

Wow, that really sucks, I'd be furious

I miiiiiiiiiiiiiisss yoooooooooou

in 11 hours we'll already be talking. i didn't know how much i was looking forward to this until i saw you yesterday at the dr's office.

Days such as this, I would like to sleep through...but my brain won't let me. Replay, every night.

Good luck with your class today! You got this

How to keep a connection, maybe that's what I need to work on.

You are SO adorable

Yes t, I do realize how pathetic I am.

Dude, i get my blood drawn every 3 months cuz i take meds for cholesterol and blood pressire and diabetes. Have been doing for the past 30 plus years. Im surprised you havent run into ME at the blood draw!