Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

i just want to fall asleep feeling safe

T, I didn't want to talk about this yesterday, but I have a really stressful weekend ahead of me and I'm feeling really anxious.

Dear T,

I have caring feelings toward you. Can you feel it? Are you bothered by it?

‘Hi!

I am so happy that things went well! You have both been in my thoughts.

You are a very caring, thoughtful person. Thank you!

(DD) is very lucky to have you in her corner. (Grandkidlet), too.

I am lucky to know you. I am keeping you in my thoughts,

(T)’

....My T is an ethical T. Lol, *pff* Not sure what else I was looking for?

night time is always so hard
I know I'll feel better in the morning
but first I still have to get through tonight
Nearly every night I have the same image
Of my old bedroom and looking down the hallway at my dad's room and trying hard not to cry so that I would be allowed to call my mom to say goodnight
And missing her so much

That's what I feel
all the time
and now it's about you because there's nobody else for it to be about
but that's where I'm stuck
a child, in bed, trying not to cry from the pain of missing my mom so so much
because if I cry, I can't talk to her

I miss you
I miss you
I miss you

help...
I"m being flooded with memories I don't want right now
can't handle alone
need you

I used to feel so desperately attached to you and I don't anymore. Maybe this is secure attachment? I think, instead, that part of me has suppressed that neediness because it felt too dangerous. I want it back. I know we talked about how what I have now is healthier, but I need to feel that desperate connection again.

My friends in town to visit are rescuing me from this awful attachment to you.

T,

These feelings are overwhelming and I can feel myself wanting to push you away. I want to pull back. Please stop being nice to me, it's physically painful and I can't take it. It's like I can see a rupture on the horizon and I might be powerless to stop it.....

Good luck to them LOL

Hi t. If I come see you next week, not that I've asked yet, will we still feel like "us"? I want to see you. I think. Hmm.

Lol omg ...i don't get you

Last night was tough. I hate that the two experiences, the beautiful and the terrible, are enmeshed with one another. I am well aware that it will own me until I learn to let it pass through me...but feeling safe enough to do that is another thing.

I feel safe, but not necessarily brave, when I am in your company. If I were stronger, I would speak the things that get stuck in my throat rather than choking on them. I need to stay with it when I'm there, to get it out.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the week.

In my head I'd already made the decision to leave you and therapy.

But today was your birthday. I'd already give your birthday present early the last time I was in London. I sent an email also saying "Happy birthday and that I hoped you had a wonderful day."

You just replied saying thank you for the message and that you and your daughter loved my present ( a card with a pug, the book "Oh the places you'll go by Dr Seuss, Green and Black chocolate mix and a £10 amazon gift card) . That's the first time you've mentioned her name. I don't think I'm jealous of a 3 year old, but I felt a lump of sadness that I couldn't be your daughter.

Please don't hate me for missing friday's session.I don't want anyone else but you.

I can't stop laughing thinking of that song you told me you love....I need to listen again.

I hope you made it to wherever you were going safely.

I want to talk to you because I like being heard and feeling "held" and that it is okay. I like being about to talk about emotions. I feel like I want to talk more. But I definitely don't want to be a part of your life. I am a-okay with you in the therapist role. But, can I feel connected to a person without feeling totally dependent upon them? I am protecting myself from being abandoned.

Dear T,
I was talking to my friend who recently confided in my she started seeing a T and I was mentioning you and how the first time we didn’t click right away but slowly things got better and then it got progressively worse up and down etc. My friend said honestly you should see a new T they should be working with you not being judgy not saying well I’m not going to do this.. I’m torn I know you sometimes can be helpful but at the same time you are so all over the place. I’m kinda stuck right now I want to quit you but at the same time I know how hard it is finding a new T. I wish you could read my mind sometimes but you can’t sadly

I told my T I'm jealous of his new baby

I'm not really that upset
But I do wish you'd get back to me.

Two more sessions until the break. Do you realise it will be almost a month we won't see each other? I cried about it today. I cried like a child because I don't want you to go. It feels like you're abandoning me, it feels unbearable and I don't know how I will make it through: I will though, won't I?

I want desperately to ask if you can see me the week you go, but I want you to offer, I want you to realise that starting your break on our day is extra painful to me, that it feels like you've done it on purpose because you don't want to have to see me. I know I won't find the courage to ask...I can't bear the thought you might reject me. Please realise, please offer, it's too long....

T, this weekend feels like it's going wrong. I don't know how to stop the downward slide. I feel frozen in horror as the hours pass and I get nothing done. I can't concentrate. The panic is building. What do I do?

I'm tired all the time

hey t. thanks for scheduling for next week. when i see you on 3/1 it will have been 4 weeks since I saw you last. I wanna talk about the money complex that was activated again this past week and the guilt I feel about it. But I also want to talk about 'us'. Is this how it ends? This gradual, fading away from you? If h hadn't gone back in the hospital this past week, it would have been even longer until I contacted you. Who knows, maybe I wouldn't even have done. We never really talked about what happened when you said "I know" that time a while back. Yet, it was HUGE!!!! Huge-er even than what happened on 1/4. The hugest. But I just, well, since then, this coming as-needed, our relationship is fading and I miss it. So I guess that's my question.

Is this how therapy ends?

p.s. thank you for the smiling emoji after your "see you then".