Fears like a brick wall.

What do you do, when you feel you've completely talked yourself out in T? Its like I'm thinking, "where do we go from here?" I was thinking about this last night, and all I could feel was a fear of T hurting me. The pain felt so intense. I feel like now I've run out of "talk" whats next? If I pause then T may "attack". Where do you go from here?

Mouse why would you feel like your t would attack you just because you have reached a normal phase in your therapy process. I think you should talk to your therapist about this and maybe you and she can work through this period...which is part of the process. I think we all have periods of time like that where we can't think of things toa talk about. Its called an impass and I've been there myself many times. Sometimes it helps to talk about not being able to talk as strange as it may sound and I am sure your therapist will help you through this period of time. Don't be scared (easy to say) its very normal as far as I've experienced myself.

Say more about the "attack". In what way? What would she say?

Since I have a hard time feeling connected when I can't talk, I wonder if it is that you feel less connected thinking that you are talked out.

Life keeps happening and our understanding of ourselves keeps growing even during quiet times and relatively painless times. Things like happiness and contentedness can be explored too, I guess is what I'm getting at.

I once told T that I feel like I have to have something dramatic to talk about when I see her and she told me no and reminded me that wherever you are is where you are at that moment and there is always something to talk about. That does make sense since our minds are always at work but when I feel like I don't have anything pressing then I have felt not connected and like I wasted the session.

From a psychoanalysis site:
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During the years that an analysis takes place, the patient wrestles with these insights, going over them again and again with the analyst and experiencing them in daily life, in fantasies, and in dreams.

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So possibly the 'daily life' part may be where you are?

Sometimes when a session begins my mind blanks out. I used to freak out and get nervous but now I try to breathe and see where I am. The more relaxed I can make myself the more I can tap into whatever needs to come up. As Echoes said, there is always something.

If, when you do this, all that comes up is your fear of T attacking then that is the thought to explore with T.

This feels related to your prior post on saying random things to T and not being able to "have" the time, but feeling obliged to waste it.

Maybe you can't have the time because you are afraid T will take it? Or already took it?
Or will hurt you when you let her know you have it? Does it leave you exposed somehow?

(((hugs)))

My stepmother told me she was worried when she got married in the mid-1930s because she thought a time would come when she and her husband would have nothing else to talk about, would have exhausted all conversation topics :-)

I suffer from having trouble finding words and use to get very frustrated in T because I literally had no words; she had to teach me words; words for feelings I had but couldn't describe, etc. I had to learn to "talk". It was scary because it would take me a long time to formulate what I needed to say and I was afraid I'd be interrupted or get it "wrong" or T would get tired/bored and be done with me, etc.

But there's much more depth to you. I don't know if you ever feared a bottomless pit getting you but that's sort of like the fear that one will always be angry or always be sad, etc. which some T's explain one's "capacity" for the opposite is shown by how angry, how sad, etc. You can't have joy if you can't have sorrow, for example. I have a theory that the bottomless pit one is afraid of falling into is actually one's own wonderful depth and we're just afraid of how "large" and complex we are. Remember how scary therapy was at the beginning. You're at that place again in the spiral.

You know the title was supposed to read "feels like a brick wall" I guess thats what you'd call a freudian slip. The brick wall I have is off fear. I feel like I want something so bad that It will hurt so much to not get it. I was talking to T in my head last night hating her for just being T and not being anything more then that, and the pain and frustration of trying to break through and mourn this was killing me. I kept trying to tell myself this is about the past not today! If thats the case then its the feeling I felt when I found out mum wasn't my real mum, the trying to make her real. For a 5yr old the fact that she was there so was real wasn't plain to see. All I knew was real mum, not real mum. Its like once I knew I was adopted I was trying to squeeze and squeeze my eyes tight enought to make my real mum appear. Last week I looked at this wooden apple T has on her shelve and got really obsessive about it. Kept telling T it wasn 't real. T said it is real, I took that back with in the next session and said but its not real, T just smiled, I said ok the object is real, but its not a real apple. Then I was pulling at my face because I can't understand why this apple meant so much to me. I guess I was trying to tell T, she isnt real, shes my T not my real mum. GGGrrr.

oh ignore my posts! I am so dam angry! %#@&#! ***** world

Mouse, can I ask when were you adopted by the mom, and when did she tell you? was your dad biologically your dad? Did you like the mother before you knew?

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Mouse_ said:
I was talking to T in my head last night hating her for just being T and not being anything more then that

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She is more than that; no she's no your mum but she is "herself" and "real" and available to you in that guise. Your conversations with her aren't just one way, flat, or "temporary" and businesslike. You are getting better because both of you are working hard, struggling with your past, responding in the present. In a sense she's better than a perfect mum in the past would be because she is "now". There's no guarantee that if everything had been "right" back then, if your mum had loved and kept you and been a successful professional, warm and loving and you'd had a large, happy family life that you would have grown up not having "problems" or being someone you knew and liked as well as you are coming to know and like yourself now.

In 2017 you'll see; it will all be all right!

Mouse,
I'm feeling exactly the same way -- you're not alone. Last session, I did tell my T about how I am so attached to him and that I don't want him ever to leave. Your fears are my reality. He told me that he thought the world of me but that the therapeutic relationship would end sooner or later. He said that he didn't want to lie to me to make me feel better. I was bawling the whole time. I then got angry and sent him a scathing email. He called to see if I was okay, which made me feel a little better. But now I am left to mourn the fact that he won't be in my life forever. He tells me that this devastation will get better and I hope he is right. I guess this is a reality we all in therapy have to face sooner or later. Depending on our past, I guess it will affect some more than others. My T told me that anger is a stage in the mourning process. I'm teetering between the anger stage and denial stage. I think I'll stay in the denial stage for awhile as it is less upsetting. I feel for you and hope you take care of yourself.

Wisewoman, I was adopted at 9days old by a narcisstic mother that had been refused once but got me privately. I imagine her intentions were good, but I am the result. She had many issues unresolved and never got past her fantasy of what she wanted her children to be. She never stopped telling me what a great deed she had done for me, what a waste of space my birth mother was. RESULT = Me a narcissis myself, only just beginning to realise that I too want to bathe in others admiration. Maybe T is no longer my narcisstic supply, no longer does my fantasy of her admiring me working. ITs like taking a drug from an addict, take my admiring supply away from ne and I am crumbling. Can a narcssist recover????????? I hope so or I'd rather die