[TrailRunner14]

This has been on my mind for a bit.

I think I read a comment on another thread that brought it to my mind. I can’t remember which thread it was.

Anyway.

As I’ve been working through my younger parts and their trauma experiences, I realize that I don’t feel compassion or injustice (anger) for what they experienced and were wounded with.

I’ve gone back and taken them to safe places and I’ve felt a relief and unburdening for them. I feel a connection with them and a thankfulness that they are out of those bad places and in a place that feels safe.

What I don’t feel is a feeling, for them, of justifiable anger and the injustice of it.

If something happens to my children or my grand daughter, there is a rightness that comes to me with a feeling that I have to do something about it. I wouldn’t call it a “mamma bear” but there is a feeling of having to make it right. It’s a feeling of having to make sure they are ok and safe.

When I look back on me, as a younger me, there are not feelings like that. The feelings are more like, “Let me get you out of here somewhere safe.” Quietly.

I don’t understand why there are no feelings of anger or injustice for me. It feels “wrong” to even lean that way. It feels almost dangerous.

I don’t know.

I don’t know what to think of it or how to sort it out.

I was just curious if anyone else sees/experiences this in their self.

Maybe that’s something else that I have to work through.

Could possibly from my thread where I said I'd move heaven and earth to protect my kids. But myself? I've just got a shrug my shoulders attitude.
I think because my earliest experience from family was I wasn't treasured.

[stopdog]

In my experience, it was common for a therapist to try to get me to say I felt anger or injustice or sad or what ever, for my childhood self. I never could figure out what they were going on about and as far as I can tell, I don't feel that way. I don't even know what the point would be in it. But therapists that I hired seemed keen on it.

I don't so much feel like I deserved stuff - more that it was not that big of a deal. That I could handle it and no one has a life without some adversity.

Any other child in that situation, I would feel angry at the injustice. But because it's me, I feel I deserved it. Self hatred does that.

[Lemoncake]

I know I'm supposed to say the opposite , but I still feel like it was all okay because it was just me, that I too deserved it.

[ElectricManatee]

My T says that I kind of shrug about certain things that a parent did that put me at risk as a child (things I would not stand for if they happened to another child now) because other adults knew about the situation at the time and didn't do anything to protect me. So I made myself an exception to the "children deserve to be protected" rule in order for the world to make sense. I'm getting in touch with my anger a little bit now as part of building a healthier sense of self, but it's been a very slow process.

[MoxieDoxie]

Oh yes....IFS....My therapist always wanted me to go hug that part and would ask how I felt towards it. Usual my young parts are the exiles that hold the trauma and the ones that cause all the problems so I never feel compassion for it. I just wanted it to go back into the hole from which it came.

[ruh roh]

I don't really understand why therapists think it's so important to get angry. I had one who pushed it to such an extent that my internal rage grew and grew and grew and couldn't be contained, and I was just left as this angry alone person. From everything you've shared, I don't think your therapist is that incompetent, but I just don't see the value in getting angry like that. I think what you are doing, by providing a way out, is great and good.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I don't really understand why therapists think it's so important to get angry. I had one who pushed it to such an extent that my internal rage grew and grew and grew and couldn't be contained, and I was just left as this angry alone person. From everything you've shared, I don't think your therapist is that incompetent, but I just don't see the value in getting angry like that. I think what you are doing, by providing a way out, is great and good.

I think getting in touch with anger can be a natural part of healing, but I agree that it isn't good to try to force it. When I think about times I have been really, truly angry in the past, it has often been because somebody I care about (like my spouse) has been unjustly wronged or hurt in some way. I have never felt that way about injustice against myself, and I think that's because I have always had an incredibly low, unnecessarily harsh opinion of myself. On some level, I kinda thought I deserved what I got. Getting in touch with my anger first started with me getting angry with my therapist (instead of my parents), and I'm glad my T is able to understand what's happening and help contain my anger. The force behind anger can be uncomfortable for both of us, but for me, learning to understand it and manage it is probably going to be key for the next phase of therapy.

[maybeblue]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

I don't really understand why therapists think it's so important to get angry. I had one who pushed it to such an extent that my internal rage grew and grew and grew and couldn't be contained, and I was just left as this angry alone person. From everything you've shared, I don't think your therapist is that incompetent, but I just don't see the value in getting angry like that. I think what you are doing, by providing a way out, is great and good.

I think the theory is that depression might sometimes be "anger turned inward." So someone did something bad to you, and the "normal" emotion would be anger toward whoever did the bad thing. But for whatever reason you can't express that anger to that person...like maybe it wouldn't be safe to do so. So instead you turn it around toward you because that emotion has to go somewhere.

I think they are trying to get you to put that emotion where it belongs, toward the abuser. But if the abuser isn't around or it still isn't safe to express that anger toward them, it can stir up a whole bunch of emotions that you *still* don't know what to do with. I think if a therapist does pull up a bunch of that crap, they better be ready and willing to deal with it.

[ElectricManatee]

Originally Posted by maybeblue

I think the theory is that depression might sometimes be "anger turned inward." So someone did something bad to you, and the "normal" emotion would be anger toward whoever did the bad thing. But for whatever reason you can't express that anger to that person...like maybe it wouldn't be safe to do so. So instead you turn it around toward you because that emotion has to go somewhere.

I think they are trying to get you to put that emotion where it belongs, toward the abuser. But if the abuser isn't around or it still isn't safe to express that anger toward them, it can stir up a whole bunch of emotions that you *still* don't know what to do with. I think if a therapist does pull up a bunch of that crap, they better be ready and willing to deal with it.

This is super accurate for me. I think sometimes there was also an impulse to say, "What is wrong with me that they're doing this to me?" Then I set off on a decades-long quest to change myself in ill-defined and impossible ways, so I would be a more deserving and acceptable person. I had plenty of clues about what might be wrong with me based on critical things important people in my life said, but I had no clue what was right about me (a lot, as it turns out). It finally dawned on me recently that the tendency toward self-blame was fruitless anyway because the game is rigged and the people who fundamentally can't accept you will never accept you, no matter how much you try to change. And that fact makes me pretty angry.

I had one longer term "trauma" (bullying by other kids) in my childhood that went on for several years in different environments. I have always seen it as wrong, back then and also in my entire adulthood, did not need anyone else to point it out to me. I acknowledge that it is a common phenomenon inherent to child behavior, but the fact that young kids do not have developed enough judgement and morality to see it is wrong does not make it appropriate and acceptable. For me, seeing it in this way, knowing clearly it was not my fault or even behavioral error never made a difference in how it has affected me and my self image. I do not believe that these kinds of emotional insults can be set straight with having or developing the right judgment and morals or even anger or self compassion. It still happened and interfered with the wiring of a developing brain. I never thought those experiences were my fault in any way. I think the idea about getting in touch with and expressing the anger associated with old hurts is when someone believed the actual accusations, internalizes them, and feels guilt or shame about them. My first T uses this approach heavily, it is actually in the center of his therapeutic philosophy. Might explain why that modality did not work for me if I don't have the baseline mechanism to work with.

That T tried to convince me, for example, that the addiction problem I developed in my 30s is the fault of my parents and my past. I thought that was BS in my case, my parents were the most sober people I had known in my life and definitely not neglectful or abusive. I may have inherited some latent predisposition from them (there was addiction in my extended family), but how does it help me to be frustrated about my genes?

I did find it helpful to become more aware of my anger in the moment though - about things happening in the here and now everyday, not in the past. It provides a larger palette of feelings and makes experiences more complete and realistic. I also find that anger can be a good antidote to anxiety, can be used quite constructively to assert opinions and convictions, and as a drive to elicit change. It has to be controlled and channeled properly though to have that effect, simply feeling it and discussing with one person does not do much for me - it is how it is used in everyday situation. I also think it only works when it is felt/expressed directly, not in passive aggressive ways.

[TrailRunner14]

Thank you for your replies.

I haven’t been in a very good place since I posted this.

I just wanted to say thank you for hearing me.

Hugs TR. I hate messing with exiles because everything else gets so loud afterward.

For me it's not that I don't feel anger. I do. I definitely turn it inward though. I have trouble with those young parts and it takes me forever to deal with them because the self hatred is so strong. I hate that little girl. I know I should have compassion for her but I really struggle with it. T thinks it is a defense mechanism, kind of a 'you can never hate me as much as I hate me so your words and actions don't effect me' kind of thing. I'm not saying she's right but it makes sense. We're working on it but it's a long process and I am not sure that can even be changed...

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

I was just curious if anyone else sees/experiences this in their self.

Also, is it possible you are not in self? Maybe you have a part blocking that compassion? I struggle with parts that essentially numb or dull or misdirect certain feelings and there are times i dont even recognize it. Thankfully T usually does.

[Blacky89]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

This has been on my mind for a bit.
.

When I look back on me, as a younger me, there are not feelings like that. The feelings are more like, “Let me get you out of here somewhere safe.” Quietly.

I don’t understand why there are no feelings of anger or injustice for me. It feels “wrong” to even lean that way. It feels almost dangerous.

I don’t know.

I don’t know what to think of it or how to sort it out.

I was just curious if anyone else sees/experiences this in their self.

Maybe that’s something else that I have to work through.

I think I can relate a bit. My experience of it is suppressed anger. Like you say, it feels dangerous to express anger, because for me if I was to release my anger it would mainly be directed at a person who still feels dangerous to me. Therefore, any anger, even if it is not towards this person, I also keep bottled up, because all anger feels dangerous