Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Last night was really tough. I broke down and cried in bed- then I dreamt about you.

I was admitted on the psychward at my teaching hospital and I'm crying. I see you in a white lab coat grabbing a stethoscope from someone else and literally diagnosing a condition in a patient that's collapsed on the floor near the small lifts thereby saving the day.

I join the library with my sister, knowing your wife is also a member of and I meet her. I don't tell her that I know you. I find an online blog she's written things like when she first met you and childbirth.

I find out that you actually have three children: two more sons and not just the daughter I thought you had. I see you sitting in "my" chair in our therapy room playing with them. The oldest has a red car and is perhaps 6.

Then I see a van driving along a desert and I ask where you've gone. The answer is Dubai, but for some reason I don't really think you'd go there in real life.

*Just seven more days to go if I decide to see you on the 17th.

Dear T,

I'm not sure of that was meant to be reassuring but it feels like you are blowing me off....whatever. We can talk about it next week. Im too emotionally exhausted to care right now.

This week seems like it's going by quickly. It's a nice feeling because the quicker the time goes, the quicker I get to see you.

i can't work.
i want to...
be in a hospital.
weak.

Dear T,
This is totally random, but it occurs to me that perhaps you gave me a little TMI yesterday, too. In saying that if my H is 40, within the next 5 years he'll probably start having to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. And you're 47, so...I'm guessing you know this from personal experience? Don't worry, not gonna bring that up! God, my brain is so weird...pretty sure you've figured that out by now though!

And no, I haven't talked to H yet about the stuff we talked about yesterday--the whole allergic reaction or whatever that was to dinner, followed by Benadryl made the decision to put that off kinda obvious. Still need to figure out exactly what to ask him. Perhaps that can be part of Friday's session? Along with the other stuff that I may or may not talk about...

Kinda wish I was still seeing you today, but trying Qi Gong for the first time instead. I think you'd approve of that choice, since it's somewhat active and meditative. In other words, way of dealing with anxiety other than alcohol. Nervous to go because of the unknown, being in a room of strangers, but I'm supposed to "crush it out there," right? And pretty sure sitting on my couch does not constitute "crushing it."

Love,
LT

t-

scheduled to see you later today. could you, like, do something please? something to make me feel better? anything?

f*** you.

-c

Hello t. The closer it gets to Thursday, the nervouser I get about seeing you.

Hi T,

I'm worn out, exhausted. I need a break from the tough topics. At the same time, talking about trivial stuff seems like a waste of time right now. I really need you.

Dear MLK,

Thank you for yesterday. Your warmth, caring, and love for me shined through big time. Even when you let out the audible gasp about the next phase of my life. No need to be embarrassed. I was amused. That’s why I laughed and ribbed you about it. I knew once you heard the backstory and I shared the written correspondences you wouldn’t be too concerned. It meant a lot to me when you said it’s making you cry and then I saw the tears in your eyes. I already knew I was doing the right thing for me but your response cemented it. I’m happy you agreed.

Yesterday, with our long hug goodbye I feel somewhere in there I said I love you but I don’t remember. It won’t hurt ask. Or will it?

Hey t beans

I'm sorry I sent you an email.
I'm sorry I feel anything towards you.
S has no time for me.
You're busy, and I feel like I'm just taking up valuable space and time in your schedule.
I want to cancel the rest of this week and next.
Maybe all of it. Maybe just be done.
I'm tired of feelings.

TW for SH
(and, I suppose, for bad haiku)

Omg! omg! It's gonna happen, t! Less than 24 hours now... I can't wait to see you.

flashback to when S when to AZ for the millionth time, and I knew... KNEW he was going to end up moving there. Called him out on it. "I have no plans" he says...

Few months later, guess what his plans are?

....I know this isn't the same thing. I don't even have a clue why you are taking off/if you're going somewhere. Doesn't matter, though. That's where my brain is.

Want to leave before I can be left.

Coming in Thursday feels pointless.

Coming back feels pointless.

I'm working on a poem for you. I'm feeling very sentimental at the moment.

I wish it was Thursday already. I wish like hell that I knew what you are thinking about all of this. Although, I'm sure I'm thinking more about it than you are!!

It's so hard.

fighting an urge
to take the percocet in our cabinet
where the hell is this coming from?
what is it with this urge to completely self destruct?
I won't be doing it
it's just unsettling af to be having these urges

I know it's so wrong to hate on a precious, little and innocent person but I'm feeling some type of way about your lil grandchild. If it wasn't for her you'd be here with me (okay fine other clients as well but we both know I like to pretend they don't exist!). Transference/feelings suck

I am manipulative if I say things specifically to get the response I want though, especially if I'm being intentionally misleading. I'd be misrepresenting my emotions and motives to get the response I want.

I had a car accident earlier and it has upset me more than I would have expected. When I finally got home after errands, at first, I was really angry (note above). Now I just keep intermittently crying, but no one was hurt, it wasn't a big deal but it has shaken me to the core. I don't understand this emotional part of it but it kind of feels like a relief to cry. It's like it's been building up or something.

i miss you
and you're not even gone yet
i miss you i miss you i miss you

I hope our session goes ok tomorrow.....

Dear t,

National Sibling Day in the USA so my newsfeed is full of posts commemorating that. I'm kinda upset. Abuse at the hands of another sibling is so rarely mentioned even when it's sometimes more common than parent child abuse.

Day 2 of not sleeping well and the 7 year old me cried for you again.

Six more days, but I don't think I want to see you.

Why shouldn't I act out?

You chose to leave me behind.

How do I know you're even going to come back?

PLEASE explain to me why I am doing ok, yet I am hellbent on destroying my life anyway??? I feel fine yet I'm popping xanax like it's candy... WHY?

Please be very careful Annie.