Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Dear Dr. S,

You know it's not fair to access those really young places/parts and then send me out into the world and make me be an adult. I mean really, adulting is hard enough when you feel like an adult. It's just scary when you feel 3 yr old, everything seems so big, and you are far away.... and you have to somehow hold it together in front of your boss when all you really want is your blanket.

Stolen moments, right? Take those moments that we can get and somehow give that 3 yr old their blanket (literally or figuratively). That's how I handled it today. I think you'd be proud of me.

Love,
me

Dear T,
Sorry to be so annoying and ask for another possible schedule change. If you can't, all good--I just forgot about a professional call I should be on at the time of our session. Please know this isn't any form of testing you or wanting between-session contact (I'm sure MC would think at least the latter...) I seriously was just reminded of the meeting in an e-mail this morning! And seeing you is still more important to me than the meeting, so it's fine if you can't change times.
--LT

PS/ETA: Thanks for getting back to me so fast and being able to make the time change. I was going to add an apology to my response for changing the time so often, but then I realized that would suggest I wanted another response from you/reassurance. So I just left it at "Great, thanks, see you then." See, I'm learning! (Might mention that in session.)

Hmmmmm
Nervous

Eight more sleeps...

Thank you for not going away for an excessive amount of time. I'm hoping you don't do that. The longest you've gone away has been 11 days. Last time, it was really hard and felt like it lasted forever. I hope I will do better this time, but last time, I didn't even feel any attachment yet... so that doesn't bode well. I'm just worried. This is a really stressful time... you won't be there to help me get through my final exams. I wish you could have waited until May. I know that's selfish.

I sent out a thank you letter in the mail today. It will be the first time i wrote ily in writing. Hope you are proud.

Also can't wait to chat Fri. Gonna be a tough day so I'll need you

I cried in pathophys today.

Thursday.Friday.Saturday.Sunday.Monday.Tuesday.

you can't help me. what's the point. f***ing sick of being me. sick of it. i can't take it. f*** this.

help help help
help help
help

Hey t. I am all kinds of nervous about seeing you tomorrow. I wonder if you've even given any of this a 2nd thought?

Big big hugs, luco...
it's going to be ok
even though it doesn't feel like it right now

I think I should probably tell you the naughty thing I am doing before you go away. I don't want you to think I started doing it because you went on holiday. Then again, if I tell you now, you'll probably think it's because you're about to go away. Maybe I should just keep it to myself. I don't even know why I was thinking of sharing
It's not a big deal, really.

(((luco)))

Mental static rules
Life is no spectator sport
See you next Thursday

I'm seeing you in a few hours for the first time in almost two weeks. My emotions are less intense than usual today and I'm still super sleepy from the Lexapro so I kind of feel like our session is going to be "wasted" on a day when I don't really need it or feel that invested. I still skipped the eyeliner today, as I always do on the days I'm seeing you, given how often I end up crying.
Maybe I'll be able to talk about some stuff that I'm usually not able to because I won't be feeling the usual emotions. Or maybe the emotions will hit me full force once we start talking. Who knows?

P.S. I only did a few thought records since I last saw you. Whoops. The problem is that the things that upset me usually happen when I'm in the middle of something. I can't stop in the middle of an experiment or walk away in the middle of a conversation to sit down and write about my feelings.

I know you were just being real when you cried. You took the time to explain that you had been moved/touched. You had learned that you were sarcastic and underneath all that sarcasm was a lot of feelings, Sometimes it is hard for you to hold it back. You explained the whole therapeutic/not therapeutic in your profession, Sharing yourself/etc. I get that. You were straight forward and responsible around it. You said therapy is suppose to be about me. And that line of disclosure-therapeutic/not therapeutic. I felt concern for you. You looked sad even though you said you had been moved.I know you did all of the right things i.e. explaining beng honest, checking in with me. And I thank you for that. But on an emeotional level you scared me I think. And I'm not sure what to think. Do I take care of you now? Intellectually I know I don't. Do I hold myself back because you are vulnerable? (well, really, you just showed feeling). I'm not sure what to do. It did scare me though. Wasn't expecting it. don't know what to do with it. Been freaked out about it all day. Yet all you did was be real and show emotion. Its weird though. Worked in ER, saw ****. Work in mental health now. I know we are human people trying to be professional. Ive heard people have cried with patients before, I know Ive wanted to cry over/with patients but don't/havnt. Its a weird thing. I hope I can come to peace about this.I know I wil but I don't know if I can work with you. I get your human. but there is a line.

Things are fine at home.

To clarify, I don't want to be free of anyone, including you. I want to be free of my dark thoughts. I want to be free of the emotions that engulf me. I want to be free of depersonalization/derealization.

Are you sure I'm not psychotic? I know you said it was shame, but could it possibly be paranoia? I'm kind of afraid. It's scary. But I am trying to tolerate this and push through.

If you are the sort of person for whom data and/or reading about others' experiences is helpful/comforting, you might be interested in reading this article about therapists' crying in therapy. (The short version is that 72% of therapists have cried while in their role as therapist, but there's more in there.) The same author also wrote a book on the same topic.

If that sorta thing isn't helpful then nvmd about the article and I hope things feel less weird eventually :/

If I remember correctly this isn't addressed in much depth in the article but this is what the author had to say about therapists' concerns re: effect of crying on clients:

"From the perspective of the therapists we surveyed, therapists felt that their tears had some important positive impacts on their clients -- 82% believed therapist crying led to the client feeling that the therapist genuinely cares about him/her, 72% that the client would feel the relationship was more authentic, and 61% that therapist tears would give the client permission to feel and express emotion. On the other hand, 69% of therapists expressed concern that therapist crying would cause the client to be concerned that the therapist would not be able to handle the client's emotion, 64% were worried that the client would feel burdened by the therapist's emotion and 56% thought that therapist tears could cause a role reversal in which the client would feel he/she would have to care for the therapist."

(Link to interview)

24 hours from now. What will we be saying to each other? What will we have already said? Will I still even be in your office, or will I have already left? I wish I had a crystal ball.

that abscess is going to come back
you're going to go away
the abscess is going to come back
and i'm going to face surgery without you
that's what i'm scared of...
that and...
i say goodbye to my grandmother this weekend...
and you will be gone
i'm alone

T-

Okay wait hold up.

1) When you were introducing this "I think we need to find you a different therapist" idea, you pointed out (somewhat bizarrely, in my opinion) that all sorts of situations cause therapeutic relationships to end. You noted that any number of those things could have eventually led to the premature dissolution of our therapeutic dyad--you might get pregnant or move to another town or change positions within the organization (like do more teaching and less clinical time or whatever) or finally get over your masochistic jollies and leave this beloved institution of ours. Are you actively planning to do any of those things??? I mean Jesus Christ T, I don’t ask this with the intention of prying into your personal life. This is not me being nosy--you've made me feel pretty g*d*** head-shy and I wanna know if you're planning to stick around or not.

Maybe it'll help to think of it as tit for tat—you made me feel really terrible (and in the end all the chaos you created came to naught), so now you have to disclose some (really minor) **** about yourself. It's a crude form of poetic justice—you made me feel ****** about the future, and now in order to make me feel less ****** about the future, you have to take a hit and tell me some **** about your future i.e. "do you currently have plans to leave your job in the next two years?". (Though I won’t ask why you always get that same look on your face whenever you talk about how getting pregnant is not something that is likely to happen to you. See? I’m being a Good F***ing Patient and Respecting Your F***ing Boundaries.)

2) On that note, do you understand how terrible you made me feel with this "let's find you another shrink" suggestion? I was really really sad. I *cried*. I HARDLY EVER CRY--IT IS LIKE A ONCE A YEAR EVENT AND THIS YEAR IT WAS YOUR EFFING FAULT. After having been in the hospital for two miserable weeks I was finally doing better and then everything fell apart and it was your fault. The crying and the not-leaving-the-hospital-for-ANOTHER-two-weeks and the not-catching-the-MAOI-upswing. That felt really really awful. And now what you just like take it back and want us to return to the frame? F*** you, dude.

-C

[context if desired: https://forums.psychcentral.com/psyc...l#post6084876]

I won't see you for 286 hours while you're away. I wish I could just hibernate during that time to keep myself out of trouble.

Also, I don't know what to talk about with my one remaining session before you go away. I hope I don't act like a lunatic and cry.

T,

I lied to you for the first time tonight. I'd promised myself I wouldn't lie to you, and told you that. The stupid thing is I've been honest about things I'm much more ashamed of than this. I guess I just didn't want you to be disappointed in me. I'm sorry.