Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I promise I will be skinny by the time you see me

Hey, your T would want you to be healthy at any size.

I miss you. You're so far away. I'm not sure why I'm still here. Please come back.

I miss you so much! I wish you would write me everyday, or that I could go back to seeing you once a week. I obsess over you in between sessions. I just want to be with you. You make me happy.

Btw, Sunday is our 3 year anniversary. Time flew by. I hope to be with you for many more years!

I love you and appreciate you. You work so hard to help me. I'm very lucky.

I wish I had a clue what you actually think of me as a person. And I wish I could show you the worst of me because it's probably what you need to see the most. But all I ever do is cross my legs and try to be pleasant and unemotional in front of you. I want you to like me because, more and more, I do like you.

Hi T,

Right now, I'm having the following impression.

For you, pain is something that you experience sometimes, e.g. after an accident. It's something that comes for a reason. Once you feel pain you go to the doctor, the doctor does something about that pain and then you feel better. Pain is something you deal with if it comes up, nothing to worry about in advance.

For me, it's entierly different. For me, pain comes and goes on a daily basis. And on most days, that pain isn't exactly minor. It hurts. A lot. It hurts a d*** f*** lot. On the days I don't feel pain, I'm dissociated. Sometimes to the point that I can't move. Sometimes "just" in a way that makes it hard to function.
I've been to doctors with that pain. To more than a handful of doctors actually. None of these doctors has ever been able to help me in anyway, if anything, they made things worse because they treated me... well, badly.

For me, pain is a sign that my body is betraying me. Pain and dissociation are things that keep me from achieving my goals. They're very much things I have to consider now, and not in the "unlikely" event that they happen.

You don't seem to get that. You don't get how extremly helpless and hopeless all of this makes me feel. Even worse that it's especially you, the first person who's ever made me feel understood and accepted, doesn't seem to get it. It makes me feel even more helpless and alone. We both know how extremly hard those feelings are on me.

I am taking my medications so suck it

T,

It really sucks to be reminded that you're S's therapist.

Internal test today: I got the lowest in the group but still passed with 86%.

> 5 more days

Hi t. I guess we'll see what happens this evening. Less than 11 hours.

How has it come to this, t? How?

I guess the answer to that would simply be, to everything there is a season.

Turn, turn, turn.

Please help me please

Dear MLK,

I haven't had an emotionally painful session in over a year. It is that last piece that has me running to old behaviors that really never gave me real comfort and protection. I am glad I shared it with you and got me to at least write and send the email/phone call I was avoiding that is a part of the last piece that I need to finish this particular leg of my journey.

I will say that your silence during my body memory, contortions were a few seconds to long for me but I know you were trying to give me the space to let me purge the crap on my own. Thank you for that consideration.

Thank you for asking what kind of accountability help I wanted after I brought it up. I still don't know how that helps looks. I shared with you the images in my head, but I don't really want that. I think it would take me backward not forward. It maybe practical things that need to happen such as checking in with each other everyday. But, even that does not sound appealing as I just wrote it.

I appreciate your going to several stores to buy Peeps for me and I am not disappointed at all that you could not find any. Thanks for offering an alternative, the chocolate bunny.

Just the fact that you were willing to break the frame means a whole bunch to me.

MLK, you rock in my book!

I feel like I subconsciously knew I wouldn't see you again before you left, but I couldn't explain why I felt that way. Turns out I have a scheduling conflict, so I can't come tomorrow.

So that ups the time between appointments to two weeks. I feel not so good about this.

Oh t. Ugh.
Me

Thanks for reflecting the word c**t. That was amusing and weirdly very validating. You are good.

Hey! You pointed out something I hadn't realized/thought of! A+

P.S.,
I F***ING HATE BREAKS AND I'M NOT OK WITH THIS

How do u expect me to talk about this trauma and then get left to deal with it alone the rest of the week. It's like it's happening all over again and yet here I am going thru it alone... AGAIN. You're not here for me at all you cast me out to sea after dredging up all this crap. It is incredibly ****ing painful.

I want more than anything to get better and feel better and to feel safe. My dark thoughts and corresponding terror continue. People keep talking to me and it is like I can't stop ascribing negative things that they say to myself. I can't express how horribly terrified I am as a result of being triggered. I can't go around asking people if what I think is accurate or not.

So I did it again today. When I am going to see someone else, I noticed that my negative feelings aren't present so I don't think to follow what I "tagged in my brain" earlier. If I do think about it, it doesn't seem like a threat. UNTIL it is. However, I just stopped by and I did leave. I felt like I was about to go to that place, but the incident was at a very low level, so I was able to navigate it a little better.

I do think that this is what has been happening to me all along, but I just haven't been aware of it. Now, I am afraid of how I feel when I get triggered, and I am afraid of myself. I wish I could stop being with myself. My self isn't safe.

My list of possible culprits grows larger and I am a part of the lineup. Should I just pick out myself? Am I the one causing this? I am in so much pain, I hope I make it through this without damage. I feel closed off.

I fear that nothing will ever be the same.

((TMC)) ((JD)) ((Ana))

There's always so much sadness and pain on this thread, isn't there? It's like we're all here screaming into the void.

Except it's not really a void, I suppose, because even though our Ts aren't really listening we are listening to each other.

Sorry, I feel weird after my session today.

Yes, t. Really.

That was a really great session. It gave me something specific to think about in my approach to dealing with a group situation that is not *perfect* for me.

(((Luc)))
I'm sorry you feel weird after session and that you don't feel your T is listening to you. (((hugs)))

Oh, thank you! My T is listening to me, he's good at that, I just meant that our Ts don't hear what we write here, even though it's addressed to them, y'know?

I'm okay. It was just a really heavy session and an emotional evening in general.

I don't usually feel others are listening to me on this thread, but maybe others feel like I don't listen to them.

Sometimes when I want my therapist to really hear me I will send them a link to this thread. They have always heard me when I've decided I need them to hear what I said.

No responses please.