Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Yep. I've done this too!

If I had emails, I would do it, too.

Anyway, T, I know it's more than a week early, but I'm ready for you to come back now, ok?

It's ok t

Dear T1,

Tomorrow it'll be six months since I last saw you.

I'm glad that I left.

Dear all and sundry (as there are too many of you to list),

I started therapy with No. 1 three years ago today. What's happened since then?

In rough chronological order:

• health problems leading to surgeries, during one of which the ventilator (you know, the thing that keeps you breathing) broke and the operation had to be stopped
• left an abusive marriage
• lost my beloved senior cat, as well as my ex-husband's cat
• managed to summon the courage to cut off contact with husband
• got through a ridiculously prolonged divorce, prolonged by ex fulfilling his threat to make it as painful as possible
• Possible trigger:

  been suicidal
• Possible trigger:

  self-harmed, have a couple very visible scars
• got dumped by a psychiatrist (Smaug) who claimed I was suicidal (which I actually wasn't at the time)
• got dumped five days after that by my therapist (No. 2) in the middle of discussing an old SA, refusing references or a final session
• had one therapist (No. 3) interfere way too much in my life, leading partly to the psychiatrist incident and then another with DBC and then contacting me against my wishes last fall

No. 1 helped stiffen my backbone enough to leave my husband, a good thing. No. 3 helped me stay alive, which I now regard as a good thing.

Those ain't nothin'. But some of you became part of the problem, when I didn't need more problems.

Despite you and everything else, I'm still here, and some days I even think I'm thriving.

ATAT

T,

I'm sure you've noticed how intently I stare at the floor/wall/my hands/anything other than you when I'm talking about something difficult. Any time I glance up you're still looking at me though. Thank you.

50% of the reason I can't look at you is shame. That one is pretty obvious.
But the other 50% is that I know you'll have that kind sincere non-judgmental compassionate look on your face, when I feel like what I'm saying should be eliciting disgust and revulsion. And as much as I crave that compassion and kindness, I can't let myself actually receive it. It makes me profoundly uncomfortable and makes me squirm. It feels too intense and overwhelming and wrong, and I somehow feel guilty for it. I can't quite explain it.

Thank you for being that way, even if I'm not yet ready to receive it. It helps that when I do glance up I can see that you're not judging me the way I judge myself. Maybe I'll try to look up more next time.
I kind of want to talk to you about it, but then I'd be way more self conscious about my eye contact in the future, and scared to let myself look at you because then you'd know I was allowing myself to seek that kindness and comfort.

I love you, and I hate that I still feel shame about it. I am so glad you are ok with it though. Maybe someday after working with you, I'll be able to believe I'm worthy of love. Who knows?

Also I miss you and can't wait to hug you Tues. Maybe we should do two hugs.

Yeah I may have done this too. More than once.

I am SO stressed out, T. Why do you have to go away now, of all times?

I'm so lonely. This is never going to get better. Why am I still here?

All the Netflix shows in the world don't make up for how sh***y I feel.

why am i even drinking and using and restricting again? i thought i was happy? i guess i'm not?

I didn't sleep well at all last night and watching the movie Lion made me cry.

My mind feels so broken. I missed my 7.50 lecture because I slept through my alarm. Please get back to me if you have a free slot in the morning for tomorrow, so I won't have to wait until 6pm.

I hate the fact that I'm counting hours. (31- if there's nothing free)

I want to see you. I don't want to see you.

I need good news, just this once. Please, I don’t have the self discipline to not torture myself over this. Please, please, please just put me out of my misery. I promise to try to be more open with you from now on. I just need some good news for once. I can’t do this anymore.

Today would have been my deceased ex's birthday. I don't know what to do with that.

you were right about the root cause behind that one thing i wrote in my upset-email. sometimes i really hate how well you know me. it feels like i'm sitting there naked and without even my skin to hide behind. or something.

but, i'm still not over the cc thing.

I’m very scared to see you later. I have a feeling we won’t be able to repair this rupture and you’re going to break my heart today.

Dear T,

I love you.

There. I said it. I know I can never actually tell you that but I am pretty sure you already know....

Hope ur ok

Erm... when I said I'm not expecting a reply did you not read between the lines?

I feel as though I should let you know what you're in for on Thursday. The last week has been pretty gruelling. Half of April done, no more landmines for this year...but still, I cannot sleep.

I hope I'm ok

Lol......

Ugh, that was a painful but productive session. I said a few things that I wish I had elaborated on. I am not vain in wanting to lose weight, I more wanted to make that person feel the way I felt before. I am fully aware of how men are made, but this is done with an I don't care/laissez fare/**** you/look what I can do and you can't do a thing about it type of attitude. It sickens me.

I have no choice but to keep on moving forward. I'm just so tired.

Thank you for apologizing today even though I didn't ask for it. Thank you for working your hardest as trying to help me change my sick, twisted mind. I know it is like pushing an elephant up the down escalator. I think maybe a teeny, micro of what you said worked it's way in. I will listen back a few hundred times and try to follow what you said. Thank you for being you.

Dear T,
Thanks for really trying to understand me today. It means a lot to me. It feels like you genuinely want to help me (and don't just wish you could be rid of me). So...any chance I could borrow a (not stolen) transitional object??? You have that whole bowl of blue stones by where I sit--surely you wouldn't miss one of those? Maybe I'll actually mention that next session...
Love,
LT