Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

Dear Info,

We have an extra appointment tomorrow that I made when I was in a tizzy earlier this week.

I wish I’d canceled. I don’t want to come. It’s not that I still don’t need help with that issue, it’s the whole No. 3 forwarding an email to you thing. You were doing well with patching that up last time until you decided to say I must have told you about the email back last December. You say you don’t remember the email. Fine. You say you don’t remember mentioning it to me in passing in December. Fine. But you can’t say those things and then say I must have been the one who told you about it in December. Uh uh. Won’t work. Not logical. I realize you are not logical, but I am, or try to be.

And it’s a rising barrier between us.

ATAT

Dear T,
Why are you so accepting of me? Don't you realize that will just make me get more attached? Wouldn't you rather just deal with easier clients? I mean, I think you probably picked your specialties for a reason--and needy, insecurely attached women in their early 40s with male authority figure issues is not one of them. Do you feel stuck with me, like you just have to put up with me? Because of what happened with MC? Or...do you genuinely like working with me? Because it does seem we have a rapport, and I make you laugh at times. Do you like the challenge? I hope so...I hope you're continuing to work with me because you want to, not out of some sort of obligation. Or...because you're getting two sessions a week out of me, so I'm helping to keep you in business. But...I think of how I feel when you're talking to me, and you seem genuine. The caring seems real. The connection seems real. So...I'm going to try to trust in that. I mean, if you wanted to get rid of me that badly, you just would, right? So you genuinely care or you genuinely like working with me or both. Or maybe you're just really ethical and would never drop a client... But I'll do my best to trust in what I'm feeling, to trust in your commitment to me, to your faith in me.
Love,
LT

Honestly LT I would just tell/ask him all that. I've had those exact thoughts and feelings with my T and brought them all up. I'm doing so much better without needing reassurance but I still do at times, talking about it all so openly helped.

Thanks, DP. I think I do need to share all of that, you're right. I know my fear of abandonment came out very clearly in session yesterday, but I think my sort of "Why are you still dealing with me?" is a different thing.

Ok. I'm totally confused. I know I'm a broken record. Somehow you offered me an extra session to do the ADA paperwork (but don't have openings when I am crashing)? After seeing pdoc weekly for weeks, I canceled this week's appt because I was feeling better. Now that I am feeling bad again, H is upset that I canceled pdoc. You can write that I am severely depressed and that has a substantial impact on my ability to do my job. But I'm to handle this emotional pain on my own? Well, it turns out we handed the ADA paperwork by email so no need for extra sessions for that reason.

I don't even know if I want reasonable accommodations because I doubt I'll get them anyways, so why "disclose"?

Okay, I'll try to go back to happy thoughts.

Ohhh, please, T, please. Please respond the way I need you to.

Dear T

I completely, 100% trust you as far as therapy goes. I trust you know what you are doing and we seem to get along well and our work is moving forward...so I am not exactly sure why I have made 4 different appointments to see other Ts in town. I have no plans whatsoever of leaving you or our work, so it is a bit of a mystery why I am doing this.

I miss you lots

A few random thoughts for you:

I wish you cared about me, but in the same way that I wish anyone cared about me. And yet I don't care if you care because I don't care about myself.

One of this week's vocabulary words is invisible. That's how I feel. I know I can be seen physically, but once I leave a room, it's almost as though I cease to exist to anyone else. Should we discuss this in 2 weeks? It probably won't feel important then.

How old are you?

I am already up and in spite of my allergies making me sluggish, I feel determined to get things done like I did yesterday. I am taking assertive steps to address various things that have been ignored. I learned early on to swipe things under the rug so one could stay in denial.

I feel so hopeful now and at the same time I am afraid I am going to fail. But the good outweighs the bad. Thank you for accepting my neediness in session and out. It really has made a huge difference I am really pushing forward to do my part. I can't imagine what it is like to not loose so many things every day. I used to put it out of mind because I couldn't stand the ambivalence it caused. It's like I silenced a voice of mine.

All 3 of us (including the dog), are changing. Our communications are starting to be where we want it to be. All of us have had to change and it is and will continue to be difficult. But, I made a point to talk to H about this because I was feeling like he didn't want me anymore, like he didn't want to be around me, that he wanted to leave. So, we talked about it and he said none of that is true. I told him that we both need to communicate now more than ever before.

I texted H and emailed him one day like I usually do (no answer) and then again the next day (no answer) . This really wratcheted up my anxiety. So the last email I sent him telling him we need to talk, I said, PLease respond, and he did.

It's like my issues that have played out in your room is now being played irl. I think D is taking it in stride and probably wonders if it will last. We helped her with a problem she was having, so I have a lot of hope for the future. Like, I hope that things can get better and continue to do so. So that's my update

Hope might be warranted at this time.

They don't want me and neither do you.

Yes I am feeling better now and have calmed down quite a bit. Thank you so much... To everyone... For the support and reminders and wisdom.

Hope you are having a good time, T.

Love you. Miss you.

Every time I quit my meds I start thinking that They want to control me using you, using meds, using people around me... They make people be nice to me. I have no idea if people know? Who's side are they on?

The thought that you might be not real... is killing me. Of course I don't deserve you. They made me believe...that you like me and so on. How foolish of me. What do they need? Do you know?

I guess They don't exist. You don't exist. I don't exist. It's just an illusion, a dream, idk. I have no idea what's going on. I'm scared and want this to stop.

Eta I love you

I wish I could just live as a hermit, where I saw nobody, where I didn't have to spend all hours trying to figure things out. I am in a downward slump and I'm already dreading work tomorrow. I am trying to change, but I am concurrently becoming overwhelmed. I have to go to the store to get some things but I'm so out of it. I'm trying to stay afloat by watching YouTube videos. They have a good one on gratitude where the person uses photography and videography to depict nature. I need to go elsewhere to appreciate something I've not seen before, but maybe later. I so badly want to find myself out of this whatever it is but I can't. I'm so tired of posting negativity. I don't know how to do this. This just may be my lot in life. Maybe I can't get better than this. I can keep writing here, and I have gotten better, but is there any hope of getting out of this part of the affliction? At what point to I stop and just accept this is who I am for the rest of my life.
I wish you would read and respond to this, T. But I get it anyway.

Have you ever just given up on someone who is hopeless?

Ihope you see that these paranoid thoughts kick up a notch when you STOP your meds. I hope you go back on them, because you do seem a bit more stable on them.

I get the itch to stop taking them. I have done it a few times myself, and every single time, I spiral down. It has happened enough where I am willing not to play that game (at least now in my life).

Has anyone had the itch to take more - not for SI but to feel better? When I play with my meds it's because I up my antidepressant. I will be feeling down for so long and then something will happen and I'll take an extra dose, and feel better. A few days later I'll do it again. Then I start taking 2 doses every day. It doesn't work out for me in the long run. For a couple of days I feel really good, then by 2wks depersonalization/derealization sets in hard and I don't feel like me, I don't know who I am, I have to remind myself of my name, I wonder what this person with this name is like, I am not that name... type of deal.

Just give something to hold on to.

45 hours.

My heart just f***ing aches for you. God dammit.

I just have to get through 24 more hours. It feels so hard. I wish I didn't feel so needy right now.

I think that the fact that H and I are changing the dynamic, that that, along with some stress at work,---lost my train of thought, but I noticed that H is not reacting to me as he usually does. And you know how sensitive I am, it is triggering my emotions, which brings up my doubt about him. I talked to him about it and it is because he is getting frustrated that he can't do things he wants to do. Things he usually would do (like obsessively hover over me). I took it as he hated me and didn't want to be with me anymore. Also, when I talk to him, I will get the silent answer which I hate anyway. For that he keeps telling me he doesn't get what I'm saying. Maybe in the DP state I don't make sense or whatever?

Another clue this is bothering me is that for two days I was upset that he didn't return my emails/texts. I'm not usually like this with him. But our relationship is changing in a good way (but painful) but I think it is bringing up my abandonment fears.

I asked for an extra session because I am having massive anxiety and I need to know how to handle all of these things I have been dealing with and other possible things that might be triggering also. Plus,, I am dealing with a lot of shame about who I am and who I am not. Thanks T.

I just spent the last hour reading every email you ever sent me.

I'm glad it's not just me who does this.

No, only because I have a hard time in believing medication works for me.
I may have done this before...