Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I'm so sorry you met such a terrible GP. Scars are nothing to be ashamed off and she's a **** person for making those crass comments about SHing on your stomach.I hope you do get that hug You're not alone. If you do tell your therapist, I hope they react well.

T,

I want to hurt myself. I'm trying to resist, but I really really want to.

Thank you.

The power of connecting through story helped in a way I don't even understand. I feel pretty raw, but the kind of raw that happens when you take the bandage off and can let the wound heal in fresh air.

I am still trying to process it all, the words won't come yet. I stare at my journal and jot disjointed notes and start to cry instead of writing. I think that's good. I am starting to feel it instead of thinking things away.

P.S. Remember when we talked about how sometimes clients drop "doorknob bombs?" You ask those big questions right at the end of sessions...

P.P.S. I know I made a joke about wearing a sparkly tiara, but only because you're right. I did understand what you were getting at. The crown IS heavy. Stop being so right.

I want to come later but I don't know if I'm welcome anymore. are you dreading seeing me? Hoping I will just disappear?

I am so dreading your reaction when I see you on Tuesday. Will you be surprised? Suspicious? Make a joke? Or will you act like nothing has changed, like everything is normal?
I don't even know how I want you to react. I've rehearsed my responses to a thousand different scenarios in my head but I know I still won't be prepared for whatever you say.
It's been five months. What will be different? What will be the same?

If you think you have been naive in assessing my risk to you, then maybe you should save yourself.

Did he say that? This post made me think how we are risks to them and they are risks to us, in different ways. And how hopefully despite that trust comes to the room, and commitment and constancy and handles the risk safely?

I cried again at work. I'm inadequate, incompetent, underperforming at work.

Yes he did. I think they hurt us more than they know, rather than the other way around.

QM-you're doing the best you can right now. Turning up whilst you're ill, can be a Herculean trial.

thank u t

I feel strange. Quite disconnected. I guess you won't reply to my email 'cos you're doing whatever the Thursday thing is that means you're not seeing me tonight.

I think I just feel like going to sleep.

Usually I would be with you now.

I have this deep-seated anger within and I am doing my best not to let it show, and to not act on it. I am wondering if it has anything to do with the young ego state that we talked about. I am wondering if I am angry because it makes me feel like I have no power. Like, I can't not feel angry even though I am sick of feeling this way. I don't want to feel powerless, but I do. I don't want to feel the need to post either, but I do. How in the world do I feel compassion for myself when my anger is so stark and intensified? Again, my brain tries to reason with myself, but I think my emotions are deaf. So, it is so disturbing to feel as if my intellect is trying to steer me in the right direction and my emotions abduct me and take over simultaneously. So, I am dealing with my intellect (the voice of reason), I am dealing with a young, needy part, and I am dealing with the awareness that I should be able to convince my whole self that my intellect is trying to steer me right, while I am also dealing with painful affect including anger. I can't even explain it, it is so difficult to put into words. My anger isn't helping me at all And there's nothing I can do about it, that I know of. I know I will make it through this, but I am looking for the perfect words to convey how I feel and have yet to find them.

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. I know much of it was just relaying what happened Tuesday, but I think there was some good therapeutic stuff in the end. I felt so awkward talking about the stone you gave me (thanks for letting me keep it longer). I think I'm scared that if you realize exactly how much it meant to me that you gave it to me...you'll make me give it back. (Especially because somehow I'm the only client in 15 years of you practicing to ask for one? I mean, I guess the one guy stole one...) Which...probably is an excellent example of how screwed up my attachment issues are...(and also the lasting effect of what happened with MC). Perhaps that's a potential topic for Monday, if I can work up the courage...
Love you,
LT
PS--Good to know you'd never look me up on social media (or on here) without asking me first!

Please help

I really want to reply to you and tell you what has happened today. But at the same time I want to be left with the resonance of how you signed off that last email. I feel like replying will somehow dull the warm feeling i get when I read that. I love you and I miss you.

Did some googling. Feeling kinda... vibratey inside.

Probably time to go to bed.

Please reply to my email tomorrow

Okay I think I'm starting to panic a bit now.

i knew you'd leave
in the end
i knew it

What happened, TMC? Hope this is to your former T, not your current one...not that it would be good either way, but...

so T, i did a thing that ostensibly is a good thing for me to do, and it made me want to drink more (as in i am drinking instead of not), and i felt much worse. this is what happens when i try to socialize.

It hurts so much to be reminded that S sees you too and that you were "damn happy" to see her. You're neutral about seeing me and never overtly welcoming.