Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXXI

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

oh, t. today was a $shitshow. i hate me. never a good sign when i come home and pour a drink.

I feel like I'm on such thin ice. That things could go wrong at any moment. And I get swallowed up

When he went out of his way to do that, I felt so

minimized
inconsequential
unworthy
debased
lowered
devaluated

When he asked me to help him stop gawking I felt. . .

like he was glad I knew what he was doing (he was really demonstrative) and he was glad to put me in the humiliating position of "stopping" him.

I think you were kind of laughing at me and I was trying to be vulnerable. Maybe you were laughing in a "wow, I can't believe he did that" laugh. I don't know. Or is it because you are a guy and you don't see this as a big deal? It's a soul-crushing big deal. Not what was done, but the manner in which it was done. And the comment . . . you know.

And what I told you at the end. . .

I feel so defeminized. Dehumanized. So desolate. So irrelevant. So alone.

T, this has really disturbed me to the core. I don't know if I can wait for Wednesday. Are you thinking that I am just a stupid woman who can't deal with a man's instincts? Do you think this is all me? I want to be invisible . I want to disappear off the face of the earth.

T. called in for work tomorrow. i can't deal. i don't think you or anyone can help me, i truly don't.

Please don't be disgusted by me. Better, please tell me you are not disgusted by me.

God I feel dreadful.

T....i e-mailed you, so you know. what is wrong with me? is it just because after college, something in my brain broke, and that was that? there are no answers. no "reason" to be?

i hate it. HATE IT. I want there to be an answer! Why, I don't know? Can't I just accept that is what happened and move forward?

Except...I do not know HOW to move forward, or what I even WANT to move forward.

You can't answer those questions, hence the cement wall.

MLK,

I am not worried about disappointing you if I can't email you a yes or give you the stuff. I am afraid of loosing confidence in myself. I know I will recover, but I would rather do it now. This protesting stuff is cr*^.

Thanks for being cool when I said I can't pay you this month and you will have to wait till next month. It may have to wait till July - will see.

AesB

Dear FM,

I get back after months away and you left today. So you are finally taking a proper vacation, ten days away; I am happy for you. I've known you for six-plus years and you have done taken 1-4 day off, and they were for conferences, family business, and a funeral. I remember when you first went away for four days and I asked you to send me a postcard, it was about a year after we terminated. You said you would try your best, and you did despite the lousy postal service there. I got the postcard five days after you returned. Now, I am 41/2 years post therapy and I am happy for you and your family. I wonder if we were still doing therapy if I would have different feelings and such as that frantic child feeling. I didn't when you were away for the 4 days.

We will do breakfast/lunch as soon as you get back so I can share my future plans with you. I was avoiding the topic yesterday after you asked me because I wanted to share the news in context and there was no time to have a good conversation.

I spoke to MLK about telling you and we both spoke about how my momentary protest to life may be connected to you. That last puzzle piece is ready to be fitted but the five-year-old is holding out. Yes, I know this is more about my parents and how I fit into the world, but by finishing this piece then I have no claim to staying on my couch, day after day, and turn from the world like I did for so many years. I want my sofa!...I think.

Thank you for joining me at the musical, one of my favorites. I enjoyed looking over at you and your kid to see your faces when you were laughing. Glad to know this play is on your list of favorite musicals. I will miss our outings and introducing you to new things.

Love,
AesB

Hope you're ready to see me in 15 days! You've got five months worth of **** to deal with coming your way!

T,

P,
I don't know what to do. I'm not in a good place. I want to email you and tell you I'm not in a good place but you just got back from vacation and that feels so needy to me. I want to tell you to please just give up on me so I can give up. But I also hope you won't give up on me. Everything hurts so much and feels so hopeless. I want a hug so bad, but I would never ask and I doubt I would accept because I feel so unworthy of one. I'm lonely, but you already know that. I can't open up to people because all that would come out is PAIN and nobody wants to deal with that. I would quickly overwhelm someone with the pain I feel right now and I can't do that to someone. I just want to give up and quit and die now.

M.

Thank you so much for your caring offer.

It feels so good to know that I was of concern and you cared for my well being.

I don’t think that I can remember being of real concern to someone in a way that would inconvenience someone else in a long time.

There were tears and I sat with them for a bit trying to sort out my thoughts. It was a lot and that part of me that takes care of things stepped in and the tears went away.

They were there though and I felt them in a zoned out kind of way.

Thank you!

"headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."

Dr Seuss = Oh the places you'll go.

Thank you for giving me a morning slot, but I still have 1 hours and 53 minutes left.



Edit: 1 hour exactly.

T,

I’m sorry. I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. Still,



I know there’s not much you can do when i shut you out as completely as I did for the past 3 sessions.
Why can’t you have a magic wand and make everything better?

T.
By far you have been the best therapist I've seen over the decades and I feel like you genuinely want to see me get over my difficulties, but you are trying to build on a foundation that doesn't exist. What derailed my life began so early that no matter what I do it is always a reaction to those events, and I have no concept of what normalcy should feel like. There are no memories of the person I was before it began... this is all I am.

I'm so weary of feeling as hollow as I do every single day of my life, but I am too embarrassed to tell anybody what I think might help me. Every time I leave our sessions I hate that I was once again held prisoner by my past, my mouth refusing to speak what my mind has wished to for so many years.

Eventually I think you will come to see me as a lost cause and give up.

I’ve been checking my email every three minutes for the past two days-I feel like I’m going insane. No news better than bad news? I don’t know, I feel pretty stupid either way. I haven’t been this anxious since university and I feel like my entire body is fighting a war. I can’t quieten it down and I’m honestly starting to wonder if there’s any point in trying so f%#king hard to be ok. I don’t really know what to do—next session seems like ages away and right now I’m trying not to break down at work or do something stupid. I don’t know if I’m internalising you or obsessing—either way I am terrified of losing you and the possibility looms over me heavily. I can’t breathe. Everything is hectic and I am hectic and I’m really losing hope in a future that’s not s%#t. What’s the point if everyone around me either leaves or dies? I’m tired.

I feel a bit better today. I saw my supervisor he was very validating regarding a (non-client-related) professional issue I've been having so that helped I think. I feel a bit more positive though I have no idea how to "fight my corner" as he suggested.

My brain is hella fuzz balls right now I hope it clears up =[

Dear Blondie --

It sounds like you're cheerfully, blissfully unaware that stress may have had anything to do with my recent situation.

And, consequently, that addressing my anxiety and stress in therapy you know....might've.....possibly helped a teeny weeny bit?

Except of course I'm clearly totally incompetent at figuring out when I'm stressed, let alone what I'm stressed about -- I've described to you feeling paralyzed constantly by similar symptoms (racing heart, fogginess, light-headed-ness) and you've put it all down to trauma + more recent stuff triggering the trauma.

I'm not sure if we can keep going down that path -- it sounds like it'll take forever to sort out, if ever.

And, much as I'm putting on a brave face, I am terrified that something like it will happen again and while kicking the bucket would be totally okay, I'm much more worried about becoming permanently disabled somehow.

I don't know how to talk about all of this with you -- I suspect your response will be to widen your eyes and say something along the lines of 'That sounds awful, I'm so sorry' which is just going to enrage me and leave me feeling even more stuck because your sheer inadequacy as a therapist to do anything more than some version of a watered-down textbook attachment therapy will become terribly clear all around.

Please step up for heaven's sake?

I know I'm panicking -- likely needlessly -- but for once, I really need to know I'm in competent hands. And, all of this without even sorting out the complex relationship tangles that this episode has brought up in my life.....and which I am really so not prepared to deal with right now.

- AY

I'm well aware you have a business to run but after 2+ years and really a first time occurance you could have handled this with a lot more sensitivity. And the sad thing is I'll probably cave and pathetically come crawling back to you

I'm really questioning why I shared what I shared with you. Too late now, right? grumble grumble... is there anyway you can just like erase from your memory the last 15 mins of our last session? Where's my magic wand now??

AND I am not going to email you about this. I'll deal with it.

I want to text you.

How r u
I miss you already, is it May yet?