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  #1  
Old May 14, 2018, 04:31 AM
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MatBell MatBell is offline
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I just came back from my appointment. Really not feeling good at the moment.
I felt my t was a bit harsh with me. I know she wants me well, but when I feel like this I would appreciate her being a bit more gentle. I just feel very raw when I'm this bad.

Mostly she wanted me to look her in the eyes all the time. She did it so I got rid of "the feeling of shame". But she kept insisting on it to the point where I got annoyed and forgot what I was saying. It's normal to look away when thinking, right?

She hadn't done this before and it got to me.

Have you tried this? To the point where you almost didn't want to say anymore or even quit going to your therapist?
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  #2  
Old May 14, 2018, 06:40 AM
Tbhimscared Tbhimscared is offline
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I have a really hard time staying on topic with my T so recently she's put more pressure on me to stick with what I started talking about, usually something that's really difficult for me to talk about. It makes me frustrated and I feel like walking out of there sometimes because my brain tells me that it isnt a worthwhile conversation to have when it's actually something that I find hard to talk about (and those things are usually the most important and hurtful).
Maybe your T thinks that you need the harsher approach, some of her clients may need that but you could try explaining that that doesn't help you and you want her to be more gentle when you're feeling that way. I need the harsh T approach to get anything done but we aren't all the same so I suggest you tell her how you feel about the session and that you want to take smaller steps. Good luck talking with T
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  #3  
Old May 14, 2018, 06:52 AM
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LonesomeTonight LonesomeTonight is online now
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I would tell her that the "looking in her eyes" thing is making it harder for you to focus on what you and she are saying. And that you need a gentler approach when you're feeling raw. If it's too hard to say that, you could write it down and give it to her at start of session (or over e-mail if she allows that). I've told current T a few times something like, "Today I just really need support, not feedback" (he tends to give a lot of feedback, sometimes in a devil's advocate sort of way), and he's generally been fine with that and did what I asked.
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  #4  
Old May 14, 2018, 07:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
I would tell her that the "looking in her eyes" thing is making it harder for you to focus on what you and she are saying. And that you need a gentler approach when you're feeling raw. If it's too hard to say that, you could write it down and give it to her at start of session (or over e-mail if she allows that). I've told current T a few times something like, "Today I just really need support, not feedback" (he tends to give a lot of feedback, sometimes in a devil's advocate sort of way), and he's generally been fine with that and did what I asked.


I told mine the same today: no “solutions” today. I just wanted to talk and feel understood. Don’t want a list if things to do.
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  #5  
Old May 14, 2018, 07:26 AM
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I am bad at therapy, when I feel depressed or down, I hide it from him. I put on my "happy" face like I do with everyone else and just go with a light session, it's very hard to undo a lifetime habit of not expressing those depressing feelings.

So in this sense I can't answer you but I would guess he would be very compassionate and understanding as he is with all the other stuff I've done....

It is good you told her what you wanted/needed. That's important
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  #6  
Old May 14, 2018, 07:27 AM
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SalingerEsme SalingerEsme is offline
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My T is also harsh beyond what I think is a good experience sometimes . Not all the time.
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  #7  
Old May 14, 2018, 01:08 PM
MessyD MessyD is offline
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I would feel the same if my T did that. So far he has been always gentle when I feel down. Sometimes he asks me if I can look at him to but does so nicely and if I don't want to, he will leave me alone. But eventually I will try because it does help me. He can challenge me sometimes but I would feel hurt if he was harsh when I'm feeling down. But I'm sensitive and I don't like to be talked harsh in general. Since this is the first time she did that, maybe she is just trying different approach, I read some therapists do that. I think it's ok to tell her that you didn't like it and it stops you from being able to talk to her.
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  #8  
Old May 14, 2018, 03:00 PM
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ScarletPimpernel ScarletPimpernel is offline
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It's actually natural to look up when you're thinking about something. It's almost as if you're literally looking in your brain for answers.

Plus we still have animal instincts. Staring someone in the eyes can be intimidating and feel like a power struggle.

Some eye contact is healthy. But 100% of the time seems unnatural.
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  #9  
Old May 14, 2018, 03:07 PM
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Are you able to tell her that her strategy isnt working for you? My T used to push too hard until I started to tell her that it was going to far and she needed to back off. You know whats going on in you and she is just doing what she thinks is best but, if its not working and making things worse, she needs to know.
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  #10  
Old May 14, 2018, 10:09 PM
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feralkittymom feralkittymom is offline
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Is your T CBT oriented in general? I ask because eye contact is viewed very differently depending upon the modality used. From a psychodynamic point of view, trying to force eye contact is viewed as potentially shaming and non-productive. The idea that thinking is enhanced by looking away is very strong in psychoanalytic work. Tell her how uncomfortable it makes you and see if she can explain what she's doing by trying to intervene.
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  #11  
Old May 14, 2018, 10:29 PM
MRT6211 MRT6211 is offline
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Yes, definitely, my T can be quite harsh when I’m struggling. That’s honestly her style, though. And with me, she knows that’s the only thing that will get through to me and get me out of ineffective behavioral patterns. She will literally raise her voice and lecture me about the potential consequences of my actions and why what I’m doing is ineffective. That may sound bad or intimidating to other people, but that’s the only thing that seems to work with me. Usually this makes me cry, stop talking, and feel a lot of shame initially, but then we talk through stuff and I end up feeling better. This often happens when I go to her in crisis/l-mode, and she kinda snaps me out of it. It’s harsh, but it works.

So I guess the question is, did this accomplish the objective that you and your T wanted it to, and is it the best/only way to accomplish that objective? If the answer is yes, then maybe it’s not such a bad thing. If the answer is no, maybe you need to explore with her what could help you more in these scenarios in the future.
  #12  
Old May 15, 2018, 04:59 AM
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MatBell MatBell is offline
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Thanks everyone. I do feel less wanting to see her when she's like that when I'm at my worst. In the end you don't "dare" to show her you feel bad. I hate being talked to like I'm a child like that, correcting me and so on.
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  #13  
Old May 15, 2018, 12:01 PM
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MRT..I wish my T would be more harsh with me. I have actually asked him too multiple times but he will not because of my past abuse. He said the abuse is what caused my sick twisted head (my words not his) and being harsh is not going to improve it. I still wish he would yell at me and try to knock some sense into me but he is always calm and kind. Ugh.
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  #14  
Old May 15, 2018, 06:13 PM
MRT6211 MRT6211 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zoiecat View Post
MRT..I wish my T would be more harsh with me. I have actually asked him too multiple times but he will not because of my past abuse. He said the abuse is what caused my sick twisted head (my words not his) and being harsh is not going to improve it. I still wish he would yell at me and try to knock some sense into me but he is always calm and kind. Ugh.
Idk...it’s not always so good. Today I was down and was in a DBT skills group with T (although there were only 2 of us there today), and I kept asking her how I even do mindfulness and then giving her examples of how I was bad st it and how I tried it and it didn’t work. And then finally...she went off on me. See, I’ve been regressing with my BPD behaviors again lately, and she was not happy that I was arguing with her about stuff. All I wanted was help, though. I wanted her to tell me how to do this stuff.
She started going off on me about how I worked too hard to get to this point to be self-sabatoging like I am and to throw all of this away by not using my skills and how this is the most important time to use my skills. She said that if I’m throwing in the towel, then so is she because she’s not going to work harder than I am. And she did all of this in front of another person (who I do not know well).
I felt awful after this. I feel ever more like I want to self-harm. She usually is good at knowing whenyo be tough on me and when to be gentle, but today she got it wrong. She was very tough on me, and I just collapsed under it. I stopped talking to her and looking at her for the rest of group. I went to my car after and cried. I have group therapy and session with her tomorrow and I don’t even want to go. I want to avoid her. She made me mad and upset today and I just needed some dang empathy.
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  #15  
Old May 15, 2018, 06:57 PM
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zoiecat zoiecat is offline
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MRT...sorry she was too tough on you today. I can see how that would be disturbing and embarrassing in front of someone else. I would definitely say something at your next session. Tell her how it made you feel. If you really want to impress her and let her know you are working, write up a DEAR MAN to address the issue with her. In case you don't know that is a DBT skill. Look it up in your book and plan what to say to her accordingly. Describe the facts of the situation in group and Express how it made you feel. Be Assertive and tell her what you would like (help with using skills if that is the case), then Reinforce her wanted actions by telling her what is in it for her if she could give you what you want or need. For example, you might be more cooperative or make more progress in therapy if she could.......

Good luck tomorrow. I know I have been at a cross roads with my T too. I am learning to tell him when he does something that effects me negatively. I have DID and am kind of in denial right now so he has graciously agreed to still work with me until I decide to start accepting my dx again. In the meantime we have been working almost exclusively on DBT skills. I suck at it too. He keeps asking me which ones would help with such and such and I constantly say I don't know. Today I was begging him to help me and give me some suggestions. I will catch on eventually. So will you.
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