Internalizing loneliness and sense of self

I'll explain… hopefully I'm coherent enough.

I have been in therapy for a little over than a year now. In the last few months, I've noticed I'm having increasing in number conversations with my therapist in my head. Seriously, it happens a LOT, whenever I have time for myself… it bothers me!

At first, I thought I was developing romantic feelings for her (sometimes I do have them… I'm familiar with the term transference), than I figured it's okay and that it's just a way for me to process thoughts and overall feelings.

Currently my social life are not skyrocketing (…) and most of my interactions are with my family.

Only recently, I opened up to my therapist, and started making a progress towards getting in touch with my feelings (and slowly removing the defense mechanism of rationalizing every single thing).

Now my problem is that I feel like I'm not really facing my loneliness and issues. I feel like a little girl with an imaginary friend instead of an adult handling life as it is, understanding that I'm only with myself when I'm alone… I feel like I push forward to promote my mental wellness in accordance to what I would like to say to her, or share with her in our next session, as opposed to really introspecting and figuring out on my own what it is that I really feel, think and want for myself.

I can't seem to succeed in stopping the talking in my head (I don't hear voices…), and as for now I don't really know how to. However, I want to.

Does anyone else experience anything similar and can relate? or maybe have an opinion about that? Any suggestions on how to perceive or resolve the issue?

If you made it this far - I would really appreciate it if you share your thoughts with me. Thanks in advance

[BTW I realize I should bring this up with her, and I will, at some point…it's time will come]

I wonder if the internal dialogue is an intermediate step, a stepping stone.

You're experiencing some success in processing new ideas and expression with your therapist. It seems natural to practice those skills in a sort of internal dialogue even when she's not there, because that's how you're learning right now.

Eventually, strengthening your awareness of your own inner process could lead you to figure it out on your own in a way that feels more natural to you.

Yes! And I hate it...

I’ve been working with my T for a few years with some measurable improvements in my overall quality of life. During none of these past years, have I felt any indication of transference or really anything deeper than the appreciation of benefiting from a competent professional.

I have had sessions biweekly or monthly, when well and weekly when not. Which I add only because I don’t see how that frequency could be the source of the problem.

More to the point, I’m finding it maddening to think about a T this much. I’m okay with appreciating her perspective or even hearing her voice in certain (but infrequent!) situations. I cannot abide caring what she might think more than I care what I think!!! Why am I actually planning my life with such a serious consideration of our next session?! The only thing I can think of is that it’s a reflection of my real life and currently limited social interactions in which deeper discussions just aren’t a feature. I’m which case I think I’d prefer to face my loneliness and do something about it irl instead of masking things with this strictly professional relationship. No?

Let me know if you have any major relevalations! I don’t think I’m ready to bring this up in therapy until I’ve sat with it a bit.

PS I actually had to check a couple times to make sure I wasn’t responding to a post I wrote myself in the middle of some sleepless night because I get it.

I talk to myself (I shall say all my parts), no I am not DID, all the time. I am usually asking the either to behave. I do talk to my T in my head as well. I talk about things I would never talk to him about in therapy usually. It is very noisy in my head and it is hard to quite everyone down. This is why I have a hard time laying there doing breathing exercises or meditation. I just an not get everyone to shut up.

Judy because you're using conversations in your head with T didn't mean you're not facing up to your life as is.
Is still you doing it.
Until T I had my abusive mothers voice in my head berating me.
Not I am able to develops a healthy inner voice because of T.
It sounds like maybe it's your negative internal voice telling you it's somehow wrong to be being these monologues with T.
Just means your works not finished.

I think this is totally normal and expected. Isn't this what they mean when they talk about internalizing the therapist's voice. I think that it's meant to be a stepping stone and then eventually you begin to internalize your own inner voice in place of it but maybe someone else on here can explain it better.

I have been doing this too for quite a while now. I imagine conversations with my T and what he would say and respond. At first, it was very disconcerting but I read up on it and began to understand it was a 'thing'. I don't think you can stop yourself from the thoughts and the more you try the more frustrating it will be. I would just try and accept the thoughts and conversations. Even enjoy them if you can. It will help you process things too. My mind never stops thinking and at times it gets annoying. I have found things like meditation and yoga to be helpful.

I too have experienced a kind of pre-occupation with my a T that I was seeing, that felt like a bit of a distraction from living my life. I see it as a kind of negative side effect of therapy. The therapy was helpful, and I had to put up with that happening. I don't know if will power can beat it. I found that when I felt more secure in the relationship, it happened less.

I talk to my T in my head all the time... Before my T I would do it with my best friend, before that with random people or a teacher or whoever I felt like talking to. I don't think talking to someone in your head means that you are not facing your issues or thinking about yourself. For me for example it is much easier to think about myself if I imagine a conversation, instead of just sitting there going 'why is this like that'. Also, in thinking about what you'd like to tell your T during a session, aren't you actually thinking about yourself? You are thinking about what you deem important in your life, what bothers you, what you want to improve on. As others have said, this happens to a lot of people. For some it gets 'better' over time as they start to move away from that dialogue and towards talking to themselves or another person in their life. For some it will always be their T to whom they talk on some level (or rather who they hear as a voice to guide them in life), as far as I have heard.

As you have already said yourself, the most useful way to resolve this for yourself is to talk to your T about it. She can change things about your therapy so it moves into the direction you'd like it to.

Thank all of you for your responses.

I will try giving it another thought – maybe it is my negative internal voice that's still fighting its way out. I want to be in peace with myself – and this could be just a defense mechanism. That might be a manifest of a fixation, and facing-then-accepting it will give me another chance to let go. Mouse_62 – I'm glad to hear your T helped you change and grow out from your mother voice berating you. Good job for finding the strength, awareness and will within you to work your way out of the pattern.

It could be a stepping-stone on my way. The talking in my head does keep me involved in the process. WarmFuzzySocks, Thalassophie & CHickenNoodleSoup – thank you for your words. They give me a different perspective and hope that I will evolve through and from the situation. The thought of ending the therapy (came across my mind because it came up one session) left me with a feeling of discomfort that I'll find myself - only with myself and with the conversations, which then would feel less natural, more lonely, empty and pointless. I'll try to use my current situation to find a way-to-connect that settles with me, and will also give things time to take their place naturally. Meanwhile, it is helpful to perceive it as a way to channel my thoughts.

I can dwell into the thoughts, and yes, even enjoy them, but this accompanied with some guilt and sense that something is wrong with me – that there is something not capable about me. It's comforting in a way to know that others experience this too.

I am not trying to fight the thoughts off, I want to find a state of mind that feels centered.

Trying meditation and yoga is a good advice (!). I have intrusive thoughts now and then and I find yoga to be very helpful in distracting the mind for a while and sustaining it relaxed.

White dove – in case you want to share more, what does it mean for you to experience pre-occupation with your T? what kind of thoughts did you have? To me it also feels like a distraction at times. is that the only reason why you see it as a negative side effect? Did it have any good impact on you?

MoxieDoxie – What do you feel about the things you've describes? Does it bother you? If it does, I encourage you to (in your own pace) bring it up in therapy. Even starting the share from the reason why you don't bring it up…

I have done this forever...with whatever therapist I happen to have and sometimes imagining other people too. Mostly I am ok with it and use it to sort of plan out my next session. It does sometimes seem to get a little obsessive, and when that happens I try to find other people to talk to. I have to admit that is one of the reasons I am on this forum...a lot of people are a bit obsessed about therapy. I guess I think maybe it is part of the process. For some reason it helps to get a second therapist too. It's harder for me to be obsessed with 2 of them at the same time.

I know this question wasn't directed at me but I just wanted to share that I have experienced an intense preoccupation with my T at various times throughout my therapy. It seems to ebb and flow but has never really completely gone away since I've been with him. I have had every thought imaginable.(Mainly positive thoughts) I have brought it up on a handful of occasions but never really spoken directly about the thoughts themselves. At times I have thought that perhaps it is a distraction and that I am avoiding something by focusing on my T. Most times after I write or speak about it though I have found some insight into how the feelings for him are actually similar or related to something in my past so it can't be all bad. At times it doesn't feel good in fact it feels terrible but I am trying to see it as part of the work.