[ECHOES]

Rescue. It's been about rescue lately and especially the last couple of weeks.

Seeing T with the little boy patient, bringing him out to see him safely to Dad. The little boy himself. Dad waiting in the waiting room for him to return.

The wild, frantic, desparate wanting to "be the little girl you love", I said.that I had to call her and tell her that. HAD to. Even feeling embarrassed about it and knowing how crazy it sounded. I told her I didn't let anyone see me like that and I thought it was important; she said she agreed when she called back and again in session. In one of the calls to her that night I cried, "I NEED you. I need you now. Where are you?"

That night I was pacing with anxiety and I wished I still smoked. I didn't desire a cigarette, but I wished I still smoked.

That night I remembered two books I'd read many years ago about children in therapy, as I recalled, and HAD to find them somewhere. I don't have them so I was looking for them online. I couldn't find them and it further distressed me. I NEEDED them.

The next day struggling at work I thought that when I used to feel like this I'd drink and/or drug. It was a recognition that I was in a place I'd been in before. I didn't want to drink or drug though. I was choosing to be uncomfortable so I could get through it this time, with T.

In session I asked T why I didn't ever "get it". Why, after fantasizing for years about so many 'possible good mothers', I didn't get it--that it was never going to happen. Why didn't I 'get that' and stop it? I said too that I feel foolish for wanting it still. How ridiculous and stupid. I'm not a little girl and never will be again. It won't happen, yet I won't give it up. I refuse to "get it". Why?!!?!

Today I took a nap and upon waking, in that peaceful thinking state, I realized how much all this is about rescue.

Rescue then..Why couldn't they see my pain and rescue me?

Rescue now...Why can't T see my pain and rescue me?

Rescue all my life...From searching for things outside of me to make me feel whole. From denial of the truth..

That there is no rescue.

[krazibean]

as my T would tell me, you have to rescue yourself. no one else can do it for you.

i hate posting that because i absolutley hate that answer...because its the last thing you want to hear. all you want is for someone to come in and save you. how can you help yourself when it is you who you need saving from? i still dont get it, and i still want my T to save me. but she always tells me...you need to save yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

I drafted a reply to this but don't really want to post it

Sending hugs instead

I think you're doing good work and making important connections, even though it feels like shyt

[sunrise]

I'm sorry you are feeling down, ECHOES. ((((hugs))))

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I refuse to "get it". Why?!!?!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">You are stuck in the trauma of that pain.

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Rescue then..Why couldn't they see my pain and rescue me?

Rescue now...Why can't T see my pain and rescue me?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
ECHOES, I can feel your pain. Do you have a strategy in therapy for working on this issue? What does your T suggest?

Early in my therapy, we worked with a little girl ego state of mine and I (the grown-up ego state sunny) learned to "rescue" her. I found this very healing to know I could do this. And very empowering. I don't know if something similar would help you or is part of your T's repertoire.

(((((((hugs)))))))

[ECHOES]

krazibean, yeah I know that there is no rescue. that it's up to me.

fuzzy, thank you!

Thank you sunny.

While I have struggled with this issue of rescue before, prior to this T, I haven't been able to see that it was happening again until now. It takes me a while. I talked about rescue with her early on, around something a little different.

I tend to not understand what is going on until I'm way in the thick of it or sometimes not until it's over.

I think she's been waiting for me to get to this place of awareness where I am right now.

Though the realization can make me feel sad, it is also freeing. I'm freed up of the energy I was putting into thinking that it was about something besides rescue. Facing those things we fear (the fact that there is no rescue) is freeing. I feel like now I can talk about it because I can talk about it without fighting the reality of it.

This is why I love analysis and learning how the mind works. Unconsciously I've been looking for rescue but consciously it's been about other things, because I know there is no rescue. So there's been a struggle going on that's been difficult, but now that it's out in the open it will be easier to dissect and learn from.

There is a lot to learn. To be perceptive to what's going on, to learn my needs and feelings (I just have no words for them often). I'll get there.

[Perna]

I identified with the book searching, having to have "that" particular book.

You have those books, they're "in" you, as is your rescueability (which is why you thought of those books). I think we get rescued when we need it, by the "best" rescuer for us; kind of like "when the student is ready, the teacher appears"? Only there's a rescue version so when we're really in need, help shows up. You haven't drowned yet have you? :-)

There's a line in a book that I don't quite remember but loved about the author wondering why whenever she has to let go she always leaves claw marks :-) It ain't easy but we do it; grow up.