[LostOnTheTrail]

New Dear T.

Have something you want to tell your T but can't? Post it here.
Have something you wish you could say to your T but aren't sure if you should or how? Post it here.

Anything you would like to say to your T, big or small - feel free to post it here.

Continued from Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something, but I Don't Know How...Part XXX

[amicus_curiae]

I’ve not yet gone into graphic detail about my sex life and orientation.

I had an alternative sexual lifestyle that ofttimes resulted in sex-party scenes with multiple partners and a variety of practices. I was enthralled with mania and my inhibitions were dulled, my practices sometimes risky and definitely given to impulsively pursuing more and more.

There is one thing that I only shared with the shrinks in the hospital. Something that was obvious in that setting, nothing that I could hide.

And there were my Magic Shoes. One of my roommates decided that he had a need to wear my scruffy old New Balance sneakers and he co-opted them, calling them his Magic Shoes. I was barefoot for two years but was awarded with a nice outfit upon leaving the hospital.

I never tell that story, either.

Dear t: I found some clarity inside myself yesterday about our "situation" while doing that journey with E. She came along with me, in a big sister kind of a role, which really warmed my heart since I've never had a big sister and well, I guess I've always longed for one, given my attachment to you and to so many other women in my life all the way along starting with my grandmother (girl scout leaders, middle school teachers, a high school teacher, a pastor...)

So many feelings, t. So many feelings.

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
Glad you have an opening today. Hope I don't regret switching from tomorrow... But just feeling really bad since last night. So I figure it's better to try to work through the bad feelings with you instead of letting them fester for another day. Please be good today.
Love,
LT

[junkDNA]

S t r u g g l i n g

[LittleAfrica]

Whatever ice queen. Boundaries are good but I just think they're a ruse for CYA, lack of creativity, complacency and laziness at times for you. Whatever happened to tailoring the plan according to each client (yeah I prefer client not patient just btw). I'm beginning to think my days with you are numbered

[Lemoncake]

Officially they haven't released exam dates for Pathology yet, but last year it was at the end of may. Till the 15th I only have 36 days left.

Cardio Internal test 1 is this Thursday.

If we were talking I'd tell you that I now want to go into obs and gyne and imagine you would tell me that you were proud of me for finishing general so far.

[toomanycats]

couldn't you just offer me a hug today?.........
I really need a hug

[Echos Myron redux]

I miss you and it's painful and it sucks and it's not fair. 😭

[LonesomeTonight]

Dear T,
Thanks for today's session. Though...I wish I was seeing you again tomorrow (I guess Friday isn't too far away). It didn't quite go in the direction I expected it to, but what we discussed was helpful. And I expected to be more weepy, but, maybe I got all that out before. And sorry for all the TMI--not sure what all that was about! And I almost told you about the one thing (actually about a couple different things). But it was too close to the end of session, and I know I'd have been worried if you'd reacted oddly. Or even if you had acted totally normal. I'll ponder whether to share Friday or not...
And thanks for shaking my hand, even though I still have a bit of a cold.
Love,
LT

[fille_folle]

Bad, bad, bad.

[Argonautomobile]

Beavers,

I read Brave New World in 7th grade and completely missed the point. I thought it sounded like a great society, all things considered - what a shame John Savage just didn't fit in!

Years later, It strikes me as telling that I've still yet to be acquainted with a functional family unit. Maybe we'd be better off without that mode of social organization, after all.

You'll probably give me that "isn't-it-so-very-very-sad-how-you-intellectualize-your-dysfunctional-experiences" look when I tell you this.

Argo

[LabRat27]

Dear T,

What am I allowed to ask you? How manipulative and needy am I allowed to be?
Thus far I've mostly used restraint to not ask for reassurance. I don't ask "You do believe me, right?" or "Do you hate me?" or "Do you believe that I don't deserve to punish myself?"
I'm always holding myself back from asking because I know it's manipulative and not constructive, so I've trained myself not to ask others. I also don't want to seem childish and needy.

I want to ask you on Wednesday whether you think I'm pathetic and deserve punishment. I want to hear you say you don't think those things. I want to hear in your voice that you really don't believe those things. But if you'd wanted to say it you would have said it already.

Knowing you, you'll probably want to turn it around into how I feel about myself and whether I'd think those things of someone else who was like me.
But that's not comforting in the way that hearing you say it would be.
And I know I could manipulate you into saying it by saying I can't expose my vulnerabilities to you unless I know you don't think I'm pathetic because it would be so humiliating if you were sitting there thinking how pathetic I am and I can't stand that idea.
I'm manipulative and a terrible person like that.

I'm not sure if allowing myself to use you for comfort and reassurance like that would damage our therapeutic relationship. I'm trying not to get too dependent on your approval and comfort because that would turn therapy into me getting my "fix" rather than actually doing the work.
But I'm feeling insecure and vulnerable and needy right now. Sorry.

[LostOnTheTrail]

Stability is my priority at the moment, and I really don't feel all that stable right now. The world keeps spinning, though. I'm too chicken to ask for what I need, so I will likely freak out about the meeting with the supervisor tomorrow, and then I will freak out about the outcome if it is anything other than what I really want, which is for things to stay Exactly As They Are for now.

How can I be a functional human being on the 'sleep' I am getting?

Roll on the 19th.

[fille_folle]

Sometimes, I want you to be mean to me. I don't know why. Maybe I would feel like I understand you better. I think about all the mean things you could say to me and it gives me a sick satisfaction to imagine. What is wrong with me? I confuse myself.

[junkDNA]

I really wanna talk to u

**pouts**

[toomanycats]

don't go away...

[lucozader]

It's my birthday. Where's my "32 today" badge...?

I miss you, etc.

[AllHeart]

1 day 15 hours 25 minutes. Now I'm worried about failing myself. Sh1tfukkdam. Ok, I'm gonna try not to let that happen.

[velcro003]

Oh, T. I don't even know what to make of tonight's session. What do you really think? I could tell you were choosing your words very carefully, but I just DON"T KNOW. I will never know, because I won't talk to my parents or brother about this. I just won't. I understand your reasoning, but after 37 years, talking about anything personal is too much. I don't want to do it.

So, I am left alone to accept my absence of memory. I hate it, T, I really do.

Please wave your magic wand. Please.

[atisketatasket]

Dear Piaf,

So I have to cancel this week’s appointment. And there was actually a triggering event this weekend I wanted to talk to you about.

Oh well.

ATAT

Eta: this is like only the second time ever I’ve actually wanted to see my therapist. How the mighty are fallen.

[fille_folle]

Doo doo doo I've got some apples doo doo doo you've got some too
Doo doo doo I've got a problem doo doo doo I'm gonna tell you

[bobcat21]

Dear T,
The past couple of days have been really rough. I wish I could pick up the phone or text you but naturally that’s not a option I just have to wait I’m trying to be strong though.

[fille_folle]

Are you mad that I texted you?

Originally Posted by LabRat27

Dear T,

What am I allowed to ask you? How manipulative and needy am I allowed to be?
Thus far I've mostly used restraint to not ask for reassurance. I don't ask "You do believe me, right?" or "Do you hate me?" or "Do you believe that I don't deserve to punish myself?"
I'm always holding myself back from asking because I know it's manipulative and not constructive, so I've trained myself not to ask others. I also don't want to seem childish and needy.

I want to ask you on Wednesday whether you think I'm pathetic and deserve punishment. I want to hear you say you don't think those things. I want to hear in your voice that you really don't believe those things. But if you'd wanted to say it you would have said it already.

Knowing you, you'll probably want to turn it around into how I feel about myself and whether I'd think those things of someone else who was like me.
But that's not comforting in the way that hearing you say it would be.
And I know I could manipulate you into saying it by saying I can't expose my vulnerabilities to you unless I know you don't think I'm pathetic because it would be so humiliating if you were sitting there thinking how pathetic I am and I can't stand that idea.
I'm manipulative and a terrible person like that.

I'm not sure if allowing myself to use you for comfort and reassurance like that would damage our therapeutic relationship. I'm trying not to get too dependent on your approval and comfort because that would turn therapy into me getting my "fix" rather than actually doing the work.
But I'm feeling insecure and vulnerable and needy right now. Sorry.

You're not terrible, or manipulative or awful for wanting reassurance. Hugs.