My feelings towards my therapist have changed

I am feeling conflicted about my t lately. Don’t get me wrong, I still adore her but lately things have changed between us. Two weeks ago in session we were both standing up to do some experiential work when t released some flatulence. I know she is human but seriously- I couldn’t look at her for the rest of the session.
Then t asked me to look at something in her computer which was in her kitchen. I had never seen her kitchen before and I don’t know why but I feel different towards her and I don’t understand why. I try to tell myself t is only human but I wish I hadn’t seen this side of her!

I think, not being able to accept our ts humanity has its origins in our parents not being able to accept who we were. I have the most meticulous t ever - but its taken me over ten years to not freak out when he uses the restroom before our session. I used to even put my hands over my ears, i was so afraid of hearing anything.

But the more i have thought about and processed and accepted my dead parents and other family members comments and activities towards me, the more easy i am in accepting the humanity in myself, my t, and other people.

Did she acknowledge the fart? Taking you into her kitchen is a pretty obvious break in the therapeutic frame, but I think you know that already.

I will be putting my hands over my ears now every time t walks or moves!
You know, there is something in what you say. My family are very concerned about appearances and how they are perceived! I was always showed off like a show dog! Maybe I expected my t to be perfect, super human but the reality is very different- she is very human.

No she didn’t acknowledge it. She kinda just coughed a little.
I didn’t mind going into her kitchen and I honestly don’t think she meant it to be anything weird but I felt weird towards her afterwards.

It doesn't really matter whether you minded going into the kitchen or not, it's her job to uphold the boundaries. Keeping the private parts of her house separate from your therapy is a pretty fundamental boundary. However, judging from your previous postings, that kind of boundary setting is something with which she struggles, even though it is something which you tolerate (or even feel a pull towards).

Thanks for an interesting post. I can relate to what you describe as I would find it very hard to know how to act in such a situation with farting. I would find it only human in some way but at the same time find it very embarrassing.


Did your T acknowledge that you didn´t look at her for the rest of the session? I mean, she must have noticed that you felt embarrassed even if it was her doing it and perhaps she should have said something about it.


The first T I saw also had a kitchen next to her appointment room. It wasn´t her flat where she lived but a flat she used as her office and she usually kept the door to her kitchen more or less closed. As I had to pass outside the kitchen to get to her appointment room I was very careful about not looking into it even if I had the chance when the door sometimes was a bit more open.


I can understand why your feelings have changed towards your T if the kitchen represented another picture than the one you had "in your head". I mean, you perhaps imagined the kitchen to be very neat and tidy and it wasn´t or something else differed from how you think of your T. Was there something special that made you react, I mean kitchen stuff, decoration or such?

I do struggle with boundaries. I had never been in any other part of her house before only her bathroom so I do t know why it triggered me so much.

No my t did not acknowledge I didn’t look at her- she was probably too embarrassed. This is the first time she has passed any kind of wind in session.
I am kinda like you, I see into my ts sitting room in the way to her bathroom but I try not to look in case I see anything that I don’t want to.
I think it was the pictures of her family in her kitchen. It was the pictures of her 5 children and all of their graduations. I felt like such a loser and that t couldn’t possibly be there for me when she has such a big successful family. It really triggered me for a few days afterwards and I considered quitting. I know it doesn’t change anything between us but something in me changed.

Think my T's arse has fine a little rumble before.
I died inside a little. But she is so secure within herself there were no traces of the shame I was feeling.
I'm now making f-arting in public my new issue to work on

Haha thanks Mouse sounds like a great public issue to work on

This is interesting. I would not have any problem with a T (or anyone) farting or otherwise displaying ordinary human features. What I tend to have problems with is accepting and feeling 100% comfortable with similar things in myself - one reason I tend to be secretive and highly selective as to what I show others from myself. Be it bodily functions (or dysfunctions), even just stuff I am dissatisfied with, mess (I don't like to let most people in my apartment when it's messy, for example), I also have a tendency to procrastinate and hide work I am not satisfied with. Definitely a lot of this is related to being shamed and criticized in childhood - in my case not much by parents or family, more my peers (other kids). I still take criticism much better from superiors and authority figures (e.g. bosses, formal reviews on my work, etc) than more causally from people I see as equals.

Sometimes I do project the above perfectionism onto others - most often when I feel the most insecure and dissatisfied with myself. Basically, the mechanism is that I refuse to accept some of those things in myself but they still happen at times, and then I either want to hide or expect it from others. I am very aware of all this now but it does not completely prevent the feelings, the insecurity, and the reactions. Also does not help it that I have surrounded myself with high-achieving, high-demand, critical environments in my whole life deliberately. So it can be tricky to deal with the whole baggage as I want to be able to be more gentle with myself but at the same time I don't, and I do need to meet certain standards ~constantly to function well in my environments of choice. An often really nice and effective relief is seeing people that I respect and regard highly, engaging in "sub-standard" behaviors similar to mine. It definitely does not work with just anyone though.