[Lrad123]

After 9 months of therapy I still struggle to see my therapist as “safe” although intellectually I know he probably is. It’s almost as though feeling “safe” feels unsafe and the fact that I can’t get there saddens me and makes me feel broken. For whatever reason, holding people at a distance is what feels safe for me, and that’s not how therapy is supposed to work. I’ve compensated by dividing my T into to separate people - the one I physically meet with in person each week (not safe), and the one I email (safe). With the email version I can be much more open and vulnerable in a way I just can’t in person. Ideally, I should be that way in person, but I just can’t seem to take the leap.

I’m envious when I read about others crying or even getting upset with their T in person because it seems like a level of intimacy that I can’t acheive with him. How do I get there? Should he be helping me get there? It’s already been 9 months. Is it taking too long? What do others do to feel “safe”?

[Ididitmyway]

I always suggest people to accept where they are with no judgment. If you feel unsafe to feel "safe", that's okay. I'd suggest to trust that you are exactly where you need to be in your healing process and not to fight what IS. Whatever you are feeling is the reality that needs to be accepted before you move elsewhere. We feel whatever we feel for a reason, so there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling at the moment. I hope your therapist has enough wisdom to be present with your current state of mind. If he manages to do that, then, after some time, you will naturally move into a different state effortlessly. You don't need to do anything for that to happen. It'll happen in its own time when you are ready to let it happen.

[circlesincircles]

Have you been able to let your therapist know that you feel unsafe in person? Perhaps it's something the two of you can work on together?

I've been with my therapist for more than 5 years. Usually I feel safe, but sometimes I don't, and she's good about helping me to explore what feels unsafe in the moment. Even if I can't articulate it. I also find email to be a safer way to bring up topics that I want to discuss in session.

[Fuzzybear]

I don’t think that 9 months is too long ... can you explore this with your therapist? It would take me a long time to feel safe too, there isn’t anything “wrong” with that

(This is one of the reasons time limited therapy probably wouldn’t help some people, including me, much... how are we supposed to trust a therapist in 6 sessions or even 6 months...)

I agree. Bring it up with your T. I was with mine for almost a year before we talked about that. I wrote her a list of things i felt were holding me back from being completely open and honest with her and the "not safe to feel safe" thing was on there. I get why i feel that way, i have an amazing lack of stability and consistency in my life, but it helped a lot to talk about it and she really seemed to understand that and we worked from there. Im still only maybe 75% open but im working on that 25%. These things take time. Just remember that your defenses developed over a lot of years, they dont disappear overnight. Its ok. Your T know these things take time. Best of luck to you!

[Lemoncake]

Personally I don't think it's something you can force. It will happen when it happens. Even after 17 months I didn't fully trust my T, despite crying buckets and buckets. The reason we don't trust easily is because we've been hurt.

The splitting of safe unsafe happened in childhood. I did they to survive.
My split is healing. . But it's taken many yrs.
Therapy is, unique to each individual. Not everyone had to split.
Getting angry at the T or crying doesn't mean Thsts, therapy working. Maybe you don't need that element in your therapy.
Therapy isn't a straight line of bullet points.
Is your therapy. It follows you.

[MoxieDoxie]

What does it mean to feel "Safe" with a therapist anyway? I do not think I could ever feel "safe" with someone I do not know.

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

What does it mean to feel "Safe" with a therapist anyway? I do not think I could ever feel "safe" with someone I do not know.

Over time you come to "know" the (m) other.
No one expects anyone to feel saee with someone they've not committed time to. That would be silly.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Mouse_62

Over time you come to "know" the (m) other.
No one expects anyone to feel saee with someone they've not committed time to. That would be silly.

No matter what a T is always a stranger as we no so little about them. Even when they do disclose something I feel they might make it up because they think that is what we want to hear. So even if I spend 2 years with a T they are still do not know them. They can throw us under a bus at any given moment or dump us because they are tired of us.

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

No matter what a T is always a stranger as we no so little about them. Even when they do disclose something I feel they might make it up because they think that is what we want to hear. So even if I spend 2 years with a T they are still do not know them. They can throw us under a bus at any given moment or dump us because they are tired of us.

Thsts not true. Knowing someone is more than details. It's about what happens betweenn 2 people in the room.
It comes from the heart. You are coming from the head.
My sense of trust is highly tuned. I do not let others in easy.
This isn't something you can fake. You won't trust what isn't trustworthy. There has to be something "there" between 2 people.
I have that "there" in therapy. I know little about T's life outside. But I know from her handling if Me that I can trust her.
I still walk timidly but she proves trustworthy and I move into the next bit.

I had a similar experience communicating with my therapists in person vs via email. I found the differences between the two media disturbing and often very uncomfortable, but I could not stop it or integrate better for a long time, especially when one of the Ts handled it in erratic, inconsistent, and often judgmental ways. It definitely made the whole thing even more unsafe and killed my motivation to go and see him in sessions. The other T was wonderful with it and let it happen, neither criticizing not encouraging, just let it run its course. That really worked and eventually I lost the motivation to spend a great deal of my time communicating with people (the T and others) virtually and to use that as a distraction from improving my life in the real world. For me, it did not even require having to become more vulnerable in session, or even working on the causes of that "split communication" with the T directly. It all happened in my on mind and consciousness and eventually translated into more integrated behavior and feeling much more comfortable and at home in the real world - and that was my goal, not to develop a vulnerable relationship with a therapist in an isolated room and reality. The T for me was more a sort of indirect aid, which he accepted and never questioned even when I did. So, in my case, most of it did not really happen in the room or between two people directly but primarily in my own mind and life.

[Lrad123]

Thanks for your responses. I feel better hearing that not everyone thinks I’m taking too long. My therapist is nice, patient and non-judgmental. I feel like I keep testing him and he is completely unfazed. Cognitively, I believe I should come out of hiding because he’s shown me that he’s safe, but I’m just not sure I know how. That’s the part that makes me feel broken. I also don’t want him to feel disappointed or like I’m a lost cause. I asked him once briefly how he thought things were going and he said he thought it was going just as it should. At the time I thought that answer was a cop out. I mean, he has to say that, right? I want to get past this so I can do the work I came here for.

One of the things that worries me is how therapy just ends after 50 minutes. I wonder if that keeps me from feeling safe. I know he cares on some level, but then he can just turn it off (I understand that he has to in order to do his job effectively), but I can’t. After therapy ends I’m sometimes left alone with my emotions and this can feel disruptive and all-consuming. Why would I want that? I can email him between sessions, but I’m not sure that’s really helpful, and he has offered me a 2nd weekly session but I can’t fit it in now due to both of our work schedules.

[amicus_curiae]

I feel safe when the door is closed.

I can’t recall what made me feel safe 33-years-ago. Back then MD/psychiatrists were also the therapists. That changed, maybe, between 2005-2011? Psychiatrists do little more than manage medications. I always insist upon having PhD/therapists. I have a problem with putting my life in the hands of those who are less educated than myself.

But, yes. Safe. It’s understandable that you would feel less exposed — and safer — when using email. It isn’t a real conversation and there’s no real person present to react to your words. I desperately need both. I need someone to ‘react,’ I need to look someone in the eyes and breathe in their humanity while I’m gushing through the garbage in my mind.

I think that you want the same?

If I were you, I would talk to your therapist about your lack of safety when you’re physically with him. I’m not certain that there’s any better way to feel safe than by lowering your guard and putting your trust in the hands of your therapist. He could betray that trust but, in all likelihood he won’t.

Even when I see a new therapist, I’m spilling the beans, no matter how small the office, once that door shuts. It feels like sinking into a bed of eiderdown. I don’t know how to tell you to let yourself fall — maybe your therapist can help.

Best of luck to you.

[MoxieDoxie]

Yeah....it all just stops if insurance stops paying and I can't pay, or he moves his practice or he moves away. How can I fully let my guards down and allow myself to fully trust when at any moment it can all end and I am left with the grief, and pain. If I do not fully trust and let go then maybe when that happens the pain wont be so bad.

I think those worries are legit. But, do it anyway.
Life is full of uncertainties. We do feel hurt.
People we love die. We don't say, yeah just incase you die I won't love you.
Don't project into the future. Take what you've got in the moment and go with it. Of course if my T died, I'd be crushed. But, that'd the price you pay for connection.
The pain of disconnect is worthless.
We're not children. We can stand the hurt.

[amicus_curiae]

I am amazed that so many people here have therapist’s email addresses.

I’ve never brought up the practice of emailing my shrinks... I doubt that they would allow it.


Sucks to be me.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by MoxieDoxie

No matter what a T is always a stranger as we no so little about them. Even when they do disclose something I feel they might make it up because they think that is what we want to hear. So even if I spend 2 years with a T they are still do not know them. They can throw us under a bus at any given moment or dump us because they are tired of us.

I think this is partially true. Some therapists do dump us because they are tired of us. I thought I “knew” a therapist (up to a point) but it turned out I knew them less than I thought despite the fact we had done some “important” work together