So much crying isn´t normal if it was "outside therapy"

I cry several times during almost each session since a couple of months and even if I know therapy "is the place" to cry at and it´s seen as normal to show all kinds of feelings I at the same time realise that so much crying wouldn´t be seen as normal if it was "outside therapy".

It´s not that my T shows there´s something wrong about it but I feel I end up at session and cry like a little child over things that won´t get better even if I cry over them. I for example cry about me being unemployed and as most adults find work, go to work and cope with that I feel like an incapable child that cry instead of doing something.


I have done a lot but it hasn´t been enough but it can easily be perceived as feeling sorry for myself and going into "child mood" which I partly do in therapy. Not that I act like a child or talk like one but more the feelings of helplessness.

I also don´t like dependence on my T that come with this, I´m not a child and she can´t fix my problems like with unemployment. At the same time as she´s very supportive it´s like she supports me on something that I as an adult should be able to fix myself. Like finding work, having an intimate relationships.

Can anybody relate to this?

So....only children can cry/feel helpless/be dependent?
Is this really what you mean or am I taking you too literally?
Why do you think you should be able to "fix" these things and not cry?
Cry!
Wallow!
Be dependent!
Part of what we want/need/deserve from therapy is unconditional positive regard and maybe you need to cash that check and enjoy?

You won't feel or be this way forever, but maybe you just need a lot of support right now and what is really wrong with that?

Just my two cents on a Friday afternoon.

Crying is a normal part of being sad and feeling and processing that emotion. I don't think crying in therapy makes me a child. It helps me feel emotions I should have long ago about things that I have troubles with. And sometimes I cry about current things, and that's okay too, since if I would not I would probably just repeat my old pattern of ignoring my feelings until it surfaces as some kind of ugly volcano trying to kill or hurt something or someone.

I cry all the time in therapy. I'm not sure it has anything to do with feeling childlike though. Mostly it just happens when I'm feeling sad or anxious or angry...which is a lot of time in therapy. I used to be kind of embarrassed about it, but I've gotten over that. Now I just make sure that the kleenex is placed within reach as soon as I get there.

I don't like the dependent feeling though. I don't like feeling that I need someone who doesn't need me. It's so one sided. It doesn't entirely feel safe because I know that she could decide to quit or whatever and I'd have no say in it.

Thanks. No, it's not that I mean that only children can cry and feel dependent but that´s how so much crying makes me feel personally.

The reason I think I should be able to fix things is because the things I see a therapist for are problems that most adults solve on their own. I don´t have any diagnosis besides depression which I also haven´t had for all of my adult life, just for three years or such.

I´m nearly 40 and I sit there crying about that I don´t have a job and that I never have had a intimate relationship. I haven´t experienced any trauma like abuse which could explain this.

To look for a job and to get a job and being able to find a partner and have intimate relationships is something most people manage but obviously I don´t. (I´m already evaluated for different psychiatric diagnosis and I have none besides depression and light anxiety).

Even if I get emotional support I don´t engage in looking for work or seeking a partner, perhaps it´s because I need more therapy first or it´s just that I´m too afraid and lack the emotional strength to cope with adult things. I don´t have any driver´s license either, it´s another thing that makes me feel like I´m stuck in my teenage years but in an adult body.

I cry during about 75% of my sessions and it's also sometimes weird for me because in my real life I almost don't cry at all. I've always been tough or frozen, suppressing my emotions. Since I've began therapy, I cry and cry, as if trying to compensate all times that I should have cried in the past but didn't.
What I find though is that the me I cry the more positive emotions I feel and the more energy I have. I've learned to "enjoy" crying in a certain sense.

I cry quite a bit in therapy, too (and some outside of therapy). I think it's actually more of a good thing because it's a safe place to let those emotions out. When I was a kid, I was taught to keep my emotions inside, which I don't think is healthy.

This would be a good topic to discuss with your therapist, how you associate crying with being child-like. And how you feel you can't do things that "normal" adults are able to do.


Also, out of curiosity, is ADHD something they screened for? It's something that can interfere with doing some things like finding/keeping jobs. And it often presents differently in women than in men. Just a thought!

Crying is healing.Did you know that the components in tears of sadness and pain are different than tears of joy and happiness?

Been there. It does get better. Eventually.

Still, being in the middle of it really sucks. It's painful. It's unnerving. It's exhausting.

Can you try and find some more compassion with yourself? You're feeling a lot of pain right now. Maybe you're allowing yourself to feel this pain for the first time ever. So yes, this can be unsettling. And confusing. But crying is a pretty "normal" reaction when you're feeling pain. And maybe you're grieving as well, for the things you never had growing up.

I don't want to sound cold or unempathetic. But feeling the pain is actually a "good" sign - because you're allowing yourself to feel this. Up to now you held it mostly in, I guess. Maybe you *knew* you were sad, but you didn't really *feel* the sadness and the grief. Allowing yourself to actually experience those emotions is a step in the right direction, I feel. At least it was for me.

And please, don't feel silly for crying. It makes you human. And that's a good thing.

All the best, c_r

I can relate to this, and I would wager that many people, both in and out of therapy, feel like they can't handle things as well as everyone around them. I try to remind myself that most people around me are probably not handling everything in their lives as well as I think they do. We all tend to want to present our best selves to others, and hide our insecurities.

Sarah, it seems that you are really making progress. It feels painful but I fully agree with cinnamon - it definitely sounds like a step in a right direction.

Thanks. I can relate to what you write about like "compensating" for not crying that much during childhood nor adulthood. I have never cried at any therapist or counsellor before except for when I got frustrated with the person herself and in situations when I know I would leave and didn´t come back anymore.


I agree crying to some extent can feel relieving and my T says she sees is as being authentic and honest. I though sometimes feel like too much crying isn´t constructive either, I now refer to myself, that I sit there crying instead of us discussing things.

Thanks. Yes, I´ll perhaps bring that up to her but as she always says it´s a good thing that I cry and that she feels touched herself I don´t want to talk about crying in a negative mode. I feel it´s positive that I "dare" crying but it can also be too much when I cry so much I can´t answer her or to hold on to a discussion.

Yes, I´ve been screened for different diagnoses, among them ADHD and I don´t have any of those.

Thanks. Yes, I actually read somewhere that one can analyze the content in tears and see "which kind" it is. Rather fascinating.

Thanks. I find it hard to find compassion on issues that most people have handled themselves and that I cry over things that I could have handled better. It´s another thing to cry over someone who died for example, then it´s beyond my control and it´s something final, it´ll never change.


I also think I find it a bit embarrassing and "too much" as in relation to my T, she partly has what I lack; a job and a partner and it´s only 10+ years between us.

You´re right I also grieve, I grieve things that were better when I were a child and I grieve that I don´t have better relations with my family now as an adult. I agree it´s a good sign and especially in therapy as it shows trust in the T and that something "happens" in therapy. Even if crying isn´t nessecary for all clients of course.

I know it´s inevitable to cry and to feel things in therapy but lately I feel noone else had sat there with me and see me cry, noone besides a therapist and that makes me feel it's not completely normal.

Thanks. Yes, I think that´s a good thing to do, I mean imagining how someone else cope in their everyday life, how they struggle with things like planning dinner, arguing with their partner or similar.

I try to think that way when it comes to my therapist even if the picture I get of her is that she has reached important goals in life, she likes her work, she´s married and such. But there´s a lot I don´t know about her.

Crying is also a form of communication. You say you're crying and so you can't answer or continue a discussion, but crying is a form of expression and your tears probably say more than your words would. It is meaningful that you are crying in the presence of another person. Something my therapist asks that is useful sometimes is, "What are your tears saying? If you could put words to those tears, what would they say?"

I see no reason to be concerned about crying a lot in therapy. Crying in therapy is totally normal. Even crying *a LOT.* It's an intimate act and a good thing.

Thanks. So the crying could be seen as making progress? Do you mean in opening up to my T or progress in other areas? My therapist tells me it´s a good thing to cry but when it comes to her I know she should be supportive and understanding even if she perhaps thinks a client cries too much, complains too much or similar.

Thanks. That´s an interesting view on this. Sometimes I can´t specify exactly why I´m crying, sometimes I cry just because my T is nice to me and cares about me. (But I don´t tell her that, I always have other reasons to cry besides crying because of her).

I think my T has asked me something similar and she says things like "it's the little child in you that now cries" when I cry over something that concerns my childhood for example.

Hopefully my T feels compassion and a deeper connection to me (as a therapist) and not that she thinks I cry too much. She doesn´t seem to but one never knows.

It´s a nice thing to read what you say that it´s meaningful to cry in the presence of another person. I´ve never done that before, to anyone except when I was a child.

SS: I rarely cry, and have never cried in therapy, BUT I do understand what you mean. In some ways I am similar.

I am 37 and while I had a few boyfriends in my young teenage years, I haven't dated anyone since I was 22. I am still a virgin. Except one high school boyfriend, I was never serious about anyone, and that HS boyfriend was a very young "love," or what I thought of it at the time.

So, while I may have more "experience" in that area than you, I get it. I also did not experience any abuse or any overt trauma growing up as well. I also am depressed, but "nothing" else. While I am lucky I have a job and like it (and it is one thing that I DO feel lucky for), I also feel liek my T can't really help me in being an adult like the rest of the "normal" population.

I talk about it frequently. She argues back that it is the depression talking. It is hard, and I do agree with others that it is healthy you can cry about this stuff. I can't.

Crying is healing. Especially deep crying. About 8 years ago when I was 45 (45ish) I went through a long period where I cried a lot every day. It had to come out. It's that feeling you get in your throat, like pressure in your throat or something's stuck in it, and there's nothing that makes it go away until you burst into tears. Looking back now it just amazes me how it healed me. Even on a physical level. From my teens up until after the crying phase I always had problems with acne. If I didn't apply acne medicine all over my entire face every night I would break out bad. After having to put medicine on my face for decades I just couldn't imagine life any other way. After the crying phase I never had to do anything my face. No more acne. It's like deep crying removes stuck trauma and emotions that are inside of you.

I have an emotional disorder and cry oceans outside of therapy. I stopped trying to get therapy because the experience with the therapists were not good for me, boo hoo too.

Now I have to tell people about the disorder because I won’t be able to control my crying in certain circumstances with my family (for example, my son’s wedding which I am not happy about). I’ll have to hide in the back like a ghost while crying my eyes out or don’t go.

So, I’ll just tell people I have a disorder and cry like an idiot. What else can I do?

Just chiming in that I would also say if you are depressed, you are probably feeling extra sad and like crying more than you would if not depressed, and if you suppress it often then it doesn't surprise me that you would cry a lot in T. When I think of the same things from my life that make me sad, I can feel moderately sad or hysterical/sobbing depending on my mood state, for example. It still upsets me either way, but my view of the situation, myself, etc is much darker when I am depressed. I do think crying is healthy, too, but you could always discuss with your T if you feel it is getting in the way of making progress because you spend too much time doing it in your opinion. I am not sure what could be done, but either way there is no reason to feel bad about crying!

Thanks. For how long have you seen your T? It´s just recently I began to cry, for several months I never cried and I felt we sometimes discussed more about the therapeutic process than emotional things. Would you like to cry in therapy or do you feel embarrassed about it?

I don´t think having no experiences from intimate relations or sex has only to do with depression, when in midst of depression you don´t feel like looking for a partner but if one doesn´t have a chronic depression there are more to it than that. What does your T say to you about intimacy, does she give you advice or do you work more on an emotional level?

I think it´s very embarrassing to talk about sex and lack of such experiences as my T is married and she´s more than ten years older than me and of course she has rather a lot experiences from it herself. At the same time you doesn´t talk to a T and ask her about her (his) own experiences.

I think it can be healthy to cry and it also seems that several people cry from a lot of reasons in therapy.

Thanks. Yes, I agree it's healing and at the same time I want to feel my T and I also have time to discuss things and her knowing more about me and my problems. It´s great having her supporting me, she gives me a cleenex and say nice things but I also want to progress in other ways.


But of course it´s impossible to just decide not to cry, I sometimes feel I want to cry already in the morning the day I´m going to see her even if there aren´t any new issues that make me sad.

As you mention, having mental issues can sometimes lead to physical ones like on the skin or somewhere else in the body.